n of me in a jail cell, lying on a bare cot. I don't know what I did, but I knew she was dead, at my hands, and the predominant emotion I felt was not remorse, but relief. Relief for her to be out of her misery. Relief that my husband and infant son now had a chance at a happier, healthier, life. I didn't give a damn about what happened to me anymore.That little flash scared me. My daughter's behavior was insane. I was at my limit. We were in serious trouble, and we needed to figure out what was wrong.
Before we started bio-med therapies, I had no idea the child who had become my nightmare would one day again be my joy, but she is. She is my joy! She has been steadily recovering and she feels better. Because she feels better, who she really is can shine. Who she really is, is the most loving, gentle, sweet, innocent, pure, tender-hearted person you can imagine. Who she really is was not visible when her body was polluted and she felt lousy.
Riley is one of many children recovering to varying degrees, from autism.
Baxter, (the handsome little guy in the photo above) is one who has gone all the way. I don't know his mom, and don't know if she ever went through such a "dark night of the soul," but I suspect, most parents of kids on the spectrum have had their desperate moments.
This is for any parent who is in that place now.
Watch Baxter here.
Take strength in his story.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
19 comments:
The creator of Baxter's movie sent me the link to your blog. Thank you so much for sharing his story of hope! I am often dismayed to read and hear of "professionals" saying his story instills FALSE HOPE for parents. It always makes me internally question; but FALSE PESSIMISM is acceptable? Why is ok for a "professional" to tell me he may never talk or be potty trained? Why arent' they chastied for their incorrect crystal ball view? I think RESPONSIBLE HOPE is what many of parents of children with autism need. And yes, I had many dark days. Days of sadness. Days of regret. Days and nights of fear. Its because of his progress and those hard days and nights that we share his story for others. Thank you so much for caring. Best wishes for continued health and happiness for your daughter.
Sincerely,
Julia
Baxter's mom
Wow. What an impressive family. Nice link.
We are in the thick of it now, Michelle, with really awful symptoms, not knowing if we are now going backwards...I know the video of Baxter; I think it was his mom that got me to DAN! info to begin with. I must stay positive and I need to hear these stories. I thank you for your honesty because so many of us think that if we just died we could get some rest. A dark thought indeed, but so common. All we want is relief for our son and ourselves.
Actually 40% of all autistic children with speech delays end up talking fluently with any kind of good early intervention. Only 14% do not talk by age 9 and some of those are wrongly labeled as mentally retarded.
PS
Your post made me kind of sad.
What if your joy read what you wrote? Wouldn't it hurt her feelings?
Iportion,
My child was very verbal from the start. Never lost speech, AND she benefited tremendously from bio-med.
We did tons of interventions but our lives went from crises to the opposite, very quickly with the use of methyl B-12
and carefully monitored chelation.
She used to scream all day, every day. Perhaps there are other parents, better than us, who can deal with that for months and years on end, but we were hanging on by a thread.
I hope by sharing my truth, I will empower other parents to get help if they need it and empower my daughter to get help when she needs it, rather than pretend not to feel what she really feels and then explode at a later date.
I hope Riley will be proud of how hard she AND her parents worked to help her feel better. Every family has to make choices for themselves, and I don’t judge other parents who do it differently, but we will never sugar coat the reality of autism as we experience it.
Our daughter knows our absolute love for her, and our gratitude to her for all she has given us,(from the worst of times came the best of times and we owe it to her).
We’ve got nothing to defend and nothing to hide.
Kathryn,
this is a brand new video. Just placed online a few days ago.
iportion..I often try to implore everyone's experience with autism is different. While you may disagree with how someone else manages their child's autism ... talking about hope and better health and improvement IS an option. And one many feel good about.
I just came back from a conference where a fellow mom of a child that responded very well to biomed and traditional therapies asked his mother... (this is paraphrased) "would my life or I have been different if I didnt have autism.?" His astute mother said he was still the same guy inside...do YOU think your life would've been different without autism? would you change it? His reply? He wouldnt. he said he knew how it felt to be made fun of for being different and that maybe autism taught him how bad that felt, and THAT made him a better person. A lesson he would never want to undo.
