"You want to live like trailer trash?" she screamed.
As we passed, I leaned over and confided to my friend,
"We lived in a trailer a couple of times when I was a little kid."
She looked at me, shocked, then smiled and said..."I did too. I never tell anyone that."I wonder what shame the woman on the porch was needing to cover up? Or was it just ignorance? So many things fly out of our mouths un-thought out.
Another mother, while waiting outside Seth's school yesterday used "retarded" to refer to something stupid. She was a nice woman. She meant no harm. But she was ignorant. It's one in six these days with a developmental delay, dear.
When do you step in and say something? When do you let it slide? Is it my job to police the whole universe? Am I myself immune from making a similar ignorant slip?
When I was 19, I made a "you know they all look alike" comment to a black girl I had known since we were 12. I'd been referring to an Asian student, and I was sure she would know I didn't really mean it. That I was "cool." I'd known all of three black people my whole life up 'til then. I was trying to be funny.
It wasn't cool. It wasn't funny. It was ignorant. I've learned a lot since then.
I never saw that friend again, but the expression on her face, a combo of hurt and outrage has stayed with me. I cringe everytime I think of it and still have not forgiven myself, 20 years later. Sometimes I scoff at the idea that what I said mattered so much. No doubt she'd heard plenty of racist remarks growing up in an all white small town. But still, the thought of hurting her kills me.
Halle Barry recently made a racist remark on Jay Leno. I feel bad for any little Jewish girls who idolize her. I feel bad for Halle too. She's the one that will have to live with herself after what she said.
A wise person once told me "Never mistake for malice that which can be explained by ignorance or stupidity."
While it's true racial slurs are often steeped in malice; it is also true that malice is the result of ignorance, and fear.
I wish I could, but I can't go back and change what I said 20 years ago.
What I can do is raise my kids in a culturally diverse neighborhood.
What I can do is make an effort to know people outside my race.
I can move forward.
And be thankful for the learning.
12 comments:
I am SO with you, but not loving the wise person that used "stupidity" to explain his point of view. Stupid is right up there with retarded, if you ask me. Dumb, idiot, all those words are slurs to me. Ignorant is lack of information, not lack of intelligence, BIG difference. And don't even get me started how we "measure" "intelligence" as if IQ is the end all be all of how "smart" a person has, or measures their "potential" in any fucking way!
Whew! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!
In Two or Three Things I Know for Sure, Dorothy Allison wrote that some things can be understood only by a person who has "lived over a chassis."
We all have a lot to learn in one way or another. Some of us understand that while others are still on their way to that knowing.
I've said some stupid things, too. And have hurt some people without thinking before I said anything.
Here's a quote:
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
-Maya Angelou
true, there is so much to learn and raising our children in diversity is a definite plus for a better tomorrow, but sometimes...just now and then, I feel like everything people say and do are under such microscopes and are dissected with so much attention.
All I can worry about is myself...and my own often accidential mistakes that come flying unfiltered from my mouth.
If I read this correctly...that is exactly the point you were trying to make ;D
sending you some love,
xOx darlene
I have learned that a sincere apology goes a long way towards helping others feel better about something horrible you may have said. I have also learned that those times when we most feel as though we need to shout something out are actually the times when we most need to zip our lips and take a deep breath instead.
Thanks for the reminder.
Hi, I'm Asian and I have heard that comment (and many other worse ones) many times, right in front of my face. Usually I reacted with a resigned feeling and a sigh, and walked away. But it never occurred to me that perhaps some people do think about the things that they have said, and would years later feel committed to learn from those experiences. Thank you for writing this post.
Cecilia,
Thank you.
...and I'm sorry.
I grew up in a multicultral home Persian dad (from India), Anglo Canadian mom, in an all white community. Occasionally I would hear slurs about the East Asians who were moving into the surrounding communties. People would make racist jokes around me because I looked as white as them. Maybe because I didn't experience malicious racism the jokes didn't bother me too much. They weren't horrible people and I usually just felt that they were immature and maybe just plain scared of changes. Garden variety racism is the same as any type of exclusivity - based in insecurity. The people who don't grow up and out of it are the people who never grow up and out in any area of their lives anyways. Maybe one way to to teach our children to truly love others is to teach them that they don't have to be afraid of change. And to recognize when they feel uncomfortable with a shift in culture of any type that they are in a position to understand what the person of another race or group may feel when they are around them.
This is wonderful -- thanks for the post
Great post, thank you. And love all the comments.
I read Halle Berry's comment, and I can't say I was offended by it (and I'm Jewish). I agree that we all need to be much more aware of these things, but I also would hate for us to lose our sense of humor altogether.
I, too, have said some horrible things--and only later came to realize it was covering major insecurities. And, sometimes, you do need a kind person to explain to you (nicely) how ignorant or insecure you may sound.
I truly felt that I "understood the struggle" and was trying to be ironic.
It was so evident from my friend's expression that I didn't have a clue. What clue could I have had at 19 growing up where/how I did?
It's taken me almost 20 years to forgive myself for my ignorance.
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