Now I can write about it.
You know how we moved, and started Riley in a new school. And her teacher quit the first day? And then, we switched her to another school? And she started in second grade there last week, and it went sooooo well? You know how her new teacher is the perfect fit for her? How it is all finally going to be okay?
Well.
Riley's beautiful, young, vibrant teacher underwent emergency surgery Sunday night for an aortic aneurysm. She is currently in the ICU.
I spent the past couple of days questioning my belief system, because for someone who supposedly believes in a benevolent Universe; a loving God, I felt we were being messed with. I questioned my own worth. That irrational, childish feeling that everything is my fault, seeped in. Are my husband and my kids destined to have crappy lives because of a dark cloud that seems to follow me around? I felt kicked in the teeth. One step forward, 100 steps back. How many changes can this little girl (who does not do well with transitions) endure? I despise the whole victim mentality, but there I was, steeped in it.
So I didn't write about it.
Until I had a handle on it, I didn't want to make it bigger. I wrote about "baby talk on TV," and "shooting birds" and "shoving" instead. It helped. Tempting as it was, I didn't call one person to join me in my panic.
I got out my Abraham CD's.
I went for walks.
I meditated.
I listened.
I took good care of myself.
I ate pumpkin cheesecake, and drank green tea.
Finally, now, I'm in a place where I am thankful for the opportunity this gave me to look at the fear that I'm somehow "less than." That I'm not worthy of a good life. I've taken it out and examined it for what it is, which is total bullshit.
The fact is, Riley came home from school the last three days happy, despite her teacher being out.
The third grade special ed teacher is good friends with Riley's ailing teacher. She was the first contact I made at this new school and I trust her. She hooked Riley up with a very seasoned aide (who has tons of experience with autism) and is hoping to be able to keep her in Riley's class until her teacher recovers. And miraculously, Riley's teacher IS expected to recover. Her aneurysm didn't rupture. Rupture is almost always fatal.
It is a benevolent Universe.
On this week's Abraham CD there was a question about autism. Abraham said something to the effect that it forces the issue of healing/spiritual growth through a kind of back door. "What you never would have done for yourself, you will do for your child."
My daughter and all that she brings, continuously shines a light on the places I still need to be healed, and though it doesn't feel like it at times, it is a blessing and I am so grateful to her.
No victims here. No curses either. No black clouds.
Both Riley and her teacher are okay.
I am too.
I have faith.
15 comments:
Whoa, Michele! Check out my post from today (10/10) - I think the similarities will frighten you.
Loving your faith and your process and your strength, my dear. Have a piece of pumpkin cheesecake for me ;-).
Beautiful post. I'm going through a hard time, too, and as I write this, my face is still swollen with the crying.
My spiritual teacher said the SAME thing to me yesterday about autism; there is a message and a back door answer, and that it is the universe's way of forcing me/us to slow down and be patient.
You nailed it.
I love your process.
Keep the faith.
I'm up and can't sleep, felt a pull to check your blog, even though I was sure you couldn't possibly have posted since I checked last time, but there it was. Perfect words for me to hear right now. No accidents.
love.
I think the fact that Riley has been able to transition through all these things is a gift from God.
RIley is getting stronger than many of us realize.
She is teaching us. I am thankful for this sweet child just doing her thing- growing up.
Love,
Suzy
I join you all in the hard time department. Wrestling with all my inadequecies as various issues have come up this week. Working with my Abraham emotions book. I suck at patience. Thanks for sharing your process, Michelle. I think I'm doing great then I fall in a big hole. Constantly managing my thoughts. Nice to know I'm not alone.
My husband always accuses me of having the "A to Z" disease. I hear one thing and immediately jump to Z which is total disaster or annihilation, whichever comes first. Glad to see I'm not the only one who has it. Glad to see you working the B through Y route. And it seems to work doesn't it? Perhaps I'll try it someday. Perhaps.
Oh Michele,
You have no idea that your strength goes beyond your own situation and spills over to those who need it. I looked up yesterday and asked "why?" I am dealing with adolescent ADHD/bipolar, epilepsy, asthma and more and it hits all at once unitl I am certain I cannot handle one more drop.
And then I find the words you shared "it forces the issue of healing/spiritual growth through a kind of back door. "What you never would have done for yourself, you will do for your child."
Thank you for your shining light of hope!
Michele,
I'm sorry to hear about Riley's teacher. I hope and pray that she will be OK.
So glad Riley is adjusting to the changes. She continues to grow and amaze on so many levels. This is because of you (and your husband)and your amazing parenting style and skills.
Thank you for this beautiful post.
Wow, what grace you are to others, and you probably don't know it.
I haven't been able to respond to your email because I've been caught in something you articulated so beautifully. Just the naming, because you've gone through it so thoughtfully, is healing for me in my stuckness.
Bless you.
Hang in there, Michele. She's full of surprises. God works in mysterious ways. He always has a reason for things.
Keep the faith.
It's funny how we often need that space between trauma and writing about it ...
Glad the black clouds have lifted.
good gravy! Too much for anyone to bear, and yet, you all seem to be handling it with grace. I wanted to share my new favorite quote with you: "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson.
I am cutting out this post for future reference. It is dead on--and I need to keep seeing it.
Michelle,
You never cease to amaze me! I duck in every now and then and you're as good as ever.
Thanks for being you...in so many ways.
I've read this post several times over the past few days, and I don't know why I was too shy to comment on it. I guess because I am really in awe of your strength, and of the incredible persistence of your positive and love-filled attitude toward life, even when you aren't feeling it. You have learned to take care of yourself and your family in the most wonderful ways, and you are taking wonderful care of your readers in the process.
Thank you.
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