After a week of vision therapy, we are supposed to videotape a session. It has been going perfectly fine all week, but tonight, Riley balked. Her routine was off a bit today, and then the camera threw her for a loop. She flipped out. She could not snap out of it.
Then, I flipped out. Big time.
I threw a chair. I hit a wall. In front of my children.
(I did not hit my child).
Her routine was off. It was my fault.
I didn’t talk her down well enough. My patience is gone.
Todd worked 9-9 both days over the weekend, and picked up overtime today to pay for all these f-ing therapies. I have not had a break.
It feels like unless I tiptoe around walking on eggshells, jumping when she says jump and dancing when she says dance, our world falls apart. One little glitch and it’s like dominoes. The whole evening is shot.
This is not unlike my childhood, living with an alcoholic parent.
Dance.
Dance.
Dance.
On the flip side, my rage tonight is not unlike my father's.
I love this girl beyond measure, but I am so tired of the F-ing dance.
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12 comments:
You have every right to want to sit it out every so often! Our job is harder than hard and often has zero feedback except heartache and stress. Did you see me painting my bathroom door before we had to sell our house after unemployment and autism wiped us out? Painting out where I'd kicked the daylights out of it one night when I was alone and losing it. The chair will survive. I'm sending you a dozen cyber donuts. Stat.
KS
I wish I knew you in real life so I could call you and give you a hug. I cannot FATHOM your life. You are doing the best you can. That is enough.
But remember folks, autism is just another way of brain functioning. There's no need for a cure because it in no way resebles an illness. The child (who will become adults so GET READY) who are crowding the public schools and spilling over into private autism schools at $90,000 a year are actually just fine - just neurologically different. Really. No worries folks. No worries. Better save your money NOW, cause social security is going to SNAP when our kids hit the system as adults.
Hugs. You are wonderful and you have your limits...so that makes you...human? Forget eggshells, these are emotional landmines. We suddenly step on one and kaboom. Some days it is exactly like living with an abusive person. I lost it yesterday. I yelled so loudly, tired of repeating myself at 5:25 am and not sure how to help my frantic little boy understand what I was saying. We all lose it once in awhile. Can I have one of your cyber donuts?
You do this "dance" with grace, compassion and love.
Choir here, thanks for the song.
Everyone has limits, darling Michelle. Everyone. Your best is more than enough. It's all there is.
love.
Oh, Michelle, I ache for you after reading this. Lucky for you, you're human, and you're setting that example for your children. They will never have to aspire to perfection because they know their mother doesn't demand it of them or herself. I'm sorry you lost your patience and I'm sorry you're exhausted. I hope you find some time to yourself soon so you can refuel for the next round of energy drain. Love you!
I don't know your experience, Michelle, but I do really get the guilt from the rage, the horrible aftershock of self-judgement, and the shame. I think there's only so much energy we can hold, ya know? And then it just has to come out...and it's not going to look all nice and perfectly therapeutic. We just have so many beliefs about how we must be as mothers...and for the challenges you face, mercy mercy. Really, a large dose of complassion for the ways you get triggered under stress. Todd's right, you are not your father, nor is the result of your anger nearly the same. Love.
I really love this blog .. IF ONLY I had this connection in my younger years going thru SO MUCH & SO ALONE! ya know what?? We will "totally" be "SAGES" in our later years.. haha! ;) trust me! This is the real world HANG ON! Lifes like a Rollarcoaster so PUT YOUR ARMS UP and HANG ON ~ its a wild ride & soon you'll be on top of the world again....
PS. to KIM ~ pray we all hit the lottery ;)then LOL !?!
I just caught up on your weekend. Don't beat yourself up. Much easier said than done, I know, but from someone looking in, you are doing a phenomenol job! Don't worry about the chair - I bet everyone's thrown a chair or two - I'm really sorry and wish I could give you a hug, then babysit your kids for a while so that you can go out to dinner with that fabulous man of yours.
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