School starts in a couple of weeks and over the last few days I found myself in a tailspin, worried sick over whether it's all going to work out for Riley. Since she was kicked out of preschool at age three, I've had this awful fear there will never be a "right" place for her in the world.
We moved here specifically for this school, so a lot seems to be riding on it. I try to calm myself, thinking surely, she can't be the worst case they've experienced. But then again....you never know. She sure can scream when she's afraid.
Usually, I would rattle off a post about my anguish, but something is different. I didn't write about it because I didn't want to add energy to the worry, the negativity, the fear. Not to be Pollyanna and act like everything is okay when it isn't, or pretend I'm always sunny. I'm definately not.
But this week I made a concerted effort to meditate, to read a lot, to talk over my fears with Todd, to do yoga, to take an epsom salt bath, to really listen for what I believe.
I believe in a benevolent Universe. I do.
Today, Riley came up to me and hugged me around the waist. When I looked down she was all puckered up, waiting for a kiss. The unsolicited hugs are fairly new, but the kiss? First time ever.
Tonight in the tub (my second relaxing bath this week), I felt for the first time, this child is absolutely going to recover. I imagined her getting married, if she wants to. Having kids, if she wants to.
And here I am, writing about it.
Join me in fanning that flame, won't you?
We moved here specifically for this school, so a lot seems to be riding on it. I try to calm myself, thinking surely, she can't be the worst case they've experienced. But then again....you never know. She sure can scream when she's afraid.
Usually, I would rattle off a post about my anguish, but something is different. I didn't write about it because I didn't want to add energy to the worry, the negativity, the fear. Not to be Pollyanna and act like everything is okay when it isn't, or pretend I'm always sunny. I'm definately not.
But this week I made a concerted effort to meditate, to read a lot, to talk over my fears with Todd, to do yoga, to take an epsom salt bath, to really listen for what I believe.
I believe in a benevolent Universe. I do.
Today, Riley came up to me and hugged me around the waist. When I looked down she was all puckered up, waiting for a kiss. The unsolicited hugs are fairly new, but the kiss? First time ever.
Tonight in the tub (my second relaxing bath this week), I felt for the first time, this child is absolutely going to recover. I imagined her getting married, if she wants to. Having kids, if she wants to.
And here I am, writing about it.
Join me in fanning that flame, won't you?
12 comments:
Michele, this sort of angst is my specialty. I have mastered the WILL SHE/WON'T SHE.
I will tell you this; I have always believed that my kid will recover. COMPLETELY. It's just a matter of time and my patience. Mostly with myself.
I have nothing but good feelings about this school for Riley, mostly because the winds have been moving in this direction for you. But the other part of the equation is that YOU are making this happen for all of you.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Don't ask questions of the universe, but know absolutely that it will happen.
You have so many people sending you/her such love and good wishes.
Take good loving care of yourself these days. She will thrive and prosper. Guaranteed.
I think you're absolutely right on this one: everything will indeed be all right. Watching from the cheap seats, it's been apparent for a long time that Riley is on a steady path of growth.
It helps me to realize that my moments of fear are just that: my own moments of fear. They are just mind states, and have no power other than what I give them.
What a great approach you're taking. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
I right there with you, Michelle, fanning like crazy.
Sounds to me like Riley is recovering.
Every step along the way has been positive. The movement, the growth are so very obvious from your posts. Riley is on her way. Honest.
And it sounds like Riley is fanning that flame also.
Love.
Suzy
Got my bellows right here. You and HT are hot in all the right ways, Michelle. Fan those flames, girl!
I'll fan that flame every day and twice on Fridays!
Fanning, coming your way now.
She initiated the puckering? I think she is recovered.
You are amazing, the lessons I learn from you and Riley are priceless. Having a daughter who was also kicked out of pre-school at 3, I think I understand how you are feeling. Yet, the gains Riley makes every second speak loud and clear. I just know they will continue and she will continue to soar. And she has you. I will be fanning along with everyone else!
It gives me chills to read your words. I feel the mama-love you have for her, and I BELIEVE you! She will!
I fan, and fan some more.
:)
Flapping my arms as fast as I can, Michele! Someday these stories will be so uplifting and inspiring - a true testament to the constant love and effort you and HT put into being parents to your children. I know I'm inspired right now...
YES YES YES.
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