I should be further along.
I've been on this spiritual quest for a long time, and still I screw up left and right.
Still, I am unhappy.
Still, I let things get to me.
Still, I don't have patience with my kids.
Still, I resist my life.
The teachings of Abraham say once you start to become more conscious, your stream begins moving really fast. And when you hit a boulder in a stream at 100 miles an hour, it hurts more than if you were just slugging along, low grade misery, hitting that same boulder at 25mph.
Discordant vibration starts to be intolerable.
I bought Riley a latch hook kit. I thought it would be good for helping her fine motor skills, and I thought she would enjoy it. I loved those as a kid. Two strings in, she freaked. Seth was able to do it better, and she got on a continuous loop of, "I'm stupid! I can't do it! I quit!"
Scooping up the whole kit off the kitchen table I marched it over to the garbage, threw it in, and yelled, "This is what I think of quitters!"
Seth burst into tears and ran out of the room.
Why do I ever try to do anything fun with her? So often, it backfires.
Why do I lose it, when I know she can't help it?
Why can't I go live on a mountain by myself someplace, where my actions won't hurt others?
Why do I feel like I'm stupid. I can't do it. I quit.
Up in my attic office, the orange leaves out my window are being pushed hard by the cold wind. It's raining and they cling for dear life. The branches are knocked back again and again by strong gusts.
Some of the trees are completely bare now.
I think of the ant parable. If an ant walked by a tree in winter, he, with his short lifespan would mistakenly think the tree was dead. He wouldn't see the big picture. He wouldn't know about the spring.
There is a bigger picture here as well. I can't see it right now, but I am willing to.
Over and over,
I am willing.
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16 comments:
Oh Michele. So real and so honest and so darn human! You, I, we try to be more than that but human we are. Your love always prevails and your children are blessed.
"Discordant vibration starts to be intolerable"...
Hmmmm. Man, yes. I get that So.Much...
You are a beautiful, authentic, wise and loving mom.
And you are not perfect.
Sucks, huh?
:)
If it makes you feel any better Michelle, I've been having a week like that.
Some feeling tries to surface and I push it down, push it down. I've eaten enough junk food in the last week it really scares me.
But I understand that the energy that I'm trying to suppress is becoming intolerable. It's time to break loose.
Everything is breaking loose.
I will be free and so will you my dear friend, so will you.
The "damage" we have done is not irreparable. All is being healed - right now.
Hug and Love,
X
I am so sorry you hit this boulder going so fast. Rest assured that Riley will be okay and you will, too. Color yourself human and live to fight another day.
Sending love.
Interesting to see you and your daughter having the same reaction to the hard, overwhelming stuff. Hang in there girl. Two steps forward, one step back, but in the big picture...always forward. Right? That's what I keep telling myself.
Thanks Nancy & Amber. This came after a particularly challenging day,in which I thought I'd handled things smashingly. That's why it was such a shock when I lost my cool.
The challenging day should have been an indicator not to start a new challenging thing for her.
You'd think I'd learn.
Apologies were made and tears were shed and discussions about us both not having to be "perfect" were had.
It's a new day.
Michelle, my cool is actually on the side of milk carton I've lost it so often. Every parent should teach her child not to quit. And you did that. I taught my children to not be pigs by eating all their Halloween candy.
Do not be so tough on yourself. You are not your parents. You are not your parents. You are not your parents. You are not your parents.
Parenthood is not a quest for perfection. You and Todd are head and shoulders above most parents. From this I know.
K
Thanks Xanthe, Kari & Kelly. And thanks Kim for making me laugh!!!
Having a "perfect" parent would really make Riley feel inept. Instead she's just going to have to deal with the mom she has, the one who is flawed, who loves her immensely and who never ever gives up on her - even if there are occasional fireworks. Besos!
You are not an ant, Michelle. You see the big picture. And you love your daughter like the ocean tide: one wave after another after another, without end. Amen.
Imperfect humans doing our imperfect best. Seems to be the theme of the day.
And the reason you don't learn about "fun" activities? Hope. Don't forsake that hope, my friend. Yes, it will lead you to moments like this. But it also leads you to progress. Riley has so much today that she would not if you did not have hope.
Love.
Oh Michelle, I've been down that road so many, many times. -I- think that I have finally figured out what is stopping Salamander from mastering certain skills, I try to implement what -I- think is a fun way to work on a few things, and BOOM it blows up in my face. My mistake with Salamander, that I keep making? I don't make him part of the process, I don't solicit his input, I don't let HIM be the one to guide the activities. Instead I try to force my 'NT' interpretation on his, most definitely NOT NT, perceptions.
I'm learning, I'm learning... but oh it's slow going..
Hang in there, the fact that you all talked afterwards, that apologies were made, that your cried together is HUGE. You are all learning together, and the differences you are making in Riley's (and Seth's too) life cannot even be articulated. But trust me, they will be enormous.
HUGS..
ow. So sorry to hear about tough times. And they happen.
Guess that's why they call it a "spiritual path" and not a "spiritual destination."
You know why it hurts so much? Because you love her so much and you want to share so much. If it didn't hurt you wouldn't be doing it right.
Anyway, how is Riley supposed to learn about emotion if you never show what you feel? And how will she know you feel the way she does and she is not alone unless you share? You see? You're doing it right and you're the best ever for it.
(This from a mum who has been known to totally lose it and close the door between her and children to prevent serious damage, all the time muttering "Pick a window child!" In other words I completely understand you.)
love. emphasis on the period. I personally think that by "screwing up" in front of your kids and later apologizing, you are doing them a WORLD OF GOOD!
Oh my God. I have a child on the spectrum, too. Michele, how COULD you be patient and loving all the time? It is hard, it is frustrating.
For me, I want to share the things I loved as a child, and she is not the same kid. Everything is a struggle for her.
My daughter is a great teacher; perhaps the greatest I've ever had.
Your willingness to learn is everything.
Beautiful post and answered my question about Abraham that I asked in my comment above. Sorry.
I think you are doing splendidly. Thing is we are all human.
I wonder if it wasn't your inner child who was disappointed that the expectation of what to you/her was a magical gift. I get so excited about things I do - or try to do - for my nieces and my nephew. I was so much for them to FEEL MY LOVE - and when they don't react as I wish they would or think they should, I get so disappointed. It's so darn complicated to be human. You are aware. Even when you have those moments. You OWN them and atone for them. That's what heals them... not just for you but for your kids. Boy, I'm long-winded tonight. My apologies.
I love your honesty. It is pure and beautiful and full of love. Your children are lucky.
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