Random Hot Toddyisms

"From your lips to God's ears!"

Exp: "We're going to win the lotto tonight, I can feel it!"

"From your lips to God's ears!"

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"......if I bit him."

Exp: "Didn't you used to work with so & so?

"Yeah, but he wouldn't know me now if I bit him."
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"If you put a gun to my head......"

Exp: What was the name of that restaurant we liked in Chicago?"

(after a long pause),

"If you put a gun to my head I still couldn't think of it."
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"If I were a betting man......"

Exp: "Why do you think she's screaming?"

"If I were a betting man, I'd say it has something to do with Seth."
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"I'll take one for the team."

Exp: "You had nothing to write about today so I had to take one for the team?"

.......to be continued.

I Take It Back

If there is one thing I've learned from being the mother to a very special teacher it is this: There is always a fear based reason beneath a person's acting out. Once this universal truth is in your bones, you can't get very far being unloving. Once you know, you can't not know.

With this in mind I take back my last post. I have no idea what kind of demons this man lives with. I don't know his history (or that of his followers). I have no idea what it's like to be him. It just hasn't set well with me all day, attacking a brother for being afraid.

My mistake.

Love.

Jerry

From World Net Daily.com:

"......there's no need for the church of Jesus Christ to be wasting its time gullibly falling for all of this global warming hocus-pocus."

-Rev. Jerry Falwell, Lynchburg VA.


Might I just say that I have met many LOVELY people so far during my two years here in Lynchburg? Most of them don't even have their heads up their butts. Or the Bush administration's either, for that matter.

Speaking of....the Boy

Not enough has been made about the effect vision therapy is having on our so called "typical" little guy. Let me begin by saying the therapy is excruciating for him. We switch exercises each week and the first few days are hell. I had no idea how disjointed the right and left sides of his body had been? Exp: I had no idea it would nearly kill him to sit in a chair and simultaneously lift his right leg and left arm ten times. He cries, he stalls, he slumps in his seat. I quickly had to get over my "you’re supposed to be the easy one. Don’t give me any trouble" mentality. Now that I’ve remembered to offer him the same compassion I give his sister, we are getting through much more smoothly.

No one ever would have said that Seth was a "behavior" problem before, but he did have some annoying tendencies, which I attributed to living with a sib with issues. He was whiny. He was sometimes clingy. He never had a problem at preschool, but would often come home and be miserable the rest of the day.

Seth has always been fought bedtime. He takes a long time to settle down. He comes out of his room repeatedly after we tuck him in. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve sent him off to sleep after screaming at him when he’s come out for the 4th or 5th time. It makes you feel awful, but GO TO BED KID!

Once asleep, he thrashes all over, ending up with his head at the foot, his blankets everywhere. We have two kitchen chairs backed up to the edge of his bed to keep him from falling out.

Now suddenly, fourth week in, Todd and I notice.....hey....he hasn’t been miserable? I can’t remember the last time I yelled at him. Hey, he hasn’t come out at bedtime in like, two weeks ? In fact, he’s walking into his room and crawling under his covers without being asked. Hey, he hasn’t been whining, has he? No. He hasn’t.

The only thing different is the vision therapy. Somehow it is helping him sleep better? Perhaps my little love bug was just baseline tired before, (and not emotionally damaged due to screaming Mi-Mi...please God)?

Anyway....we are thrilled with what we're seeing. He is working so hard and we are so proud of our little man. We are enjoying him more than ever.

We are definitely fortunate people, who are benefiting from positive circumstances.

http://www.autisticvision.com/

A Lesson In Not Assuming Someone's Motives

We're sitting at the kitchen table. Seth's got a plate of sliced apples in front of him. He’s slowing down on his snack and I ask him,

"Seth, can I have one of your apples?"

He considers this a minute, then slips me the smallest one on his plate.

Slightly amused at his selfishness, I take it and bite into my apple slice.

We sit there quietly chewing, and then he says,

"Mom, I gave you the small one....because you’re skinny."

Bless his little heart.

The Opposite of Victim

I am a fortunate person who benefits from positive circumstances.

First, Do No Harm

Would it make sense to argue with somone who is crazy? Someone seriously mentally ill? I would never try to convince a person split off with schizophrenia that what they think isn't real. It would be pointless.

