My hair sticks straight up with static as I take off yet another dress. Nothing fits. The lump in my throat gets bigger as each one is worse than the last. Standing in the fitting room in my bra and underwear I look at my middle and don't recognize this body. I've had a good run. For the last 15 years or so I've been mostly thin. (In my teens and early twenties my weight went up and down due to emotional eating). Now I've gained 10 pounds almost overnight; the result of an out-of-whack thyroid. Ten pounds when you're 5'2" is a lot.
I've been diligent about exercise but refuse to starve myself.
Coming home from shopping I look at HT and burst into tears.
"I don't know how to dress for this body!" I tell him.
He hugs me.
"I'm too young to have a post menopausal figure!" I cry.
He says, "You are beautiful."
I shrug him off.
I've been vacillating between wanting to be thin and wanting instead to love myself even if I'm not. I'm embarrassed by how much this self-image thing is affecting me. I thought I had it licked. Now I see I only had it licked, because I was where I wanted to be! Why do I see so many women, bigger than me, as absolutely gorgeous, but hold myself to some "skinnier" standard? It's sick.
"I wish Queen Latifah would come here and help me figure out how to dress like a big beautiful woman!"
Todd smiles and says, "Queen Latifah would laugh you out of the room and tell you her thigh is bigger than the likes of you."
Sometimes the guy knows just what to say.
*photo from allmoviephoto.com
17 comments:
He's right you know....
Love you.
Suzy
Do we all LOVE HT or what! Good for him for knowing the right thing to say and good for you for listening.
God, that HT is IT on a stick! Not only does he SAY the right things, I know he really, really means them, too. He's a keeper.
Little Thyroid will get herself settled down and you'll be back down to where you are more comfortable. In the meantime, "Big, blond and beautiful!"
I love that HT.
And I love YOU.
I don't think the Queen gives a rat's ass what SIZE anyone is. She'd tell you to wrap yourself in gorgeous color, wear stunning jewels and walk with pride and confidence.
Little Thyroid will get fixed. (Oprah just fixed hers) Your body will find its place.
Yes, he's right. I'm going through much of the same thing right now, Michelle. You'll get back in balance soon, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I've ordered clothes and gotten better results of clothing my body-I-don't-know-anymore than going into stores! Seriously. Acceptance, yes. Feeling good vs. being thin...yes!
I LOVE Queen Latifah...and HT!
Ever-thin'gonna be awright.
aw, that HT is a wonder man!!!
you know, i confess to the same exact thoughts and conflicts. oy. let's both get the queen over to set our asses straight, or flabby.
Let me join the"love HT" chorus. As Carrie says, he's IT on a stick.
So are you. All the time. All. the. time.
I like to use a quote from "The Santa Clause" where Tim Allen grabs two handfuls of his Santa Belly and says "Ain't a women alive that wouldn't like a piece of this."
Okay, I change the gender, and I don't quite have a Santa belly(yet), but it ALWAYS cheers me up.
I just watched MAD MONEY last night, and I thought Queen Latifah was equally as beautiful as both Diane Keaton and what's her name, you know the one married to Tom Cruise. It escapes me at the moment because since I turned 40 two years ago, names and other tidbits of information have vacated my brain.
I'm on a kick of watching HOW TO LOOK GOOD NAKED. LOVING IT. Wish I could love my body, too, so I understand the struggle!
Blessings to you.
Oh, I could have written this post! 5'2" and gained 30 pounds post baby. The dread. Don't have dresses, not one. No shorts either. I get your suffering, totally.
And...I really allowed myself to gain without torturing myself. I wanted to accept myself where I was, as you say. My mother and sisters have all suffered the same body image thing. So I wanted to get out from underneath that pattern.
Now I'm ready to get active and healthy...because I choose it, because I want it for myself, not out of shame or pain or to please anyone else. I want balance.
You know what? I embrace that we change as we age....it's just the way it is and isn't it so fascinating to watch it unfold?
Is there a way to embrace the image of balance for you, whatever that means and whatever that feeling ends up looking like?
You are beautiful through and through, that's for sure. What a beautiful thing that you have such an awesome man to reflect this back to you.
BTW...I tried to read this post out loud to a friend. Made me cry. Made her cry.
Darlin' just be comfortable in your own skin and the dresses will be a piece of cake!
I love the sound of your relationship - HT sounds just lovely (and I bet he was telling the truth).
Now see...that's EXACTLY the right thing to say.
Listen, I so GET this! (Do you remember my post way back, "Skin"?)
You speak such real, true feelings of so MANY of us, babe. It is such a complicated issue inside women. We WANT to feel love for ourselves no matter what size we are! We WANT to. She SHOULD. But the truth is that it is hard. It is hard to get used to a body you don't identify with. And it is hard to feel okay...
And you know what? The more middle I lose, the worse my streatch-marks are! And the saggy skin! It is the little joke on us after babies. (And lets not even speak of the boob-sacks.) ;)
"Love the one your with"? More like "Love the one your IN". You know?
Luckily, you are a wise, wise woman. And even if you have bumps in the road, you will roll and inside know you are love itself. I know that about you.
AND you snagged a good dude!
:)
I can hear her laughin at you girl!
But really, get those affirmations out of the closet: "I am beautiful, strong, wise and love" You know the drill. That negative talk is a vacuum and it increases the very dynamic you wish to cease. Wherever you focus your attention grows right, like your thyroid and your middle.I think you are BEAUTIFUL
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