Now I can write about it.
You know how we moved, and started Riley in a new school. And her teacher quit the first day? And then, we switched her to another school? And she started in second grade there last week, and it went sooooo well? You know how her new teacher is the perfect fit for her? How it is all finally going to be okay?
Riley's beautiful, young, vibrant teacher underwent emergency surgery Sunday night for an aortic aneurysm. She is currently in the ICU.
I spent the past couple of days questioning my belief system, because for someone who supposedly believes in a benevolent Universe; a loving God, I felt we were being messed with. I questioned my own worth. That irrational, childish feeling that everything is my fault, seeped in. Are my husband and my kids destined to have crappy lives because of a dark cloud that seems to follow me around? I felt kicked in the teeth. One step forward, 100 steps back. How many changes can this little girl (who does not do well with transitions) endure? I despise the whole victim mentality, but there I was, steeped in it.
So I didn't write about it.
Until I had a handle on it, I didn't want to make it bigger. I wrote about "baby talk on TV," and "shooting birds" and "shoving" instead. It helped. Tempting as it was, I didn't call one person to join me in my panic.
I got out my Abraham CD's.
I went for walks.
I took good care of myself.
I ate pumpkin cheesecake, and drank green tea.
Finally, now, I'm in a place where I am thankful for the opportunity this gave me to look at the fear that I'm somehow "less than." That I'm not worthy of a good life. I've taken it out and examined it for what it is, which is total bullshit.
The fact is, Riley came home from school the last three days happy, despite her teacher being out.
The third grade special ed teacher is good friends with Riley's ailing teacher. She was the first contact I made at this new school and I trust her. She hooked Riley up with a very seasoned aide (who has tons of experience with autism) and is hoping to be able to keep her in Riley's class until her teacher recovers. And miraculously, Riley's teacher IS expected to recover. Her aneurysm didn't rupture. Rupture is almost always fatal.
It is a benevolent Universe.
On this week's Abraham CD there was a question about autism. Abraham said something to the effect that it forces the issue of healing/spiritual growth through a kind of back door. "What you never would have done for yourself, you will do for your child."
My daughter and all that she brings, continuously shines a light on the places I still need to be healed, and though it doesn't feel like it at times, it is a blessing and I am so grateful to her.
No victims here. No curses either. No black clouds.
Both Riley and her teacher are okay.
I am too.
I have faith.