She had a hard day at school, and then, before bed, when she took way too long in the bathroom, I got frustrated with her. I hurried her along, sighed, and rolled my eyes. That little bit, devastated her.
Another time, I was mad. She cowered away from me, saying, "I'm afraid you're going to hit me or say mean things!"
I responded, "Riley, when do I ever hit you?"
"You don't."
"And when do I say mean things?"
She whimpered, "One time you told me.... to.... shut my mouth."
One time.
The self loathing is thick here. It feels like there is no room for error.
She is a teacher of unconditional love.
I used to think that meant, unconditional love for her, despite her "difference." And I do love my girl. But sometimes I'm tired. Sometimes I just don't have much patience.
What I'm starting to understand is that the real work is unconditional self love, even though I'm not perfect, and even though I can't make everything okay for this child I love so much.
It looks like a giant mountain from where I stand. My imperfections contribute to her pain.
And before you tell me I need to get over it, consider whether your eight year old has ever seriously expressed wishing they were never born.
Little love, thank you for existing. Together we go up the mountain, one step at a time. Because of you I've seen glimpses of the top, and it is beautiful.
11 comments:
"My imperfections contribute to her pain. "
Oh God how I can relate. The thing is it IS FRUSTRATING and Michelle I can't tell you how many times I feel I'm the worst person in the world for not having more of anything for Liberty (patience, tolerance, not raising my voice, etc).
I feel terrible about it all of the time. Riley says what my boy can't but I know he feels it. Oh yes, I can see it in his eyes.
Thanks for sharing this.
Michelle you voice the unspoken words of every parent of autistic kids I have met. My Gran said "It's a grand life if you don't weaken" but sometimes I just feel like crumbling in to a little pile. I so want to take away the hurt my girls feel and I know how ever hard I try I just can't
perhaps you'd consider jumping on the bandwagon?? or at least buying the t-shirt?
http://jesswilson.wordpress.com/2008/09/10/calling-for-a-moratorium/
Thanks Jess!
Count
me
in.
As a matter of fact, one of my children has expressed the wish he'd never been born.
And I know how easy it is to feel totally inadequate to the task the universe assigned you. The only answer I ever came up with was to learn the lessons of the bad days and forget the events themselves and to save up the good moments.
Oh, and in dark moments, I sifted through my memories of the good ones like a miner panning for gold.
Miss M has said those very words to me, too.
Ask for strength.
That's all I've got.
Oh yes, this too:
Love.
Self love, the final frontier.
"What I'm starting to understand is that the real work is unconditional self love"---
hi. this part is hard.
I get this post more than you know. :(
:)
Such a poignant and painful and love-filled post. Your daughter's words touch me deeply because she is so clearly loved and also because I have spent much of my life - probably still - feeling like I have no right to exist. What is beautiful is that she is able to articulate that feeling to you - that she is safe enough and wise enough to even know she sometimes feels it. Took me 40 years and I didn't come from people healthy enough to care or understand or empathize. You are doing a great job... and she is one awesome kid.
What strikes me here is the open conversation, Michelle. Not to minimize your perception, just to add my sense that if she truly felt self-loathing, she would not be able to stay in relationship around it. It's absolutely incredible that she is that in touch with herself that she can articulate, with deep emotion, how she feels. That she shares it with you!
I've said a million times about my own existential angst at a young age, that the saving grace would have been a mother who could have stayed connected with me, regardless of her own struggle.
You always make me pause....you two are doing great work together.
I am amazed over and over again at your capacity for learning from everyone around you - children, adults, books, music, animals....
You are a wonder, Michelle. Thank you.
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