Gibran Quote

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

What Not to Wear

Slumped on the couch in a vegetative state, our backs are almost on the cushions designed for sitting. Hot Toddy and I are B-E-A-T beat. He flips around then passes the remote to me. I flip and pass it back. He lands on What Not to Wear, just in time to hear Clinton and Stacy bashing a poor woman about her footwear.

"Socks with sandals?" They recoil in horror. The woman hides her face in shame.

I lift up my leg from the floor revealing my socked sandal to Hot Toddy.

He nods and smirks.

"That's my girl." he says.

When Stacy and Clinton ambush me, I'll try my best to act surprised.

Happy Bloggiversary to Me!

And for you.....a rare a peek at the kiddos.

Brace yourself for the cuteness.



Fri 1:28PM

You snooze, you lose. No soup for you.

Come back again.

One year.

One Year

Then (Just back from Portland. Okay, I guess I'll start a blog).



Tomorrow is my bloggiversary. When I began blogging a year ago, I had no idea what it would mean. I'd begun writing a memoir, and had just attended my second Jennifer Lauck writing workshop, where we all got whipped into a frenzy to start our own blogs. We thought it would be great writing practice and a wonderful way to stay connected and support one another. What an understatement.

For me, the blog is sprint training for the marathon that is the memoir. They are two seperate entities, working for the common good. The memoir is a way to process the past. The blog is a way to process the present.

Initially, I had no intention of writing an "autism blog" but Jennifer Lauck said, "write your life." I did and what I've received back has been a huge gift. Who knew that soon, a whole slew of folks would care so much about this family? I am in awe when I look at my map and think of you coming here from all over the world to share our joys and trials.

Thank you for giving me your hearts over the last year. It has been my blessing, truly.


Now (Another year older, grew out my bangs, finished the third draft of my memoir).



Stop by tomorrow for a special bloggiversary surprise!

My Dream of Becoming a Plus Size Model

What's your professional fantasy? Mine is to become a plus sized model. Have you ever seen a bigger woman, who is beautiful, fashionable and exuding confidence? I love this! I've known women like this. They seem to have told the skinny mags to go straight to hell. They own their bodies and work it. Plus size models have it made. They have great clothes, a make-up team, and they can eat anything they want. These women are laughing all the way to the bank. It's brilliant!

Hot Toddy doesn't think I stand much of a chance. I'm 5'2" and hover on or near 120 lbs.

Paying no heed to the naysayers I pop another handful of chocolate covered peanuts into my mouth(the children know nothing of my stash). Gotta keep my eyes on the prize.

Women who are confident and comfortable in their bodies, whatever the size.

I wanna be like them.

Simpsonwood

An organization called United Methodist Women is hosting a conference at the Simpsonwood Retreat Center near Atlanta in June. It's called The Truth is Coming to Light and it's purpose is to educate the faith community about mercury in vaccines and other drugs.

What? A spiritual community on board?

I looked up their mission statement:

"UMC shall be a community of women whose purpose is to know God and to experience freedom as whole persons through Jesus Christ/ With continuing awareness of the concerns and responsibilities of the Church in today's world, the Women's Division shall be an advocate for the oppressed and dispossessed with special attention to the needs of women and children; shall work to build a supportive community among women; and shall engage in activities that foster growth in the Christian faith, mission education, and Christian social involvement."

"Special attention to the needs of women and children."

Reading this gave me a twang in my heart. You know when things are really crappy, and you're going along coping, handling it, and then someone is nice to you and it's awful because it breaks down your tough wall and you start to cry, because the kindness is just too much?

One in 150 kids is now autistic. One in 94 boys.

80% of marriages end in divorce when there is an autistic child.

Chirdren are hurting.

Families are breaking.

It is a social crises.

As always, in times of need, the spiritual communites reach out. It makes perfect sense.

United Methodist Women definately has hootzpa. Isn't it ironic that they're affiliated with Simpsonwood? Y'all heard about the 2000 Simpsonwood meeting, didn't you?

It was held the month Riley was born.

Autism on Larry King Tonight 9PM est

Thanks to Kim Stagliano for alerting me to tonight's Larry King show on CNN. It's a repeat and I missed it the first time. Bill Cosby will be on, advocating for a friend's child. Singer Toni Braxton is also interviewed. Her son is autistic.

Larry King, tonight, 9P eastern time.