We, that want to recover our kids don't want to CHANGE them. As per the beauty of this story above. We want them happy and healthy and out of pain, and just simply who they are...to the best of their ability. No different dream for any other parent of an NT kid or otherwise.
warmly with kind regard
Julia
Add me to the group who have had to walk away for a moment to find a quiet place and scream my head off about hating effing Autism while holding an imaginary gun to my head. No, it's not like that anymore, thank God, but I won't pretend dealing with Hutton's Autism has been a walk in the park, full of pleasantness at every moment. I have never done the following: "Oh look, Sweetie, you took off your diaper, and smeared poop everywhere! I'm learning so much about accepting differences as I clean this disgusting mess up!" No, that was one of the moments where I went into the garage to scream and hit things for a few minutes, then went back inside to clean up a mess. (This reminds me how thankful I am that Hutton is fully potty trained now. Hallelujah!) It's the notion that Hutton can recover that keeps me going, and considering how much of a cynical pessimist I am about everything else, that says a lot about the "false hope" that I have.
So happy for you, Riley, and your family :-)
Thank you
I just disagree with what we say around disabled children not that people don't have the right to be frustrated with schools or your children's pain
it's just I've seen people never get past it even though their child is emerging but they just can't see it.
I have a slight cognitive delay not autism but I was verbally abused by a lot of people in my life even though I am kind but clumsy person. I know how words can have a lasting effect on people.
The 40% was supposed to mean the people who tell evertyone there is no hope but there is. I like to think of it as emerging not being cured or fixed.
My "joy" knows that there were many times I thought the men in white coats were coming for me with a straight jacket. We laugh about that now. Humor = tragedy plus time.
Humor plus love = one helluva parent.
From one helluva parent to another.
Before I read the comments I just wanted to thank you so dearly for articulating the truth of your experience. I want to know more, in detail, about that journey and where it took you.
After reading the comments, I want to know it even more.
Thank you for your strong spirit, your tender love and how all the 'crisis' moves through your will to express what's real.
Michelle, my friend Julia says, "Thank you."
You are so cool.
And I fear more for the kids who find out their parents did nothing but ridicule other parents who took charge while allowing their own children to remain at the status quo. Don't you? Can you imagine being a bright child with ASD and learning there were treatments but your Mom and Dad refused to even acknowledge them? Tragic.
KIM
Thanks for clearing that up Iportion, you do have a different perspective coming from personal experience.
We're all just doing what we think is right. Just doing our best.
Hi, iportion - I also think your clarification is really helpful. Thank you for helping me to understand too.
Best,
Kim
michelle - my son was traumatized by his dad's sudden and complete disappearance from his life. it was an ugly divorce and my ex is a terrible human being.
for years after my son had fits of rage and sadness. I went from place to place looking for help for him and me. this was 20+ years ago and the overall feeling was punish him, control him. I was always made to feel (but I refused!) that I was a bad parent for wanting him to speak his feelings and to get better. Sometimes I needed to vent and I'll never forget when a "friend" told me that "maybe you're both crazy"
I admire your ability to share your feelings.
Glad to learn the end of the tunnel is drawing ever so near. The best to you all.
Sometimes it feels as though this tunnel is spinning so fast that I don't know which way to walk to get to that light :)
I know that Adam' body is getting better. I know that his body does indeed need to get better, and that as it does he will emerge.
iportion you are a gentle soul. Thank you for caring about our kid's hearts.
I also ask why is FALSE PESSIMISM acceptable.
No one normal wants their children in pain which is why most Autistic children scream.
I like the word emergence, emerging from the pain, but I can't judge parents or child's pain.
Hi.
Thanks to all the viewers of this short documentary. Unfortunately the server couldn't handle all that traffic.
So to the people that weren't able to see it: The site is up again!
http://www.wakingupbaxter.com
Thanks :-)
Karim
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