I beg you please teach your children compassion for kids on the spectrum and how 'bout some manners too

A little first grade girl came up to me on the playground after school today,(along with her second grade brother who is in Riley's class). She pointed to Riley and said,

"We don't like her. She's always crying. She's a crybaby."

Riley had been blissfully swinging, but the color immediately drained from her face. She of course, began to cry.

What was I supposed to say?

How do I explain to these kids what the deal is with Riley when I barely understand it myself sometimes?

What can I possibly say? When her crying sometimes gets on my last nerve too? Fact is, this little guy spends more hours a day with her than I do. How is he supposed to process her outbursts?

"That wasn't a nice thing to say. She's doing her best. She has a hard time. You hurt her feelings."

It was all I could muster as I held my little girl in my arms and absorbed her cries.

"I'm not a crybaby." She whimpered.

"I know." I said, kissing her head.

"I know you're not."

Brave Children

I was over at Kathryn's blog yesterday....seeing what she was up to, and she'd posted a beautiful video about a boy who is recovering from autism. His name is Edward.

Then, I was perusing Pat Wood's blog. She wrote the wonderful novel Lottery. Have you read it? It's fantastic. Anyway....there was a post about a little girl named Ella. To die for!


Two very different kids.


Each stunningly brave in their own way.


One lives in a world that is "too much" for him.


One climbs to the top of the wind.


May each inspire you today to do something brave.


Love.

The Baby Bonding Book for Dads

One of my favorite parts of being a post-partum/newborn nurse was giving the babies their first baths, specifically, running new dads through the procedure. Many rookie fathers have little experience with babies and are terrified of physically handling their newborns, so I'd be careful not to be too delicate.

More than one dad asked me, "Can I touch him?"

"Of course you can. He's yours." I'd say, handing over the sponge.

By the end of the bath, if I flopped their babies around enough, most dads were convinced the little things were quite sturdy and pliable, despite being teeny tiny. All flopping aside, helping these fathers connect with their babies felt like sacred work to me.

Seems James di Properzio and Jennifer Margulis had the same goal in mind when they wrote The Baby Bonding Book for Dads. It's chock full of tips on how to help men feel more at ease with their little ones. Most parenting books are fear based and lean toward "what not to do." This book is different. It encourages "baby wrestling," and singing a modified version of "Super Freak" during diaper changes,

"She's a very stinky girl...."

While the book is written with great humor, it's also poignant. An example being the section where the author writes a few paragraphs to his unborn baby while his wife sleeps. Excuse me, I'm a bit verklempt. Tawk amongst yourselves......

If you know any new or expecting daddies out there, this would be the perfect book for Father's Day. And for seasoned dads, it might be a beautiful stroll down memory lane.

Three cheers for good fathers!

May you never underestimate your value to your children.

* adorable photos in The Baby Bonding Book for Dads by Christopher Briscoe. Warning...they may make you want to reproduce.

I'm not having any more babies.

I'm not having any more babies.

I'm not having any more babies.

Say it with me......

My Child Suffers

Every day.

I'm angry, and sick of it.

Ask a Blogger

My latest Ask a Blogger column is up at the Mad as Hell Club. Come read about spouse's rights, increasing traffic and blogging faux pas.

BTW, what's been your biggest blogging faux pas?

I'm dying to know. Be anonymous if you like.

: )

And while you're over there, read this guy's post. And don't forget to wave.

Benefit of the Doubt

The kids on our street walk to school. Most mornings, we hook up with one of Riley's classmates and her little sister. Their mom works, so sometimes the nanny is with them. Sometimes an elderly neighbor walks the girls, and sometimes another mother who lives on our street accompanies them along with her own daughter. She's dressed for business and is obviously dropping the girls off before heading to work.

It's this mom that pisses me off.


When Riley sees them coming from the opposite direction, her and Seth run to catch up. When these sweet little girls stop to wait for Riley, this woman gets visibly annoyed. She marches ahead of her charges, forcing her daughter keep step with her and the two of them keep walking ahead of the rest of us. The children jabber as we walk another block and a half to school, and this woman does not make eye contact with me. Has not yet introduced herself. Here I am...walking and talking with the two she is supposedly taking to school. Here I am, new resident only lived here a month and she can't be bothered to say hello? Here I am, with the cutest, sweetest little kids in the world, and she does not even acknowledge them? Second time in a week with this crap.


