Where Have I Been?

Hello beautiful people! Back today from a trip to Alaska. A blessed trip where everything went our way. Flights left on time. Lost bags got returned promptly. Service people were beyond nice. Kids were happy. Childcare was lovingly provided. Riley handled all transitions with bravery and willingness and grace. Seth had a ball. The Universe tipped its hat in our direction, "Welcome," It said. "We've been waiting for you."

All is well...........

really, really, well.

A Million White Men for Obama

Get your bumper sticker here.

Noing! (sounds like boing)

Noing.



Noing.



Noing.



Noing.



(pause)



Noing!

If you can't think of a way to annoy your sister,

you can just say,

"annoying"

over and over again.


Ask Seth.

It really does the trick.

Work it Girl!

Someone dear to me has recently broken out of a shell. Step by step, she is claiming her space in the world, and it is beautiful.

She went to a dance class the other day. Zumba.

She amazed herself, keeping up with the steps. Letting go, little by little. Feeling her body move to the rhythm. Feeling her body at all.

Behind her, a woman let out a rolling "Charo-esqe" yell!

It shocked my friend at first, but she liked it.

All the way home, alone in her car, she practiced her own Charo yell.

When we free ourselves, we give others permission to do the same.

Hey Lady, You Forgot Your Towel

In the locker room, an old lady stepped out of her shower stark naked and walked in our direction. Riley looked up, sucked in her breath,shrieked,then covered her eyes. She buried her head into me and began to whimper.

I wasn't sure what was going on. She knows "naked" is "private." She knows it is impolite to stare. Being black and white and rule oriented, was she upset she'd accidentally seen this woman, naked? Did she think she was somehow in trouble?

Or was she upset with how the woman looked? All pendulous breasts and belly? Was she frightened?

"Riley. What's going on."

No words, just whimpers.

"Riley, it's okay. Some people aren't very modest, and they walk around naked in locker rooms. It's alright if you saw her naked. You didn't mean to. You didn't stare."

A few seconds go by. I'm still hugging her.

"Did seeing her naked scare you?"

Still nothing.

"Riley, talk to me. What are you feeling?"

She gulped, then managed to squeak out one word,

"Shocked."

People Are Good

I dial the phone.....

"Hi, My name is Michelle O'Neil and I have to bring in two children for blood draws. One of them is on the autism spectrum, and she has lots of anxiety about these things. I'm wondering if I could schedule a time when it's not busy, so that we don't have to wait, because the more time we spend waiting, the more anxious she becomes, and then her brother gets all upset too, etc.."

The person on the other end says,

"No. We don't schedule appointments, it's first come first serve."

"Even for a child with special needs? I'm telling you, she'll be screaming and flailing and it will be a big mess, especially if she has to wait."

"No. Sorry."

"WELL THAT'S RIDICULOUS!" I fume.

Ahem.

Deep breath.

"Let me talk to someone else please."

"Hello?"

"Hi, My name is Michelle O'Neil and I have to bring in two children for blood draws. One of them is on the autism spectrum, and she has lots of anxiety about these things. I'm wondering if I could schedule a time when it is not busy, so that we don't have to wait, because the more time we spend waiting, the more anxious she becomes, etc."

"Absolutely. Tell me when you want to come in. I'll send down someone from pediatrics who is really good with kids. Skip registration, come right back to the lab. No problem."

Her kindness squeezes at my throat.

We woke the kids at 6:30 to apply numbing cream.

At 7:30, three pediatric nurses awaited us. We walked right in, they chitter-chattered to Riley, put headphones on her, clowned and danced to the music, reassured her, told her how brave she was. One or two tears. She took her deep breaths. No screaming, no flailing. Over in two minutes.

Seth's turn next. No tears, unless you count the ones I noted welling up in Todd's eyes.

Special needs parents have so much gratitude for the kindness of strangers.

It was the best blood draw ever.

Back on Track

So Little Ms. Riley's behavior had been really over the top as of late. Plus, we hadn't had a minute apart from each other in weeks. Exasperated, it felt like we'd gone backward. Luckily, Todd had his first "week off" in his new schedule and I got a break. And I had time to think.

Think.

Think.

Think.

Ding!

Riley's MB12 dose had not been increased in two years! And she's recently had a major growth spurt.

Called the doctor.

Adjusted the dose.

My happy girl is back.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Thank you.

