For an hour, I lay on the floor in my writing room, berating myself. I can’t let her go to bed like this, thinking I’m mad at her.
I walk upstairs, then down the hall with my tail between my legs. The three of them are on her bed. Riley is reading Amelia Bedelia to Todd and Seth. Crawling in, I lay my head on the pillow next to her, shut my eyes and listen to her tiny voice read all the big words.
We tuck them in. Prayers. I sing Wynkin, Blynkin & Nod.
I'm turning to leave when she says,
“Mommy, I’m a little bit worried.”
“What about?” I ask. Please God don’t let it be me.
“Doctor Kaplan is going to be mad because I screamed on the videotape.” She says from under her covers.
Pulling back her blankets, I crawl in. I tell her we turned the tape off for that part. It’s all okay. Dr. Kaplan will never be mad at her, whether she screams or not.
“Riley, I’m sorry I got so upset with you. Mommy was tired and she lost her patience. I'm not perfect and I get angry, and I makes lots of mistakes. Sometimes I don’t feel like a very good mommy to you.”
She looks up at me with her huge eyes and says, “I think you’re just right.”
--
After, in the kitchen, I tell Todd about our conversation.
He’s already read my post.
“You don’t have to make up for whatever your father did or was or is.” He says.
“This is our family, and you do an amazing job.”
We sit on the dirty kitchen floor and I cry onto his shoulder.
"Stop beating up on my girl." he says. "I would be done without you."
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16 comments:
Babe - we've ALL been there. Special needs kids or not, there are just days when the pressure has to escape somehow, someway and it ain't always pretty. But it's real, it's honest and yeah - it sucks when we loose it in front of our kids but I'd rather be real, and then have to teach my kids a lesson on apologies and asking forgiveness than stuff it all inside and have it eat me alive until I'm a shell of a parent.
You are doing a great job. Listen to Hot Toddy. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM WHO HAD A BAD DAY! Join the club, your membership certificate is in the mail. ;)
HT's got the answer.....what a great set of parents Seth and Riley have.
We all have off days when our patience is stretched to the limits. I have "lost it" a few times in front of my children and I immediately regret it. I think to myself, what am I teaching them? I don't want them to vent their anger the way I just did. So, I apologize. I make amends. We can't spoil them, though. I can't imagine how much harder it is to have a routine that cannot be changed. You are doing the best you can. You are human, too. Riley seems like she's blossoming just fine. She has remorse and cares about what others think of her (as in the incident with the tape and the doctor seeing her scream). With HT on your team, you can do no wrong. He is with you, supporting you, too.
I have a friend with a son with Asperger's and she does what she can. I know another who has Asperger's but cannot process what he sees or hears so he defines himself "deafblind." Of course, I don't know if that's a correct diagnosis. But what do I know? I think you are doing an amazing job with her.
Cyber-hugs.
LLLLLOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEE H.T!
You and Hot Toddy deserve one another, and that's saying a whole damn lot on both ends.
Love to you both.
I read the previous post, and when reading this one, I can honestly say I know exactly what you're talking about. I had a losing it moment this weekend, and it was directed, not appropriately, at the husband. Later I realized I was just mad at myself because I had let some important parts of the routine with my daughter slip, and it resulted in a trip to the emergency room. So I lost it when I thought my husband had made errors concerning her routine as well (he hadn't).
I know rationally that we can't be perfect all of the time. I just can't stop myself from beating myself up when I'm not! Totally crazy, huh?
It's good to know we're not alone. Thanks for this post.
Gosh, MIchelle, do you mean to tell me you're HUMAN?
People with strong memories of troubled parents sometimes exaggerate their own flaws. A single moment of temper doesn't undo all your good. Anybody with your degree of self-awareness isn't very likely to follow a parent's footsteps.
Try to show yourself the same patience and understanding that you show everybody else in your family.
Amen to the two of you. I would be lost without Mark. So many families with a child with autism catapult or peter out into divorce. The stress is mind boggling. You have a safe haven in your husband. I feel good for you about that. You will be OK. You ARE OK. And your daughter sounds just plain neat.
Sending a cyber jelly filled right now.
I love that you apologized to Riley and I love that Todd supported you. You and Todd have built a strong, loving home for your children and they will never forget that, just like you will never forget how to "dance", no matter how much you want to. Thanks, Todd, for giving her the advice we all would have.
Thanks so much everyone. Today is a better day.
Over the last week I have had to carve out 40 extra minutes in the AM and again in the PM to add vision therapy for both kids to the routine.
That, and a few other things, combined with Todd's overtime was recipe for disaster.
I truly do appreciate the kind words of support.
Better days ahead!
Wow, this made me cry. It's so loving. And true.
Remember Michelle, when you feel like Thelma, there's ALWAYS a Louise to call before you drive off the cliff. Always. K R Stagliano at charter dot net. Email me and I'll give you my phone number. Autism Moms have got to stick together. And we will.
You roll like a hurricane. Listen to yourself. If you are finding any bad thoughts in your psyche about yourself, it is really the unheard voice which is trying to get you to listen.It says, "I'm tired. I need some down time from all of these therapies and road trips." Listen to yourself. Be NICE to you, you are one of the most amazing moms I have ever met!
You're fine. It's okay to show some emotion every once in a while. You don't want to get to the point that it's such a rarity that when it happens, it actually does scare the s**t out of your kids, right?
And you're dealing with a lot here. Give yourself a break. Chocolate?
Been there... you're ok! Dont fool yourself ~ Love WILL pull you thru! Kids LOVE their moms and DO appreciate all their kindness.. you'd be surprised ~ my daughter is 16 and I used to beat myself up ~ so to speak! ~ its not worth it! Sounds like you covered bases GET SOME REST! You're AWESOME !!!!!!!
PS. in the real world people WILL yell or get frusterated with them ~ I know its scary BUT its true.. You will see this too come to pass. LIFE IS ABOUT ADAPTING as well .... Its a LONG ROAD! We will be going for "guardianship" w/in this year ~ have you heard about that yet??? and besides almost ALL the autistic kids my daughter has grown up w/do EXCELLENT (aged 17ish NOW)~ it'll be OK!!!!!!!!!!!!
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