Who the hell does she think she is?


I suppose because she's off to her real job, she's more important than some stay at home mom in sweats?


I'm sure she's just soooooo busy.


Or maybe she has something against my special needs kid?


Or maybe she's just rude to everyone?


I walk along, silently fuming.


Looking up, the sky is beautiful and blue through the branches in the trees.


Looking down, Seth's thick little hand holds my left. Riley's delicate one holds my right.

Riley.

Riley.


Step. Step. Step.


Breathe.


Breathe.


Breathe.



Sigh.



Or maybe, just maybe.....the woman walking ahead of me with the poor social skills has Asperger's.

Young @ Heart

The movie.

Click here for showtimes and tickets.

What Not to Do

I spoke with the grandfather of a young child with autism yesterday. They'd been to the Cleveland Clinic for an evaluation and he said while there, they received a packet warning them of the "unproven" various bio-med therapies they SHOULD NOT try.

The family had no idea there were such things as chelation, methyl-b12, anti-virals, hyperbaric oxygen, etc. They didn't know about the GF/CF diet.

They used the guide and googled all the forbidden therapies.

The morning after this child's second MB12 shot, his mother woke him up for school and he rolled over and said,

"Good morning Mommy."

They were the first words he'd ever spoken, to anyone.

* Correction. I spoke to the grandfather again today to make sure I had my story straight. Did I hear that right? Actually, it was the morning after the child's first MB12 shot that he spoke, not his second one.

Life Before Death

Have you ever seen a portrait of a dead person?

When you are in the presence of a mortician, (one of the participants at the writing workshop was one)the subject of death is going to come up. Which led to another participant mentioning this website.

It's a photo gallery of terminally ill people, who gave their permission to be professionally photographed before and after their deaths.

The contrast between the light in a person's eyes, and the look of death...is unmistakable. The life force, that thing that makes us human...is gone.

The body is still beautiful.

But very much not alive.

Poignant narratives accompany the portraits. One woman laments she's just bought a new freezer. Another is pissed she worked hard all her life to get to retirement, but would not be able to reap the rewards. Another said having a terminal illness felt like she was being "rejected by life itself."

How often do we take a moment, to sit with ourselves and feel our physical life?

It's right there in us,

as steady as it is undefinable,

until

in one moment,

it isn't.

Love Letter

Dearest Blog,

Even if other people at writing workshops think their blogs are time suckers and energy drains, and even if they abandoned their own blogs....please know that it's different for us.

You are a joy to me and I have no intention of giving you up.

Love,

Michelle

Workshop

There was a beautiful unfolding over the weekend at the Writing Life workshop taught by Jennifer Lauck. A vibrant circle of women, (and one man), joined forces and created something that had never come before it and will never come again. Some gems from Cleveland took part and students arrived from as far as Pittsburgh, Georgia, and Toronto. Writers,poets, mothers, seekers, and even a mortician joined us!

If there is one thing Jennifer does, it's cut to the chase. Within 24 hours this group of strangers were intimate friends and sources of mutual support. A space was made in our hearts for future projects. Two new ideas popped out of my own psyche, and another one I'd been kicking around became more clear.

One of the participants could understand English but she could not write in it. She read her work in Spanish and though most of us did not speak the language Jennifer requested we still give her feedback. Just two or three words based on what we felt as she read. Out of our heads, into our hearts. Listening to the music of this woman's voice, her gift to us...our feedback striking a deep chord within her...it was an experience I won't soon forget.

The weekend was beautiful. Jennifer is a teacher to her core. I wish everyone reading this a circle where they feel safe, expressing the truth within their heart.

Thank you Jennifer.

Thank you Writing.

A Couple of Things.....

- Author Jennifer Lauck arrives here tonight and I am off to take part in her Writing Life workshop. I was one of her first students, and it is always an adventure to be in Jennifer's presence. The workshop is full, but those of you in Cleveland might want to drop by the Barnes & Noble in Beechwood Sunday evening. She'll be doing a reading/book signing there.

-Also check out this beautiful "life is a train ride" parable.

-Have a great weekend y'all! Thanks for riding this train with me!

Autism Yesterday

The movie.

Brother Seth

Kids are sick this week. Seth was up all night coughing.

He spent today vomiting.

Riley merely has a runny nose but she stayed home from school too. A drippy nose can rock her world as much as the flu rocks Seth's.