That's about where I am with the whole vaccination thing. I'm tired of barking up that tree. All I know is that doctors who don't think there is a connection had nothing to offer my daughter. Zilch.

Doctors who are working under the vaccination premise are helping my child by leaps and bounds. There is a video that runs about an hour and a half that someone sent me recently. It is about vaccinations. (A whole hour and a half)? Especially if you are in the process of making vaccination decisions, how much time have you devoted in your life to a host of other less important subjects? I'm going to post it here and then I am going to be done.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8610554679207090010

I believe most doctors go into med school with a heartfelt desire to help people. If you, as a "helper" stumbled across information that linked you to the unimaginable pain and suffering of millions of children and their loved ones worldwide, you might just split off too. Plus, there is the lure of all those "perks." One of my old neighbors was a drug rep for a Big Pharma company in the Chicago area and some of her doctors were getting $200,000 per year in kickbacks (free trips to Hawaii, country club memberships, dinners, even shopping expenditures for the doctor's wives). Who would want to face the truth if it meant giving all that up?

The pharmaceutical companies who make billions off these mandatory vaccines and who control our doctors and government? That leap is a little harder for me to make, but of course, they are sick too. Sick and afraid. They know their empire is about to topple and they are coming out swinging. The thing is, they'll never win. Their corrupt power is no match for the love we have for our children.

I'm sick to death of feeling like a victim. I'm done with it. We are where we are, and we're moving forward. Period.

Love.

ABC Says I'm a Murderer?

This today from A-Champ:

"Walt Disney Corp. and ABC news have teamed up in a deplorable effort to discredit parents who know that vaccines are responsible for their kids' autism.

In what appears to be a concerted effort by pharmaceutical manufacturers, and other related network advertiser "cash cows', ABC'S 20-20 has joined other networks to launch a calculated plan of attack, designed to misinform the public about the causes of autism, and the safety of vaccines.

John Stossel, will present a report tonight that scrapes the bottom of the scum pond. He suggests that parent-advocates, and lawyers representing them, are responsible for deaths because some parents decline vaccination because of the real danger to their children. The disingenuous media propaganda bought by pharma dollars never ceases.

Driven by their sponsors, 20-20 promotes its one-sided "theatrical" version of the causes of autism and the role of vaccines in causing neurodevelopmental disorders. A-Champ has already registered its disapproval of ABC's one-sided and inflammatory programming and promotion with ABC's head of Public Relations, Jeffery Schneider. Mr. Schneider's response was haughty indifference. He declined our offer to speak with a group of parent-advocates. Mr. Schneider and his colleagues understand one thing only: advertising dollars $$$. It is time to make Disney and ABC pay a financial price for their one-sided programing. It's time to take action.

Please encourage everyone you know to contact the people below.

Public Relations Jeffrey Schneider, 212-456-7777
Reporter John Stossel & Producer Alison Appel 212-456-7301
Vice President Kerry Marash 212-456-7777

Remember that ABC is owned by Disney Corporation which has built an entire industry around children and families. Don't forget to count the pharmaceutical ads that run on ABC all day."

Message Brought To You By A-CHAMP
Advocates for Children's Health Affected by Mercury Poisoning

Bad News/Good News

Riley flipped out in violin today after a series of things happened at school (substitute teacher, difficulty with an activity in gym class, etc..). She was tired and her fingers weren't working right. She made a couple of mistakes and couldn't deal with her own imperfection. I took her out in the hall to calm down, and when we got back in, she escalated all over again because she had missed a song she had worked hard on at home and had been excited about playing. The teacher stopped everything and told her "there would be no screaming in her class," and then told her she had to APOLOGIZE to the other students. Livid, I immediately took her out, which further escalated the situation because she was devastated to be missing violin class. I got a lot of looks from other teachers, some concerned, others disgusted, as I sat in the hall holding my screaming child. Seth sat on the floor next to us, silent.

I am so sick of professionals being so uneducated about these kids. After class I talked with the teacher. She said Riley was scaring the other kids and taking up their time. I asked if a child with epilepsy had a seizure, would she make them apologize for scaring the other children or taking up their time? It IS NOT A BEHAVIORIAL ISSUE. If she could control herself, she would, and she does, most of the time. If she can't, I remove her from violin class. I believe the teacher is really willing to try and she has a good heart. She felt bad about the whole thing and welcomed my feedback and.... she apologized.