Read Kim's blog and don't forget to click on her great article in the Huffington Post.

www.kimstagliano.blogspot.com/

Wisdom from Wallace D. Wattles

"Do not pay too much attention to the advice or suggestions of those around you:do not believe that anyone can know , better than yourself, what is right for you. Listen to what others have to say, but always form your own conclusions."


Imagine growing up with this information as a child?

The teacher, the preacher, the doctor, your friends, your enemies, your parents, are not the authority on you. You are the authority on you.

The tooth fairy came to our house this week. Yesterday, Riley stood in the toy aisle, ready to spend her dollar (and a few more of mine). Sometimes her brain has a hard time making decisions. It's like a continuous escalating loop in her head, with life or death consequences to each choice, as far as she's concerned.

After a long look, up and down the toy aisles she finally asked,

"Mommy, what do you think I want?"

It would be so easy to just pick something for her, so we could get out of the store already.

I take a deep breath and say,

"I can't tell you that Riley. Only you know what you want."

She finally did find just the thing.

Love Is.......

When you get out of the shower, and you go to your dresser and find you have no clean bras.

And you go downstairs into the laundry room, and discover that your husband did laundry last night, and you have five clean, dry, bras hanging on the rack.

Because I'm Just That Kind of Bloggy Friend

Sometimes I'm sick, and I don't even tell you. I don't want to give you my germs.

No need to thank me.

Your good health is thanks enough.

Love.

What I've Learned

I wanted to learn unconditional love.

My daughter came forth to teach me.

She said, "I will be someone you can't shove into a box. I won't conform. I will march to the beat of my own drum, always. If you even think of forcing me to change I'll create a ruckus. No matter what anyone thinks, I will be me. I'll teach you to do the same. And you my dear mother....will have no choice, but to love me to your depths."

And I do.

Unconditionally.


* The above concept was discussed in a CD on the teachings of Abraham(Abraham-Hicks Publications, CD-9-23-06- Detroit, MI).

Precious Boy

On the way to get Riley at school today I didn't turn the car radio on. When we got there, as I turned off the engine, Seth, from his seat in the back said,

"Mom, I almost felt God."

Unbuckling him, I said, "What do you mean, Seth?"

"I was really quiet and I almost felt God." He looked at me, with happy wide eyes. His tattered blanket in one chubby hand, a Wiggles figurine in the other.

"Did you feel peaceful Seth? Did you feel love?" I took a moment to look into his eyes, not pulling him out of the van just yet .

"Yeah." he said.

I smiled.

"Then you did it Seth. You did feel God. In the stillness."

I lifted him out onto the sidewalk and took his hand. As we walked up the little hill toward the school he said,

"Mom, God is kind of like a meditation."

He is four.

Seth started out the day with a cough. He went to preschool in the morning but it's become progressively worse as the day has gone on. During dinner, he asked to leave the table and shortly after he started throwing up.

All day long I was in a frenzy, but I finally found my stillness, in a dimly lit bedroom, rocking this precious little boy in my arms.

Clearly, I have much to learn from him, if I slow down and listen.

They're At it Again

I was about to go meditate, I swear....but then I got an e-mail about this:

I've mentioned before how Riley made huge improvments after her doctor prescribed methylated B12 injections. Prior to MB12 Riley screamed almost constantly. She was kicked out of preschool. I was ready to drive off the cliff. MB12 was by far the most dramatic intervention we've ever done for Riley. It helps her soooo much. She gets the injections every three days, at home, by her parents. A little numbing cream and she's good to go. She doesn't sweat it at all.

Now, access to MB12 and other compounded medications is being threatened.

Why? Because the drug companies can't get their grubby little paws on them to make a profit. You can't patent a vitamin. You can't patent a hormone. They can't touch it, so they want to make it illegal, forcing patients to use their drugs instead.

A small but powerful group of senators is on the verge of introducing legislation that would severely restrict and possibly deny access to critical medications that many patients rely on, not just the autism community. Bioidentical hormones which are helping so many women are threatened, and also drugs made for hospice patients and others.

MB12 is a natural, very effective therapy and Riley needs it. Please join me in contacting Congress to stop this legislation and protect patient access to compounded drugs! Visit http://www.savemymedicine.org/ to take action. All you have to do is click on "take action" and they write the letter for you.