Amen.

Don't Hate Her Because She's Beautiful. Hate Her Because She's Clueless, Yet Arrogant.

Used. That's what celebrity Amanda Peet is. Used. Taken advantage of. Don't you hate when people are too clueless to even realize how clueless they are, so they go ahead and assume they're smart? She was quoted in a recent issue of Cookie Magazine, calling parents who don't vaccinate their children "parasites."
~
You see, someone in her family is a doctor, and they put her in touch with Paul Offit, and Paul Offit gave her an earful, and she believed him. Because he's a doctor. He's also a professional spokesperson for a major pharmaceutical company that makes a butt load off of vaccines. He's also got financial interest (patent holder)on at least one vaccine. Offit has a book coming out that bashes parents who are concerned about the increased vaccine schedule and the toxins in the currently mandated shots. And I'm willing to bet, somewhere in there, he calls us "parasites." (I'm just guessing Peet didn't come up with that analogy on her own). Oh...and according to a recent article in Age of Autism, Offit has also been reprimanded by the US congress for his conflicts of interest while serving on the Vaccine Advisory Committee.
~
Amanda Peet, I sure hope you never have to experience the pain of watching your child struggle with autism. I hope your kid never screams non stop for two years straight. I hope she doesn't get kicked out of preschool, and I hope she doesn't miss 14 days of school per year due to GI trouble. I hope she never rips chunks of hair out of her head and I certianly hope she doesn't smear feces all over your walls. I hope she always is able to say "Mama," and, "I love you."
~
I don't care if you vaccinate or if you don't, but how dare you criticize parents in the trenches who have actually done their homework and who give the best of themselves to their precious children with autism every day. How many research studies have you personally read Ms. Peet?And if by chance you have read an actual study, did you ever ask who funded it?
~
Hmmm.....I wonder if Ms. Peet thinks all the autistic kids we'll be supporting in the decades to come (on the government dole) are parasites too?
~
And BTW...Amanda, do you have any compassion for the mothers? Any respect for the thousands of parents who say, "Vaccines did this to my child." 5000 cases are lined up and waiting for their turn in federal vaccine court right now.
~
Is there any way you might be wrong? Or are you too arrogant (or clueless)to even consider the possibility.
~
One last question Amanda Peet....are you getting paid for your part in Offit's upcoming "Every Child by Two" public service announcements to push vaccines? If yes, do you mind this "parasite" asking, how much?

*photo from a Gap ad (2007)

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

-Jon Kabat-Zinn

* photo by surftravelcompany.com

Jesse Jackson/Obama/Smarty

Saw this on Kim's blog. Too good not to share.

If all else fails, there's always....

....Amy Sedaris doing Al Jarreau. The day she doesn't make me laugh, we'll really have a problem.

Gee My Hair Smells Terrific

So I did what any smart girl does when she's in a funk. I got my hair cut.

And HT had the day off so I spent it away. First window shopping, then hours at Barnes & Noble, then to the park with my new reads, sitting by the water in the shade with the perfect breeze and not a soul around. Just me and the birds and dragon flies and the occasional fish leaping out of the water to say hello. Oh and the turtles. Six of them on a log. And a crane.

~

I think the crane really liked my hair. I mean, I think they all did, but the crane actually stood before me and nodded in approval.

2008 and Thimerisol(Mercury) is Still in Vaccines

36 days of 24/7 with Riley and I feel like maybe all that progress I thought had happened didn't really happen at all. Maybe it was just that she was at school from 9-3 each day and I was getting a break, so my outlook was better.

I am in a serious funk and yes I feel sorry for myself and I feel sorry for my kid. And my other kid. And my husband.

All my friends can send their kids off to day camp to keep them occupied and happy for at least some of the summer. Riley can't function independently at day camp, and I don't trust the 20 year old counselors to know anything about dealing with her for an extended period of time. We've tried these things and we get kids that assume she's being willful or bratty. Tell me counselors, what kind of training have you had to work with a child specifically like Riley? Not much, let me tell you.

The "autism" camps would seem like a better fit, but they really aren't. Riley does not do that well with her own kind. The autistic behaviors of her high functioning peers, the unpredictability, the loudness (oy if somene else screams) she comes home looking shell-shocked and terrorized. And for anyone who thinks I'm being over-protective, do you know what it's like to pick up a child at school with blood vessels broken in her eyes from crying so hard all day? Fuck that.