Despite her nose, she did help me today. Kept grabbing new towels every time he threw up.

She rubbed Seth's head.

She sang to the tune of Frère Jacques.

Did you throw up?
Did you throw up?
Brother Seth?
Brother Seth?
Sorry you don't feel good.
Sorry you don't feel good.
Brother Seth.
Brother Seth.

Okay, maybe that wasn't so helpful in the moment, but it's cute upon retrospect.

Both are fast asleep right now.

Tomorrow's another day.

May they be well.

The Diet Synthesizer

If you are interested in learning about nutrition and how it relates to autism and other neurological conditions, you won't want to miss Vicki's radio show on Monday.

It astonishes me that even today in the midst of this epidemic, many medical doctors poo-poo dietary interventions but will heap on the prozac no questions asked. In fact, the only intervention mainstream medicine offered for Riley when she was three was to put her on psychotropic drugs. True, there were no studies on the success of dietary interventions, but there were no studies on the safety of prozac on the developing brain of the toddler either.

Shouldn't the least intervention possible be the first one tried?

Okay, I'm going to be firm here.

There is really no good excuse for not trying GF/CF if you have a kid on the spectrum. No good excuse for not eliminating the food dye. The preservatives, the junk. A big piece of this puzzle is these kids are not able to eliminate toxins efficiently. I could get into the methylation cycle and oxidative stress but I don't want to imagine all those eyes glazing over, all those red X's being clicked. Let's just say the last thing kids on the spectrum need,is to be dealing with more crap in their systems piled on by dear old mom and dad and well meaning relatives.

I'm not saying anyone has to do it forever, but why not try? If it has the potential to help your kid and it won't harm them? Try.

And don't even whine to me about the money. What does one trip to McDonalds for a family of four cost? I could feed our family for a week on GF/CF for that amount. Easily.

I'm not saying it isn't challenging to totally revamp your diet. (Though with all the resources available today it isn't that bad). I'm not saying you won't have to stand your ground with teachers and relatives who scoff at you. You will.

I'm just saying tough. Be a grown up.

I'm just saying try.

* Hear Julie Matthews a Certified Nutrition Consultant specializing in Autism Spectrum Disorder, and affiliated with DAN! live on Monday at 12:00 PST on KKNW am 1150 in San Fransisco. It can also be streamed live on the net via I-Tunes/Windows media player at http://66.192.178.196:7750/listen.pls.

They also load the podcast on http://www.conversationslive.net/ following the show so people can listen in anytime.

** We did the Specific Carb Diet for almost two years and are now living with no restrictions, though we try to keep it healthy. Most of the time.

The Invitation

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's
longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring
your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your
own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see
Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

* Poem read at Janet's wedding by my sister Kelli.

We're Out There Jerry, and We're Lovin' Every Minute of It!

My friend Janet got married over the weekend. In a castle. Renaissance style.

Below is the bride, my sister Kelli in the red shawl, and your struly. I was going to correct that last line, but I'm tired, and "your struly" has a bit of a ring to it, no?



My mom and her husband.

Me & Hot Toddy.

Here, I thought some crafty cropping

might have a slimming effect.

Below is my beautiful niece Lauren. She does not

need a slimming effect.

A sweaty bride and groom after dancing up a storm.

Did someone say dancing?

We did our "collapsing hug and drag" ala DWTS, but only once. We wouldn't want to draw too much attention to ourselves or anything.

It was our first overnight away from the kids. Unless you count that time four years ago when we went to The Option Institute to get our heads on straight following Riley's initial diagnosis when she was three.

Todd's parents took good care of the kiddos.

"Are Grammy and Grampy spoiling you?" I asked.

Riley replied, "Does spoiling mean loving you up?"

Riley and Seth got to see lots of cousins.

Here's Ms. Riley playing the drums in my brother's basement. (We will not be getting a set).

Sensitive ears, schmensitive ears.

Life is good.

Love,

Your Struly

-

P.S. Despite the Seinfeld reference in the title, HT did not go commando.

Look What's Being Planned for Riley's Birthday!

Don't know if I will go. Love the concept of "Green the Vaccines." LOVE DC! And I LOVE Jenny McCarthy!!! But I do not love the idea of missing Riley's 8th birthday, and this is something that would be too much sensory-wise for her to attend. Plus, we have not yet discussed the vaccine angle with her; she worries so about everything. Anyhoo, something to think about.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

From Talk About Curing Autism (TACA)

Green Our Vaccines RallyWith Jenny McCarthy & Jim Carrey

Do you know that our vaccines contain toxins as well as animal and human by products?