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The good news? Riley pooped at school and took care of everything all by herself (see previous post).

Wipe Until Clean

Riley was not officially potty trained until the age of five and a half. Her fine motor delays made wiping tricky and even now, at 6 and a half, she calls me into the bathroom to double check her. She holds it in all day, every day at school. Several times I have been called in because she is writhing in pain, having to "go" but refusing to do her business without me there.

Today, as we waited for the bus, we had a little talk about it.

"Why won’t you go potty at school?" I asked for the millionth time.

Usually I get a shrug or an "I don’t know?"

Today she said, "Because I can’t see my own bottom. So I don’t know if I’m clean."

(This is just one issue. The toilet flushes loud and the sink doesn’t turn on easily, but it feels like we’re onto something here).

"Well Riley, you have your flushable wipes (the school’s plumbing be damned). Why don’t you wipe one time, then use a second wipe, and then after a third, check to see if the wipe is clean. If the third one is clean, your bottom is probably okay."

She looked at me like I had just revealed one of the secrets of the Universe.

"Really?"

"Really."

She tipped her head to the side, pondering my brilliance..

"Yeah! So if the third wipe is clean, then my bottom will be clean." She repeated.

"And if it isn’t, then just keep going until one comes clean. Do you think you could try that?"

"Yeah." she said, smiling. Then hunching her shoulders, she added, "Maybe?"

My child is super smart. She performs way above her grade level at school, but many things most children learn intuitively escape her. Once properly explained, she usually "get's it" quickly. It's just a matter of figuring out what needs spelling out and how exactly to spell it.

Autism Anthology

I got my complimentary Cup of Comfort book in the mail yesterday. My story is on page 113! It will be out March 13th. (What's with all the prime numbers)? So far I've read just a few of the stories, but the one about a little violin player named Sophie nearly killed me dead.

Turn Around Bright Eyes

Visualize this, if you will:

Me in my maroon mini-van, gripping the steering wheel. Singing along to the radio in a slightly off-key falsetto:

"And I need you MORE tonight. And I need you MORE than ev-ah!
And if you’ll only hold me tight!
We’ll be holding on ...for-ev-AH!
And we’ll only be making it ri-III-ite.
And we’ll never be wrong........"


Just had coffee with a gal pal. Two full hours of freedom ahead of me before I have to pick up a kid.


"Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
NOTHING I CAN DO, A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART!"

Whispery now...

"A total eclipse of the heart."

There.

I don’t see why I should be the only one with this song in my head all day?

"Turn around bright eyes.......?"

Eric Chen

Prayer of Practicality (inspired by the Prayer of Saint Francis)

Inner Inspiration
Remind me of why I came into this life
So that I may pray with sincerity


Inner Inspiration, lead me to practice my ideals
May I learn from those whom I dislike
May I appreciate criticism which insults me
May I learn the key to harmony from conflicts
May I demonstrate wisdom in times of error
May I remain clear when faced with my desires
May I honor this prayer when facing trouble
May I inspire those whom I find wanting
May I be wise enough to celebrate my suffering


Inner Inspiration, lead me to use myself as my instrument
To comfort others through comforting myself
To understand others through understanding myself
To love others through loving myself
And to become the change that I seek


For it is by self-experience that one is touched
By self-forgiving that one is forgiven
By moving with the world that one moves the world
And by making history that one understands history

Amen.
- Made by Eric Chen (http://iautistic.com)
As part of a project to heal the divide of autism

Something Happening Here?

Over the weekend Riley got up and got dressed, by herself. She then went to the bathroom, by herself. Next, she went out into the kitchen, by herself, and poured herself a breakfast of pumpkin seeds, raisins and peanuts. She also got her brother a bowl of cashews. She was happy, happy, happy.

We can’t think of one time that she screamed over the weekend. This morning she got up, dressed herself for school, did her vision therapy, ate breakfast, then worked on some art at the dining room table. Then, she jumped on the trampoline in the living room (yes we have a trampoline in the living room, who doesn't?)for a few minutes before going outside to wait for the bus.

As we stood there at the end of the driveway we did our little thing. We say two lessons from A Course in Miracles and we alternate words.