We did a week of sculpting class. It's drop-off for an hour and a half. She did beautiful work, but I had to stay. She could not handle it.

Last night left me nit-picking Todd. "Why have you never even once read a research study on autism. Why have you not studied every treatment? Why is every decision for this child on my shoulders?"

"I feel like you are always ten books ahead of me, no way I can keep up," was his reply.

Earlier, I'd brought Riley to Seth's second karate class. Todd is working evenings so there are some nights I'll have to bring her. She plugged her ears but it wasn't enough, and the loud yells rattled her nervous system to the point of her crying loudy, disrupting the class. A teacher came over to ask about her. Seth, stood on the line, trying to be brave, checking my face for reassurance. I rocked her, soothing her, running my hand over her hair, telling Seth with my eyes, "It's okay buddy, keep going, you're doing great."

Riley's body did the big heavy jags that go with crying, and she whispered, "It's not fair. It doesn't bother anyone else."

Usually I tell her it's just one of her challenges and remind her of all her gifts but last night I just agreed with her,

"You're right baby, it isn't fair. I'm so sorry."

Later, after the fight, it was me with my head in Todd's lap. This time it was my body with the big heavy jags. Todd's fingers through my hair.

My child suffers and I can't figure it out.

She is so vulnerable and I can't protect her.

I can't take away her pain.

~
Click here for amounts of thimerisol currently in childhood vaccines. Print it off and take it to your pediatrician and check labels together for any vaccines you are planning to allow. No amount of mercury has ever been proven safe for living tissue.

Happy Birthday....

to Jenny!

Happy Birthday to Jenny!

Happy Birthday, dear Jenny!

Happy Birthday to Jenny!

What are you doing here? Go tell Jenny Happy Birthday!

My Husband, the Buzz Kill

He caught me eyeballing the lady on the bike. I couldn't help it. She had what I wanted.

Instantly, I thought of a million places I would go on a bike like that! The freedom! The wind having its way with my hair. Me! Tooling down the road.

"You want a tricycle?" He asked.

"It's not a tricycle! It's a bike. And look! Think of all the library books I could fit in that basket!" I shot back.

He looked again at the senior citizen perched atop my fantasy ride. (She seriously was no more than 75).

"I'm afraid you need to be a little older to pull that one off."

Says the guy who doesn't even own a library card. How could he possibly understand?

Pffffft.........

Seth had his first martial arts class Saturday and here's the thing about five year old boys. They don't give a tinker's damn if during sit-ups they accidentally let one fly.

Now if that ever happened to me (not that it would, because I don't), I would have to leave immediately and not come back, ever. Remember that unfortunate Sex and the City scene with Carrie and Big in bed?

My boy? No problem. I toot, therefore I am.

He takes after his Dad, obviously.

Here Piggy Piggy!

I'd say it myself, but Kim Stagliano says it so well....

"Click HERE to see the reports on FIFTEEN deaths from Gardasil in females age 11 to 26. Are you kidding me? Fifteen deaths since 2007? Did YOU hear about the 12 year old who died in April of 2008? No, but you heard about the killer tomatoes, right?????

This reports is from The National Vaccine Information Center, and pulls data from the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting system, which docs use to track vaccine injuries. Even a fainting spell or rash should be reported. These reports are like rapes - GROSSLY underrerported, as often docs do not relate the "event" to the vaccine, which may have been administered days, or weeks prior to the event.

FIFTEEN DEAD GIRLS AND WOMEN!!! This is serious shit. This isn't, "The Mercury Militia and Crazy Anti-Vaccine People" talking out of our arses. How about a dead 11 year old? For what? The hope of MAYBE not getting a tiny portion of the HPV (in five years when she has sex, that is IF the vaccine lasts that long?) that can lead to cervical cancer? When 95% of HPV resolves itself ON ITS OWN in a woman's body?

And get ready, parents of boys. They're gunning to give Gardasil to your son next, so he won't pass the virus onto his partners. A laudable cause - of course. No one wants their kid to get a venereal disease, certainly not one that can lead to cancer. That's a "duh", right?

Teach your kids to use condoms. Have I said that often enough? Or keep it zipped. That's an option too. Although it ain't much fun, and goes against raging hormones."

-Thanks K-Stag!

