It escalated into a bunch of other resentments and was still simmering this morning when we got into it again. This time he was screaming back at me.
The thing is, we don't fight. Hardly ever, and not like this.
I don't know what to do with it. For me, fighting seems catastrophic. End of the world. In my mind, the whole thing comes to an abrupt end. Is it ridiculously weak to doubt the strength of a marriage? Or is this how it happens? One day fine, the next day, done. I've got nothing to go on.
But this is us. It can't be that big a deal.
Can it?
I mean really, can it?
14 comments:
We rarely fight either [mainly because we never see each other during waking hours I think.]
Chalk it up to the general tension, stress and angst the time of year and lets face it, few things are as annoying as something up with the computer!
Cheers
This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.
oh, hang in there Michelle. You've been through worse with flying colors. I think fighting is actually healthy sometimes, sometimes you need to get it off your chest and then you feel better. now go make up.
Coming from a childhood remarkably similar to your own, I completely sympathize with your feeling that actual screaming fights feel like the end of the world.
However, just knowing your open, generous heart the way I do, and trusting that the every day things you and HT to to make each other's lives more comfortable, I have no doubt that you will both get through this.
I suspect that you have both suffered many disappointments and stresses throughout your whirlwind moves and, in an effort to make things easier for each other, you've both stuffed some resentments and frustrations. While it didn't feel good to have them come out this way, I trust that you two will find a way to make this a meaningful exchange and you'll both learn something from it.
Trust the love. Trust the reason you married each other. HT will, and things will get better.
Love.
From someone who fights like this every other day....one of the great lessons is noticing what endures. It is healthy to work through anger (not around it).
What I know about you two is that you have a solid, sure foundation. You'll be fine. It must feel traumatic because it's new territory for you.
I tend to think that you can finally go there because your marriage CAN withstand it. You've had so much on your plate to survive with the kids that you've had to just be strong.
Trust and faith, trust and faith.
I think people that come from our disruptive/volatile/dysfunctional childhoods don't know WHAT normal is, and that indeed, a few raised voices now and then IS normal, and doesn't mean the whole deal is "off." Believe me, I thought a fight meant divorce, and still, part of me does. Funny, it doesn't mean that at ALL to my husband. Same situation, totally different responses, triggers.
I've got bad news for you, you're NORMAL. Or would you prefer I call you TYPICAL? Either way, there ain't nothing to worry about.
love.
If a fight was enough to end a marriage, mine would be long over. My husband and I are both middle children, both Taurus and I have been blessed with Irish heritage...need I say more? You and HT are gentle and loving and will absolutely survive. Google a list of "life stressers" You will find that moving and job changes, not to mention the kids, are huge! You two have been through quite a bit this year and letting some of that bubble up and out is probably good.
I've got something worse for you than an argument: apathy.
Make amends and tell him how much you love him. It was the blogging withdrawl talking. I mean, you WERE missing your daily dose of support, you know?
He's HT. Be grateful that you guys can talk it out.
xo
I think fighting is healthy sometimes too. And doubt.
Maybe you and HT could use a good old dose of lock-down?
I still have that same scared response to fighting, though I've gotten quite used to it over the last year, sorry to say. I would think our relationship was over and my husband would be surprised that I thought that. Different backgrounds and expectations.
Sometimes with all of the tension and frustration... ya just blow...!
Period.
Oh Dear....fighting's no fun, but hopefully you can make the make-up part special.
Someone is bound to blow at some point in a long term relationship - no worries here.
Forgive yourself, then you can forgive the other. I think that's the deal
Goood Luck
And it's about damn time you guys had a good fight anyway. What were you waiting for??
I'm not married, but I understand the fear of what a fight might mean. I hate that I often hold things in because my fear of the fight (and potential loss) is stronger than my need to express myself.
I can't offer any insight about marriage, but I'm saying a prayer for you right now, that your doubt dissipates and your assurance of love and strength and connection re-emerges with more power!
Ouch.
In my experience, getting through these things is largely a matter of acknowledging that there are always two sides to the issue. If you both own your pieces, all will be well.
For myself, I'm aware that simple marital squabbles feel like utter devastation...but this is a facet of my own baggage, really. The reality is not nearly as bad as it feels at the moment.
Oh my, you are SO not Italian, my friend. I think your background, which you've shared a bit here on your blog, makes you feel more threatened by vocal conflict. It's clear you and Todd have a great marriage. A fight is a fight. It means you're alive and human and get angry. We all do. If you never let off your steam it will burn you from the inside. This way it dissipates and you both learn from it.
Cyberhugs. And I NEVER give cyberhugs. :)
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