Riley: My
Me: heart
Riley: is
Me: beating
Riley: in
Me: the
Riley: peace
Me: of
Riley: God.

and

Riley: The
Me: hush
Riley: of
Me: Heaven
Riley: holds
Me: my
Riley: heart
Me: today.

Seth watched from the living room window and we both sent him the I LOVE YOU sign with our fingers. He did it back, then pressed his nose to the window, making himself look like a little pig. Riley laughed.

Standing there in her pink coat, she kicked at the ground a couple of times and then asked, "What if I rode the bus home?"

You see....I’ve been picking her up everyday since the beginning of the year. Riding the bus in the morning when you are fresh is very different from riding the bus after a long day of sensory bombardment.

I smiled.

"That’s your choice Riley. If you ever feel like you’re ready to ride the bus home, we can talk to your teacher about setting it up."

"Well, I’m a little bit scared." She said quickly, squeezing the straps of her backpack tighter.

"It’s totally up to you. You don’t have to. You’ll know when you’re ready."

"Okay." she said, releasing her grip.

A minute later I kissed the top of her head and she climbed onto the bus. Still a bit awkward but she alternated her feet, which is a big deal to those of us "in the know." Alternating up the bus steps was different for her.

Riley has never fixed herself breakfast before. She's never woke up and walked out into the kitchen on her own. She usually needs a lot of redirecting to do simple tasks like getting dressed, and she often balks at going potty.

But the last three days she’s been doing it all herself.

We started week four of vision therapy today.

My heart is beating in the peace of God.

Hee-hee!

Hot Toddy got me the newest Brad Paisley CD for Valentine's Day. I like Brad Paisely. He's a talented song writer and guitar player (not that I know squat about guitar playing) but the main thing I love about him is he makes me laugh.

There is a song on the CD about playing in a band and laughing all the way to the bank. He tells an ex who didn't believe in him to kiss his backstage pass. This makes me laugh.

There is another song that asks "How many flowers have to die?" (before you forgive me). "Stop the senseless killing" it begs. This makes me laugh.

I like people who make me laugh.

Laughing is fun.

Ha-ha!

The best way to get Seth to laugh is by saying "Don't laugh."

Riley's laugh is the sweetest music in the Universe.

Todd's laugh is silent (remember the fur ball)?

Is it too late to make a New Year's resolution?

I want to laugh more.

Every day.

Doyng!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UjXi6X-moxE&mode=related&search=

Hee-hee!

Ha Ha!

Don't laugh!

Cool News

Guess what? I got an e-mail yesterday from a woman asking permission to use my Seeing Through New Eyes piece in the News section of The Journal of Behavioral Optometry (the journal for the Optometric Extension Program Foundation which Dr. Kaplan is an associate of). You just never know who is reading. How cool is that?

Michelle, Michelle, Michelle

Our internet service provider recently was bought out or merged or whatever. I'm now Comcast, at least for the time being. If they send me one more thing about how "comcastic" the switch is, trying to sugar coat the pain in the a$$ it is to change everything over, we might have to look elsewhere.

Anyway....When I set up my signature preferences on my outgoing e-mails I accidently typed www.michellewrites.blogspot.com, rather than michelleoneilwrites.blogspot.com. I wonder how many people clicked on it and wondered about my dual life?

Devoted mom & writer by day. Beautiful young party girl by night.

Hey, it could happen.

My Little Trooper

I was 23 when I took my first martial arts class. At the time, I could not do one real push up. I could not stand on one leg, with my fists out in front of me, holding the other leg bent in the air, without toppling over. Part of our warm-up was jumping rope. It took me weeks to be coordinated enough to do it the real way, the skipping/running fast way.

It’s been over a decade since my last martial arts class. (I moved and could not find a school of the caliber I was used to). Getting up from my chair today, I stand on one leg, with my fists out in front of me, holding the other leg bent in the air. I could do it all day long if I had to.

Permanent changes were made.

The elasticity of the brain.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Imagine the possibilities when you start vision therapy at six years old?

Riley is working so hard. She is a trooper. With all the different things we ask of her, she never questions, “Why are you making me do this?” She just does the work.

She is incredible.

Today I’m going to make a list of all the things Riley has going for her.

It will be a long list.

She's going to be just fine.

I am so proud to be her mom.

Reasons to Celebrate!