For more info on MB12 visit http://www.drneubrander.com/pageHistory.html and watch some of the parent testimonial videos. See some of the progress that will be thwarted at the expense of Big Pharma greed and government corruption.

* I changed the title of this piece. It was too insulting to female dogs.

Enough Already

Each week, the exercises for vision therapy change. The first day is always brutal, and today was no exception. Simply breathing and coordinating body movements is excruciating if you have no clue where your body is in space, and if you hold your breath due to anxiety all the time.

Both kids cried and carried on. This, on top of the usual stress of getting ready for school. I managed to yell at each of them, insisting they swallow their feelings and just do it. It's a wobbly tightrope I walk, sometimes firm, sometimes yielding, never knowing if I'm getting it right?

All I wanted to do today was get them out of here. Off you go. Go to school. Leave me alone. I can't take it.

When I feel this way I stop really seeing my children. Walking around in my own head, I don't hear their requests til' the third time they say something.

"What?" I ask.

We are seriously considering a move to Ohio. A school for Riley. Too many details swirl around in my brain paralyzing me and I can't get anything done.

The house is a mess. Several repairs are needed before we could even think of selling it. I need to do laundry. What will I make for dinner? What will the urine test we sent to France turn up as far as toxic load? If this cat doesn't stop following me around meowing. I should look on realtor.com, I should call about preschools for Seth. I have to put a check in the mail to the kid's doctor, and on and on and on......and SHUT UP!!!!!!

I can't take it inside my own head today.

Meditation anyone?

Tonight's the Night!

Hot Toddy just sent me an e-mail.

The subject read...."Five more hours."

Conditions are perfect.

We'll put the kids to bed early.....

and hope to rekindle the magic.


It's the season premier of Dancing With the Stars!

Riley's Self Portrait

Check out the fancy glasses.

(She's even cuter in person).

Top Reseacher for HPV Vaccine Says Don't Give It To Young Girls

The lead reseracher for the new HPV vaccine, in an effort "to be able to sleep at night," has gone public, cautioning against mandating the vaccination for young girls. One can only imagine how much money the pharmaceutical companies stand to make from this little experiment on our daughters?

Larger news outlets no doubt have too much Big Pharma advertising revenue to run the story. This is from an Indiana daily:


LEBANON, N.H. — A lead researcher who spent 20 years developing the vaccine for humanpapilloma virus says the HPV vaccine is not for younger girls, and that it is "silly" for states to be mandating it for them.Not only that, she says it's not been tested for effectiveness in younger girls, and administering the vaccine to girls as young as 9 may not even protect them at all. And, in the worst-case scenario, instead of serving to reduce the numbers of cervical cancers within 25 years, such a vaccination crusade actually could cause the numbers to go up.

"Giving it to 11-year-olds is a great big public health experiment," said Diane M. Harper, who is a scientist, physician, professor and the director of the Gynecologic Cancer Prevention Research Group at the Norris Cotton Cancer Center at Dartmouth Medical School in New Hampshire."It is silly to mandate vaccination of 11- to 12-year-old girls There also is not enough evidence gathered on side effects to know that safety is not an issue."

Internationally recognized as a pioneer in the field, Harper has been studying HPV and a possible vaccine for several of the more than 100 strains of HPV for 20 years - most of her adult life.All of her trials have been with subjects ages 15 to 25. In her own practice, Harper believes the ideal way of administering the new vaccine is to offer it to women ages 18 and up. At the time of their first inoculation, they should be tested for the presence of HPV in their system.If the test comes back negative, then schedule the follow-up series of the three-part shots. But if it comes back positive?"Then we don't know squat, because medically we don't know how to respond to that," Harper said.

Harper is an independent researcher whose vaccine work is funded through Dartmouth in part by both Merck & Co. and GlaxoSmithKline, which means she is an employee of the university, not the drug companies.

To read the full article, visit Kim Stagliano's blog:

http://kimstagliano.blogspot.com/

Worth Mentioning

Over the last couple of days, Riley has not needed any assistance in the bathroom. She's wipin' her own behind. Those of you who don't have a kid with "issues" have no idea the kind of celebrating this calls for.

Yesterday she wanted pony tails. Today she wanted braids. She wants braids tomorrow too. Those of you who don't have a kid with "issues" have no idea what it's like to have a little girl, with gorgeous long hair, who has never let you put pigtails or braids in, because she is so sensory defensive she simply can't tolerate barrettes or elastics. More celebrating.

