If you find out a friend is engaging in really unhealthy behavior...do you call her on it or allow said friend to make her own mistakes? By not mentioning it, are you enabling? By mentioning it are you intruding? Where do you draw the line?
Presently I have a friend who is sleeping with a very married guy.
Another friend has moved in with a really nice dope smoker who’s been in and out of rehab . I’m not kidding. He’s really nice, but he's an addict who is still smoking pot. Aren’t we a little OLD for this? Do we really want him around her kids?
A third friend is also acting out sexually.
Tell me.
Do I need to live and let live or set up some interventions? Are these beautiful, funny, smart women so desperate they will just hop on the first pop that winks in their direction?
C'mon sisters. Rise! Rise! Rise!
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Having found myself in similar situations with friends, I felt that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't let them know that I was concerned for them. I promised not to judge or require justifications or explanations, only to say my piece and let them know that it was out of love. They could continue to make their own choices, only now they were aware of how it was affecting their true friends and family.
Tough one. The dangerous stuff - I'd confront (carefully though). Sometimes the best tactic is to ask probing questions that make them think. "What are you getting out of this relationship that is worth the risk you're taking (or the crap you're putting up with)?"
Maybe the safest and best route is to do whatever you can to build up their self esteem so they know they deserve better. They sound like great ladies but something must be going on with them that they think they need to put up with that stuff.
Good luck with this one! Let us know how it turns out!
I agree with Kario. Speaking out of concern and love can only be good. It might upset them, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
I'm with Kario, too. Just stick with your "I statements" and don't judge. "I'm worried for you." "I'm sad to see you with a person that is unavaiable." "I am afraid you are going to be hurt." That kind of thing.
Hmmmm. Been there done that. If they are endangering you then I would tell them what I thought only in the context of how it pertains to me.
Example: I care about you as a friend. And I wouldn't dream of telling you how to live your life. But the fact that you now live with someone who smokes dope puts me and my family at risk.
I remember a much younger friend, years ago, thanking me once for not "preaching" to her about her no good boyfriend. "I know how badly you wanted to say what you thought," she said. "Instead, you allowed me to come to the realizations on my own. You let me have my process."
Most people don't verbalize it that way. But when we don't allow others to have their own internal process, we are showing that we lack faith in them.
Easier said than done. And I do think it's OK to say "I really have a problem with what you're doing to yourself. But you're a grown person and I can't stop you from what I feel is self destructive behavior."
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I would have to confront without judgement only because I cared for my friends. It's tough, but often when something is left unsaid in a relationship, the relationship can then begin to faulter and you don't want to lose your friends. I think in a true friendship, there is always room to have a voice.
My teacher says it clearly, turn sharp eyes of judgment in. The Secret says...list the behavious of others that are in alignment with your own and he universe will re-calibrate and so on!
I think these kinds of behaviors are hard to offer input on (unless you have direct experience and can say...'based on my love affairs with married men,' that is a very bad idea...or, you know those dry mouthed mornings are a real hassle)
Unless you are asked, it's very tricky to do more than offer your prayers.
Personally, life is a journey and most of my 'worst' mistakes turned out to be my biggest teaching opportunities.
Thank you for your comment Jennifer. We had an awesome back and forth about it today.
Afterward, I got to thinking and discovered some things.
When women that I love make what I percieve to be bad decisions around men....my reaction is to judge them harshly.
What is really going on here is: when women that I love make bad decisions regarding men....the unhealed little child inside me feels terrified.
So good to turn this over and look at it closley. So good to know that I don't have to "hold up the world."
When women that I love make "bad" relationship decisions it is time for ME to step back, let them do their thing, and work really hard to make my inner child feel safe.
i agree with nursepam in general.
i have one very self destructive friend. now after 15 years of friendship she has told me several times in the last few years that what she loves the most about me is that she never feels judged. she feels she can say and do whatever she wants with her life and that i will take her as she is. she knows i would make different choices, but she feels she can truly count on me as a friend.
it was very encouraging to hear this from her after all those years, because i have often felt the way you were feeling, towards her. i hemmed and hawed and weighed bringing things up to her. each time i somehow came to the same decision to let her be on her own path and to just be her friend. that didn't mean i would drive her over to the married boyfriends house. or that i defend her actions. of course i would set my own boundaries. if she ever asked my opinion i would give it, but then i felt i had to let go and let her decide what to do. honestly, i probably chose this whole route because it was easiest for me.
the bottom line is that i love her very much. she is an intelligent woman, who sometimes does what i consider to be unwise things. is it really that likely that she hasn't considered risk? or right and wrong? she makes her own choices.
anyway, it was good for me to hear because i often wondered if i was being a good friend. believe me, when she wanted enabling, she had those kinds of friends to go to.
i am always open to feedback, but i am most receptive if i have asked for that feedback. i don't really think that if i were in her shoes i would love hearing what was wrong with my choices without having asked.
when i eat too many cookies, i know i have eaten too many cookies!
all that said, i agree with blair that in a true friendship there is always room for a voice. certainly there are times where this should come into play.
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