1) It's Carrie Link's birthday!

Happy, Happy day to the "Love." girl herself.


2) Check out Ms. Jenny Rough's article in the Washington Post! Congratulations Jenny. You are the coolest.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/11/AR2007021101240.html

3) Happy Valentine's Day!


"And my weary mind is rested.
And I feel as if my home is in your arms.
Fears are all gone, I like the sound of your song,
and I think I'm gonna sing it forever."

-Anita Baker

Happy Valentine's Day Hot Toddy.
You're dreamy.

From One Mom to Another

If you are pregnant or have small children or are even thinking about starting a family, I urge you to read up on safer vaccination practices.

The ever expanding immunization schedule (see Kim Stagliano's blog)was put in place not to protect your child, but to pad the pockets of a select few. Unfortunately, people standing to make a lot of money from vaccines were also in charge of vaccine safety. Too eager to push new vaccines through the approval process, they made hasty decisions without proper study.

Dr. Stephanie Cave wrote a book titled What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Childhood Vaccinations. I heard her speak at a DAN! conference a couple of years ago and I really liked her. She became a doctor later in life, after raising her children. I like to think this gives her an edge in the "not losing your soul" battle that so many kids in med school unfortunaly are worn down from and defeated by. In her book, Cave informs parents about immunizations and outlines a safer vaccination schedule to follow.

If your doctor isn't willing to alter the vaccination schedule, or treats you disrespectfully, get up and leave. The idea of searching for a new doctor may seem daunting, but compared to the reality of raising a vaccine injured child? Trust me. Confronting a rude physician is a piece of cake.

I am a registered nurse. I am not anti-vaccine. I understand the need for protecting the public health. I do however live with the cost of "following the herd" mentality every day.

Another source to look at is Dr. Mercola's
site. It's pretty "in your face" but then again, so is autism.

I don't know why I even beat this drum? It's not like it's gonna help my children? Besides, no one wants to hear this. But then again, maybe one person will listen? That one? I write this for you.

How's It Goin?

Todd walks in the front door from work. As he takes off his coat he glances at me,

"How's it goin?" he asks.

I deadpan, "I feel like a caged animal, trapped in a life of hell."

Our eyes lock for a two second beat. In those two seconds he reads me and determines I'm allright.

He cracks up, and I start laughing too.

My relief is here.

I can breathe.

Okay, perhaps "trapped in a life of hell" was a smidge over the top.

At least today it was.

Word Girl

"I don’t want to pay the mortgage on a pile of goo!"

He was in the next room, playing with his sister. It stopped me in my tracks.

The word "mortgage" sounded so strange coming out of a four year old?

The next day at the dinner table Seth said,

"Mom. Vicious means violent and mean."

"Um-hm," I nodded. "Eat your peas."

distracted

timid

cumbersome

demolished

These are just some of the words peppering my kid's conversations these days.

They've discovered Word Girl on PBS kids dot com.

The Dixie Chicks at the Grammys

Congratulations to Marti, Emily and Natalie!!!

The Dixie Chicks swept the Grammys.

Well deserved.

Well deserved.

Six Weird Things About Me

1) I don't like odd numbers, unless of course they can be divided evenly.

Exp: Nine is okay, because it can be divided by three.
Seven, not okay at all.

(Hot Toddy informs me it's "prime" numbers I dislike).

2) I once was a licensed cosmetologist(not a good one mind you).

3) My first name isn't Michelle.

4) I don't allow my husband to call me his "wife."

5) I sometimes watch The Girl's Next Door. (Holly, Bridgette, Kendra and Hef, otherwise known as Puffin). I just can't figure that whole situation out? I also can't seem to turn away.

6) I think of The Dixie Chicks as close personal friends.

Stay On The Ride

"I'm staying on the ride. It's gonna take me somewhere."

-Patty Griffin

Autism Article

My friend Suzy sent me this:

http://www.bradenton.com/mld/bradenton/news/nation/16660553.htm


A couple of things......

1) The CDC is NO FRIEND to children with autism. Don't buy it. Don't buy it. Don't buy it.

2) The article states that 10 % of the 8 year old population studied has some form of autism. 10%!

It goes on:

"Our estimates are becoming better and more consistent, though we can't yet tell if there is a true increase in (autism spectrum disorders) or if the changes are the result of our better studies," CDC Director Julie Gerbering said in a statement.