Today at school, her class got the news that one (out of six) of her classmates is gone. It is a custody thing, I believe. He was taken from the relative he'd been staying with all year and placed somewhere else in another state. The kids and teachers didn't get to say good-bye. The teacher's aide told me some of the kids cried when they heard the news (the teachers were wrecked over it). She usually responds to someone else's crying by screaming. She cannot tolerate negative or upsetting emotions. It completely overwhelms her.

Today, she tried to talk her friends through it, coming up with suggestions about writing him letters, and sending him videos. When that didn't work, she hiked her elastic waist pants up to her armpits and did a funny walk (no doubt copying some of Seth's clowny moves) around the classroom to make them laugh.

She's been such a joy lately. Truly.

Just wanted to mention it.

Driving With Dead People

I stayed up late the night before last, finishing Monica Holloway’s memoir Driving With Dead People. Holloway performs the delicate balance of making you laugh hysterically, as you read about her very tragic childhood. Not easy to pull off, but she does it seamlessly.

This book is so good. Once you start, it’s impossible to put it down. You love the girl Monica was and the woman she becomes.

Much is made about the cycle of abuse. Perpetrators were often abused themselves, obviously.

Not enough has been made about those of us who've dug ourselves out, with no history to guide us. We’ve decided no more. The cycle stops here.

Monica is just one, but she tells the story of every survivor. It is the triumph of the human spirit.

And it is Beautiful.

Autism Books

Today is the day! A Cup of Comfort For Parents of Children with Autism is released.

I have not finished reading the book yet. The stories are a bit overwhelming for me and I have to read it in small doses.

(Our story in on page 113).

Donna Williams, an autistic adult and author of the memoirs Nobody Nowhere and Somebody Somewhere refers to autistic people as cat people in a dog's world. I've borrowed this analogy and used it often when I'm trying to describe the best approach with Riley. Come at a cat the way you would a dog, and it might not go well. The book by Kathy Hoopmann (below) is great, but I wish it was worded "sometimes people with Asperger's......" because not all people with the diagnosis present the same exact way.

Lastly, the teaching assistant in Riley's class loaned me Rules today. I'm only 28 pages in, but so far it's great. It's written in the voice of a sibling of an autistic boy who makes a list of rules for her brother to help him navigate in the world. It is probably a good read for anyone who struggles in social situations, not just the autistic crowd.


Happy reading. :)

Now run out and pick up your Cup of Comfort.

Off you go!

XO

Love.

Black and White and Red All Over

Riley's teacher went to an Asperger's/Autism conference over the weekend. She told me of a young college student with Asperger's who gave a presentation. The student explained how confusing it was growing up.

Her mother would breeze through the kitchen, point to her and say,

"I want you to think about unloading that dishwasher."

Later, the mother would be furious to find the dishwasher still full.

But she hadn't been told to unload it. She was told to "think about it."

And she did.

Just as she was told.

And she didn't understand why her mom was always so mad at her.

Alma Rumball

Todd and I just watched an amazing documentary called The Alma Drawings (One of February's Spiritual Cinema Circle picks). It's about a Canadian artist, Alma Rumball, who took no ownership of her drawings, insisting they came through her but were not of her.

Rumball lived a very sheltered and secluded life. She was not well traveled, yet the art she created was filled with religious and spiritual symbolism beyond her conscious knowledge. Some thought she was insane.

The message I took away from the film was this: The world's artists are here to bring messages from the collective unconscious and beyond. There is so much we don't know, and perhaps art opens a portal into other levels of reality.

Who's to say? Perhaps Alma Rumball was more sane than any of us.


* To view Alma Rumball's art, click here.

Flying Monkeys

If Big Pharma is the wicked witch, drug reps are the flying monkeys. With every M.D.'s butt they smooch, they lose a little more of their soul. (No worries....I'm pretty sure they make a pill for that).

Run, run, run....

Money, money, money.....

Keep looking straight ahead.

You gotta feed your family too.


I spoke with a dear friend today. She works for a headhunter agency. They screen applicants for many professional positions including pharmaceutical drug reps. You'd be disgusted to read many of the flying monkey's "proudest professional moments" on their resumes.

I wined and dined and schmoozed and wore the doctor down until he finally agreed to use my drug, even though the generic drug he had been prescribing was working well, and cost much less for the patient.