Jenny & Jim Know.

They say "Green Our Vaccines!"


Do you know how many vaccines your child received?

Jenny and Jim Know.

Too Many Too Soon!


Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey invite you to join them for the most historic event of 2008, the Green Our Vaccines Rally, on Wednesday, June 4, in Washington, DC.


Jenny & Jim request that you send this invite to your friends and family members.


Please take the following actions right away:
Click here to confirm your attendance at the Rally.


We need thousands there – we need to be heard.


Please be a NEIGHBORHOOD LEADER and rally your community to come to this historic event. This is the day our voices will be heard. So let's join together and be Louder Than Words. For complete rally information, please visit http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001ZyCNLau8-azukB1voftGzcwZkAMbjxplYnGEMzywuNLl7adUgt8i9dKQGAXNwA0vETHmtDASUtJUWpe1d7hy5IPXUTBxUX4dYoSGKXod4lg= or http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001ZyCNLau8-axfHeWUdJWRiqa8ONmSAdlv9OGXld3Ybm_I2Pq1Lg4wVvolEuEOHDqWYr2mYFWr_jVybHgTINJp5ctNSMqU5fx9ZebkyI4MEwaJqJGlUtVfw6u4fQ92WW13.

Pokey Pants

Riley pokes in the bathroom.

She pokes.

And she pokes.

And she pokes.

We're talking ten minutes for a morning pee. Start to finish. You know. All that wiping and hand washing and of course...peeing.

Poke.

Poke.

"C'mon Riley. Hurry up! I want to get in the shower."

This morning she looked up at me sweetly and without an ounce of sarcasm (she does not "get" sarcasm) asked,

"Do you want to take a shower to wash all the anger off you? Or is it just because you're dirty."

A Tiger in Northeast Ohio

Yesterday, I took a walk with a tiger.

I was accompanying Riley's inclusion class on a field trip to a Nature Center when I spotted him. I immediately looked away. Full-on eye contact can threaten tigers so I casually waved in his direction glancing out of the corner of my eye, all nonchalant.

At one point, the class walked over a bridge. All the kids leaned against a railing, watching two geese float in the pond just beyond a waterfall.

The tiger looked at them, licked his lips and growled quietly. Then he said,

"Yum."

"Don't worry geese!" I said. "The tiger has had a full breakfast, you're safe today."

"How do you know I'm a tiger?" He asked.

"Riley told me."

He smiled.

Then,he opened up a bit about himself.

He likes to swim. (Tigers are good swimmers, you know).

He likes to lay in the shade in the afternoon.

He never kills more than he can eat.

He said,"Tigers are ferocious, but the world needs them."

I looked straight ahead nodding.

"Yes,I agree. The world needs tigers like you."

Later on he told me about a bully that pushed him on the playground.

"I wish people could just be nice. I wish people would be friends. It's hard to find a friend that will put up with you." He said.

Then he sighed and added,

"They're only human."

That's right. People are limited.

Not everyone can be a tiger.

-

* Photo NationalGeographic.com

Shoe Shopping

Riley had outgrown her sneakers so we went shoe shopping.Nothing felt right. They were all stiff, or they had laces which she can't tie yet due to fine motor delays. She could probably do it at this point, but it hasn't been a priority 'til now.

Sensory issues flared.

The mere thought of learning to tie overwhelmed her.

She wound up SCREAMING in the shoe store (our third one), and I was really firm with her. Grabbed her by the jaw, got eye to eye and told her she was not allowed to scream like that in public. She was embarrassing me and scaring other people.

She fell on the floor crying.

"Mommy, I'm sorry. You're right. I'm such a baby!" She sobbed.

I wound up sitting on the floor next to her, swallowing hard to hold back my own tears. A pile of shoes surrounded us. Pink ones. Nikes. Glittery sneakers. Sketchers. Blue Reeboks. Bratz. Barbie.

Her feet won't fit in her old sneakers another minute.

And she needs new ones for gym class.

I don't want her to hate herself.

But she needs shoes.

Damned shoes.

Note to Seth:

Taking the flab roll around a woman's middle in your hands, wiggling it around, and chanting,"Jiggle,jiggle,jiggle!"(in public no less) is not a big hit with the ladies.