Anyone who can look at the numbers and make a statement like that should be tested for their own developmental delay.

3) The article describes Asperger's as "relatively subtle." My kid is on the high functioning end of the spectrum but she does not go "unnoticed" for very long. Believe me, subtle, she's not.

(Speaking of "high functioning," I really need to write something about that label. Perhaps another day).

Anyway...if this is what the CDC is admitting to, one can only imagine the scope of the truth.


Think autism doesn't affect you? Look out. Our ecomony stands to come crashing down if the powers that be continue to ignore this epidemic. If we continue to deny these kids the medical interventions and therapies they need.

What happens when the parents die? The "lower functioning" will end up institutionalized. Who's paying? Without early intervention, our "higher functioning" kids will be out on the street. You think we have a homeless crises now? Just wait.

10% of the 8 year old population has some form of autism?

It's a self inflicted medical travesty. A result of greed and collective unconsciousness.

It's a disgrace.

And it will affect everyone.

Lee Silsby

The phone rang last week and it was a representative from Lee Silsby. If you have a kid on the spectrum, you probably know Lee Silsby is one of the few compounding pharmacies across the country making our much needed medications and supplements.

Anyway...The friendly lady on the phone was calling to tell me Lee Silsby had started to take our insurance. I wouldn't have ever known if she hadn't called? She took our info and Riley's stuff came today and we are now paying 1/2 of what we had been paying.

Thank you Lee Silsby!


Lee Silsby Compounding Pharmacy
3216 Silsby Road
Cleveland Hts., OH 44118
1-800-918-8831
www.leesilsby.com

The Secret on Oprah

For anyone interested in learning more about The Secret, Oprah is featuring it today on her show. Do tune in!

Little Brothers!

Now we know why Seth's been praying for snow all winter?

She'll Do Anything For Him

Yesterday:

8:20AM I put Riley on the bus. She had a great morning. No fussing. She left for school happy, adorable.

9:15AM The school calls. They say she's sick. (I know she's not sick, but I go get her).

9:20AM I pick her up. She is sooooo not sick. She skips out to the car.

9:30AM We make her lay down in bed for a couple of hours, because she's sooooo sick.

12:00 Seth home from preschool. They play all afternoon. Typical day.

2:00PM Hot Toddy off to work the evening shift.

4-8PM No trouble with homework, dinner, violin, bath, vision therapy, bed.

Overall, great day.

9:30PM Checking in on them. Seth's head is at the foot of his bed. He's covered head to toe in vomit. He slept through the whole thing. He sleeps through me changing his clothes, his bedding.

10:00PM As I toss Seth's blankets into washing machine I have a thought.

Perhaps it was Seth's tummy Riley was feeling this morning?

Why I Don't Drive Off the Cliff

For an hour, I lay on the floor in my writing room, berating myself. I can’t let her go to bed like this, thinking I’m mad at her.

I walk upstairs, then down the hall with my tail between my legs. The three of them are on her bed. Riley is reading Amelia Bedelia to Todd and Seth. Crawling in, I lay my head on the pillow next to her, shut my eyes and listen to her tiny voice read all the big words.

We tuck them in. Prayers. I sing Wynkin, Blynkin & Nod.

I'm turning to leave when she says,

“Mommy, I’m a little bit worried.”

“What about?” I ask. Please God don’t let it be me.

“Doctor Kaplan is going to be mad because I screamed on the videotape.” She says from under her covers.

Pulling back her blankets, I crawl in. I tell her we turned the tape off for that part. It’s all okay. Dr. Kaplan will never be mad at her, whether she screams or not.

“Riley, I’m sorry I got so upset with you. Mommy was tired and she lost her patience. I'm not perfect and I get angry, and I makes lots of mistakes. Sometimes I don’t feel like a very good mommy to you.”

She looks up at me with her huge eyes and says, “I think you’re just right.”

--

After, in the kitchen, I tell Todd about our conversation.

He’s already read my post.

“You don’t have to make up for whatever your father did or was or is.” He says.

“This is our family, and you do an amazing job.”

We sit on the dirty kitchen floor and I cry onto his shoulder.

"Stop beating up on my girl." he says. "I would be done without you."