Or, my personal favorite:

"I increased market share for Vioxx, even after all the bad publicity."

These are the things they put down on paper and are proud of.

We're definitely not in Kansas anymore.

Hot Toddyisms # 6 & 7

Better than a sharp stick in the eye.

Exp: "At this rate, it will only make us about $150.00 per year. Not much."

"Still, it's better than a sharp stick in the eye."

------------------------------

Not just a hat rack.

Exp: He does something brilliant and I say, "You're so smart."

He'll smile, point to his head, and say,

"Not just a hat rack."

The Four Agreements

From Don Miguel Ruiz's book of the same title.

1) Be impeccable with your word.

2) Don't take anything personally.

3) Don't make assumptions.

4) Always do your best.


Love.

I'm Back!

After a whirlwind tour of Ohio, I'm back safe & sound. I was again, checking out schools for the girl. Now we have some decisions to make. Hot Toddy did a great job with all the therapies and supplements and demanding care these two children require but the house is trashed (more than usual) and I might have to check him into rehab for "exhaustion."

My kids are cuter than ever when I get home from a trip. All lovey-dovey and "Where's my toy?"

It is good to be home.

More later.

XO

Imagine a Day When I Won't Have to Worry About Anyone Else's Poop?

Now that the kids are potty trained(mostly), perhaps it's time I started working with the felines? God knows it can't be any harder than teaching the children.

http://www.darynkagan.com/animals/stories/an_070213_pottytrainkitty.html

I might just order me a kit!

----

BTW, I'm off to OHIO for a couple of days. Hot Toddy will be holding the fort.

Not sure if I'll be posting from the road?

You'll miss me?

Oh...not nearly as much as I'll miss you.

XO

Again,Why Don't I Live in Portland?

Michelle Winner is in CA, but see left hand column.

http://www.socialthinking.com/

You Just Never Know

It was the student teacher's last day today and they were planning a little party. I was providing the special cupcakes(ones Riley can eat), so I drove her to school. Seth was home from preschool with a fever, so I dragged him along in his P.J.'s to drop off the girl and her goodies. Unbeknownst to us, today was also The Cat in the Hat's birthday and the school was celebrating. Upon entering the building, the entire office staff had cat faces painted on.

Riley has a very hard time with animated facial expressions. The sight of all the grown-ups she knows with their faces painted freaked her out. She started to escalate as we walked to her class and by the time we got inside she was panicked. The longer I stayed to try to calm her, the more upset she got anticipating my leaving. Her teacher picked her up and began trying to soothe her in the rocking chair. I knew her teacher (whom she loves and trusts) could handle it. Seth and I walked hand in hand down the long hallway and out of the building, closing the door on her screams behind us.

Something was different today though. I wasn't a wreck. I can't explain exactly how I came home and went about my day without worrying, but I did. Would my worrying make it any easier for Riley? Was this an opportunity for her to get through a crises without me?

This afternoon I parked in front of the school as usual. Riley hid behind the student teacher as they walked toward the van. As they got up close, a kitten stepped out from behind the student teacher. She had on Riley's pink coat, and Riley's hair, but she was all cat.

Riley got her face painted today for the first time in her life.

She wound up having a good time.

She was beaming.

So am I.

Gratitude

In the search to heal my child I have met so many amazing mothers. Yesterday, I talked on the phone for hours with a woman in California who's son is almost 7. He was diagnosed with autisim before he was two. His current teachers have no idea he was ever on the spectrum. She wanted to know about vision therapy, but the info she offered me was so much more than the two bits I had to offer her.

Everytime I come across one of these moms, I am opened up to new possibilties and hope. I am humbled by their knowledge of things I don't yet know. We all have little pieces to offer each other and together, our kids are getting well.

My heart swells with gratitude today for the angels I have met in the waiting room at the doctor's office, on the train, and on the internet, who have given me so much information, support, and hope.

Thank you. Each and every one of you.

Technical Difficulties

We are considering running ads on the site. Todd's been fiddling with things, and accidently lost my profile. It is stuck at the bottom of the blog and we can't get it back up to the top. Comcast has been randomly holding my e-mails hostage for a day or two so I am not always up to date with comments, but they get here eventually. My relationship with technology is like a bad boyfriend. You need them for certian things, you might even become a little addicted to them, but they sure aren't reliable.

Internet. Blogger. Even comast.

If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Let's work it out.

Please?