Back From Invisible

After having babies, but before I started writing in earnest, I found myself saying to my husband,

"I feel so disappeared."

Now, perhaps the grammar should have been a red flag, but the pull I felt was in one direction, and that was most definitely toward writing.

As my words filled the pages, I began to appear once again.

And this time I'm staying.

For any mothers out there who write, or who want to but have not figured out how to make it happen, I offer you this from from Melanie at MotherVerse Magazine:

MotherVerse Magazine, a semiannual literary magazine for mothers, is launching an exciting new addition; mother writer workshops. These virtual workshops are designed to help facilitate mother-writing by encouraging mothers to come together to learn and guide one another. The workshops will be led by experienced published mentors and are a great opportunity to start or expand a writing project or blog. MotherVerse is currently offering two workshops, "Writing Motherhood" and "Publishing a Blog" which will begin at the end of April and early May. If you are interested in joining please sign up as soon as possible as each workshop has a limited enrollment. Visit http://www.motherverse.com/workshops for more information and to register.

C'mon! Especially you lurkers. You know you want to do it.

And...speaking of writing workshops, author Jennifer Lauck's, Writing Life (not just for mothers, BTW) in Cleveland next weekend is full, but we may be able to sneak in one or two more writers if you drop her an e-mail and plead your case about how you really really want to be there.

Also...If you are here in Cleveland, Jennifer will be giving a reading at Barnes & Noble in Beechwood, Sunday the 20th at 7PM. They've been promoting it heavily so you might want to get there early to get a seat.

I'll be there too. Come say "Hi!"

Being visible is good.

Pants Warm If Not Quite on Fire?

"Hi Todd." Said Riley as her dad walked in from work.

Riley's friend E stood there, not quite skeptical.

"Why are you calling me Todd?" He asked her.

Riley grabbed his coat collar, pulling him down to whisper in his ear.

"I told E you were my boyfriend." She smirked, letting him in on her tall tale.

E didn't believe it for a second.

Riley totally thought she had E snowed.

Lying requires a part of the brain that many on the autistic spectrum cannot access. So does teasing.

She used to, not understanding teasing, say to her brother,

"Seth.......(in a very teasy voice) I'm teeeeeeasing you." That was her tease. She half got it. And Seth would cry, so it actually was effective.

Now she can tease full on.

Perhaps one day she'll become a better liar too.

Though I hope she never learns the art of lying to herself.

Social Butterfly?

I waited outside the school.

The doors opened and Riley came out with a little girl (who is in her class and lives on our new street). They ran up to me, asking if they could play after school. I told them to ask her mom and when she said yes, they hugged and jumped up and down screaming, "YAY!"

Did ya'll get that? Hugged and jumped up and down and screamed happily.

Little friend came over, they had a snack, did their homework together.

I heard the little girl say, "Riley you should be really proud because on Tuesday at school, you didn't get upset at all!"

They also complimented each other on how smart they both were, whizzing through homework like it was nothing.

After, they watched Hairspray.

Today another playdate with a different friend.

Riley is learning so much,

and she is holding her own.

I love this neighborhood.

I love this girl.

Learning

Yesterday I told a friend about something I perceived her to be doing that was bugging me.

I regret it.

I don't know.

Is it okay to say anything if you don't like "the feel" of something you think is going on in a friendship?

Is it not okay?

I'm standing on that fine line between speaking up for myself and not.

There's also the(damn)knowledge that what is bugging me about someone else is actually something I need to examine in myself.

And the possibility that the person wasn't doing what I thought she was at all.

But it really felt like she was. Is that just my ego?

Yes, it is.

Because it doesn't matter. What she's feeling/thinking or doing(or not). It isn't under my control or any of my business.

I wish instead of writing an e-mail, calling this dear friend out on the carpet, I had written her a love letter. Telling her all the things I appreciate about her and that I am glad she is here on this earth, and that I am better for knowing her.

The teachings of Abraham say that when we have a grievance about someone it feels so bad to us because God(Source)does not agree. Source sees them as they truly are. Everything else falls away.

I read a lot on the soul. On spiritual matters. Right now I picture those in that realm shaking their heads(in a loving way),saying, "she's book smart, but on a practical level....tsk. She's got quite a long way to go."

Of course, the reason self-loathing feels so bad, is because Source doesn't agree with that either.

* Picasso

Autism Awareness Day