Somebody Please Shoot Me

After a week of vision therapy, we are supposed to videotape a session. It has been going perfectly fine all week, but tonight, Riley balked. Her routine was off a bit today, and then the camera threw her for a loop. She flipped out. She could not snap out of it.

Then, I flipped out. Big time.

I threw a chair. I hit a wall. In front of my children.

(I did not hit my child).

Her routine was off. It was my fault.

I didn’t talk her down well enough. My patience is gone.

Todd worked 9-9 both days over the weekend, and picked up overtime today to pay for all these f-ing therapies. I have not had a break.

It feels like unless I tiptoe around walking on eggshells, jumping when she says jump and dancing when she says dance, our world falls apart. One little glitch and it’s like dominoes. The whole evening is shot.

This is not unlike my childhood, living with an alcoholic parent.

Dance.
Dance.
Dance.

On the flip side, my rage tonight is not unlike my father's.

I love this girl beyond measure, but I am so tired of the F-ing dance.

Lest I Get Discouraged.....

Saturday, I was able to leave my children at the kiddie computers while I checked out at the library.

Yes, I was within earshot, and it was only for five minutes, but still, we're making good progress.

Potty Talk

Unless you have a child on the spectrum, you probably don’t know about the associated potty issues. Riley could speak in short sentences at 14 months. When it came time to potty training we thought we had it “in the can.” After all, she’s incredibly smart, right? Well, smart has nothing to do with recognizing bodily sensations. Or with the fine motor skills required for wiping. Or with the fight or flight response that comes over her when confronted with seemingly daunting tasks.

Five and a half. She was five (and a half) when it finally happened and now at six (and a half) she still needs some help.

This child goes potty at 7 AM and then holds it all day until 3:30 when she gets home from school. You see, the sink in the children’s bathroom is too hard to turn on, and she would never not wash her hands. The flush in the nurse’s office is too loud, so that bathroom is out too.

Even at 3:30 when she gets home she fights me.

“No! I don’t have to go!” she’ll say as she wiggles all over the place.

But I’ve found a strategy.

Somehow if she’s doing it for me, she feels backed into a corner.

However,if,in a high pitched puppet show voice I say,

“Riley….this is your poor bladder. Help me out here! I’m about to burst!”

She will giggle and get on the potty.

“Riley…I am so full? What did you drink today? A swimming pool?”

She’ll start to go.

Once she’s “in the swing,” I can leave.

Yesterday I turned toward the door and she stopped me.

“Mom. I think my poor colon has something to say too?”

Who says these kids lack empathy?

Smackdown

Did I mention Riley's violin class is held at 3PM? Did I mention it takes place onstage in the gymnasium...while a gym class is going on? These 8 little violin players are crammed shoulder to shoulder behind the stage curtain.
They listen to their teacher above the sound of balls dribbling, kids screaming, and often times, the gym teacher flips on music to accompany her class.

Now, all kids are tired by 3PM. Riley, even more so, because her neurological system isn't in tact. She spends every moment on her last nerve, and works very hard to keep it together over the course of a typical day. I dare say she does a better job than most of us would under the circumstances but this violin set-up bugs me. It isn't good for any of the kids but it sets up my child (with sensory processing issues) to fail in particular.

I wrote a very friendly letter to the principle, requesting a change of classrooms. He's a young, personable guy. All the kids love him. Riley loves him.

I dropped it off before violin.

He didn't have it in his hand for more than five minutes when he sought me out to tell me there was no other place in the school. They'd searched everywhere at the beginning of the year.

Nothing to be done.

It's only kindegarten and I am already so tired of this.

David Hawkins in his book Power vs. Force says, "Support the solution instead of attacking the supposed causes."

My mind is clear as mud.

I don't know the solution.

The Nickname Game

Hot Toddy called Gus to wish him a happy birthday last night. And by Gus, I mean his brother "Tim." Todd's brother and most of his friends have obscure nicknames that I don't get. No one really knows where the names came from, (at least they're not spilling that information to me).

There's Blitz, Barnes (not his last name by the way) Big Fig, Little Fig, (?), Fred (of course, because his name is Vince). You get the idea.

Todd's friends call him Toddo. At least that one makes sense?

But seriously, this guy is gonna give me crap about Hot Toddy?

BTW, now he's really gonna kill me.