Riley has a little friend that constantly invites herself over. In fact, she begs to come to our house. Every day. She does not get to come over every time, but not a day goes by that she doesn't ask.
Can I come over today?
Tomorrow?
On the weekend?
Then what about next weekend?
Pleeeease?
When she is at our house, she wants to eat.
Can I have a breakfast bar?
Some popcorn?
Some soup?
Some string cheese?
A brownie?
Bread and butter?
Another breakfast bar?
A cookie?
Can I have another?
Pleeeeaase?
Part of me wants to feed the child. Anything she wants. She's hungry. For something.
But part of me feels I am not serving her if I don't teach her it is impolite to invite herself over all the time and to eat your host out of house and home.
Part of me is just so damn glad someone wants to play with Riley. But I'm not so sure Riley's the draw, and that makes me just a little queasy.
She's a sweet girl.
Truly.
I don't know the answer.
Any suggestions?
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18 comments:
We have experienced that, too. I've found that those children who invite themselves over have found something in our home that they don't get in theirs. It's nothing nefarious, but whether I pay more attention to them or our rules are more relaxed, it seems to fit some need they have. My trick is to strike up a conversation or two with the parents in an effort to get them involved. Not in any overt way, but just things like, "I love the appetite on your daughter! She seems to really enjoy coming over to our house."
After someone visits our house for more than an hour, they get treated like family. So friends that arrive often or for extended visits get treated like my own children of that age (ok maybe a bit nicer ;)).
I think it is not only appropriate but necessary to educate and inform them of the house policies, no snacking, one snack after school, what ever you are comfortable with.
I find after I set the ground rules, then I don't mind the frequent visits, in fact I really enjoy having these extra kids around.
My rules can't be too bad, one of son's friend spent most of the summer with us.
You might have a vibe in your home the child can not get at home. She needs you.
Last night Miss G. had a big 5th grade presentation. 5 kids per classroom. Reviewer. Power points. Boards. Props. Public Speaking. (G. was able to introduce herself and her topic and the rest we had shot onto a little film.) Anyway, after the presentations the kids got hugs and kisses and high fives - except for one little boy - whose father did not smile during the boy's presentation and who pointed out all the child could have done better while the other parents were doling out congrats. I wanted to scoop the boy up and take him home. And slap his pudgy little Dad. You just don't know what the other household is like. But I'll bet you'll find out.
I agree about having rules. That could solve part of it. Do you know her parents? You would probably find out a lot by just talking to them, not necessarily about what she is doing.
My next door neighbor had that same thing happen, but once she laid down rules for after school visits, it got better. They have a pool so you know what a draw that was in the spring/summer.
Bless her heart - something's going on at home, who knows what? Does Riley like having her there so much?
One thing is for sure, there is something definitely missing in that child's life.
Maybe you could make a list for yourself to clarify in your own mind what rules you'd be comfy with. You could start out making the prefect list and then see what you're prepared to compromise on, and what you're not.
Good luck with your little hungry visitor!
We have that problem as well only it's a little boy instead of a little girl who always wants to come over. He's a sweet boy, but he is here ALL of the time. And because of that fact I started to feel like he was my adopted child. So, my attitude was if was at my house that often, then I got to parent him as if he were my own. And I did. And then I got the irate call from this little boy's parents in which they complained about me disciplining their child. (I sent him home one day when he couldn't follow some of the rules.) I explained to them my philosophy.
So as a result of this conversation did their son stop coming over? Nope. They have 5 kids, and he's number 5. Apparently their need to have him come over and be parented by me outweighed their need to not have their child be disciplined by me.
Looks like you're getting good advice. I like the rule thing, and checking in with Riley on how much she wants the kid around.
My daughter is very social and also emotionally needy, having been abandoned as a baby, before we adopted her. She is like your little visitor, ALWAYS wanting to go play with the neighbors, wanting play dates EVERY DAY. In her case, the other child(ren) is(are) absolutely the draw. As her mom, I walk a fine line between wanting to allow her to get her friendship needs met as best she can and also teaching appropriate social behavior.
We tell her you can have play dates, but not every day. And the mother of our neighbor girl across the street has the rules of "no play dates until after homework" and "no play dates until after our kids have had a snack and a little bit of quiet time at home first." Those rules, collectively, work pretty well for us.
Maybe just draw boundaries related to what time the child can come over, for how long, and under what conditions (say, after she's had a snack at home?).
Heck, if I lived in your town, I'd want to come over for play dates every day, too!
Good luck!
xoxoxo
S.
Isn't it nice that a child wants to spend time with you and your family. But it is not so nice if it makes you crazy.
To echo all the other comments, make sure all concerned know the rules, ask Riley if she is okay with the visits, etc. etc. It's your house--you get to be happy.
By the way, thanks for the wish of good luck. My scan was negative, so I am cancer free today.
Cancer free! Woo-hoo! Congrats!
I am loving what Middle Aged Southerner said, "It's your house, you get to be happy." What a concept! I'm going to write that on a poster board and hang it in the middle of my house!
I know Carrie, Middle Aged Southerners are so smart!
gee. what do i know? no one comes over here. but if they did, i'd feed 'em. feed 'em and usher them into the playroom.
Everyone else already gave you my advice, so I'll just echo...
Check with Riley. If the child is coming to play with Riley, then make sure that that is what Riley wants.
If Riley is having fun, then you you get to make the rules as to how and when those "play dates" will happen. And when the child is over, YOUR house rules apply to her as well.
I used to worry that my children's friends wouldn't like me if I didn't let them eat me out of house and home or side with them in a disagreement, and then that they wouldn't like my children because of me. I finally got over that and started treating them like my own. The kids that come to visit know that if they get whiney and upset because things didn't go their way, they can either choose to work things out or go home -- no skin off my nose nor off the noses of my children. Now I have more kids coming over than ever.
Bottom line is, yup you've heard it before...it's your house, you get to be happy.
That little girl breaks my heart....
Been there I am sure. Done that, I am sure.
Love you,
Suzy
Perhaps you are providing this girl with things that are missing at home.....and as you know from your own childhood, it's not her fault that she is left wanting and perhaps not having her needs met. I had great friends when I was young and their parents were great too. They hugged me, told me I was someone and they fed me and tried to make up for some of what was missing at my house, all without me knowing.
Could this be part of it?
:)LO
I bet if you limit her to one snack because that is your rule, she will still want to be there all of the time. I 'lived' at my best friends house from the age of 8 to 13. Although I appreciated the food, it was the feeling of belonging, family , that existed there and not in my home that kept me there.
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