I Will Remember You

Went for a solo walk this morning in the rain. A nice hard rain, no thunder. Something about the smell in the air, the beautiful wet, and well tended to landscaping everywhere, the rain on a warm day, reminded me of our honeymoon in Jamaica.

There was a moment on that trip where we laid in a hammock, and time stood still. It was so relaxed, so perfect, so worryless. My head on his chest. My skin melting into his. Oxytocin. His heartbeat. I felt utterly safe. Adored. Protected.











Turns out he couldn't protect me from the sorrows of life.

Another moment on that trip, we were canoodling in a giant hanging basket-chair in a gazebo at the end of a pier. It was evening and the tide was coming in. It was romantic, floating over the ocean. The sound of the water.

SPLASH!

The tide came up over the pier and drenched us. And we stayed there, laughing hysterically. Waiting for the next hit. 'Til our bellies hurt.

We've been in transition for a while now. Playing our roles. Getting the job done. Co-existing. Head down, trudging forward.

I miss him.

This week Todd changed his hours at work. He'll be 1-11PM, 7 on 7 off. (7 days in a row on, but then 7 days OFF)! Home in the morning for the kiddos. Off every other week.

Here's the thing about Todd. He always comes through. He had a job where he traveled and never saw baby Riley. He quit that job and found another one. He knew the school system wasn't working in VA and so he didn't flinch when I suggested Nashville, or NC, or ultimately, Cleveland.

I didn't ask him to, but I know he's taking these new hours for me. For us. Think end of August. Me and Todd every other week, walking the kids to school then hmmm.....what will we do for the next 8 hours?

That's right. We'll be canoodling.

He'll say, "I remember you."

I'll say, "Well I don't remember you."

He'll wrap his arms around me and kiss behind my ear and ask,"Does this ring a bell?"

I'll say, "A little more pressure please."

He'll laugh.

And then I will remember him.

Is You Is or Is You Ain't?

Riley and Seth have discovered Tom & Jerry on the Cartoon Network. They laugh out loud love it. This is my favorite episode from when I was a kid.

Virginia Woolf Quote

I have sometimes dreamt, at least, that when the Day of Judgment dawns and the great conquerors and lawyers and statesmen come to receive their rewards—their crowns, their laurels, their names carved indelibly on imperishable marble—the Almighty will turn to Peter and will say, not without a certain envy when He sees us coming with our books under our arms, “Look, these need no reward. We have nothing to give them here. They have loved reading.”



-I read this in the introduction to Nancy Pearl's, Book Lust. A book about books.

The Hole Evening

Folding laundry the other day, I noticed a hole in the butt/crotch area of Todd's black pants. I can't say the thought ever occurred to me to sew it, but I did, as a courtesy, refrain from hanging them up in his closet. I left them folded on the hope chest at the foot of our bed, and thought, "I should tell Todd about that," after which I promptly forgot.


Until last night.

HT comes in the door at 11:30PM, reaches down between his legs and says,


"Look at this!"


At first I felt all a twitter. After all, that's not really his style. Perhaps he's trying something new. A lusty re-entry home after a hard evening at the pharmacy?


But alas, he was pointing out the hole, now huge. He'd failed to notice it until the car ride home from work. His co-workers hadn't mentioned it, but God only knows how long his giblets were hanging out.

Boxers or briefs? No mystery with this guy anymore.

How Dry I Am

So we had the drains snaked, ($350.00) and the guy who did it said they had probably never been done and the previous owner lived here for fifty-eight years! There were big old roots growing in there, so the water couldn't get out and had no choice but to seep into the foundation.

And the good news....our basement is now dry.

We'd been running dehumidifiers down there, emptying them everyday. Now, they are not filling up, and that damp, cold, wet smell and feeling is gone...this even after a weekend of hard rain.

A Dad at Seth's preschool gave us a referral for a sewer guy who was a doll. He tried to work for a major plumbing chain, but lasted only a day. Their shtick was to bilk the consumer for more repair than they really needed. Like thousands of dollars more. He did it once, as directed, and couldn't look himself in the mirror.

"I gotta sleep at night! What if someone finds out and I run into them at Home Depot? They might scream at me in front of my kids."

The moral of the story....if your basement is wet, hire a good sewer guy with a big auger to shred up whatever is in your drains. If they say they need a "camera" to see what's in there, blah blah blah....and then if they find something with the camera and say they need to dig up your whole lawn, etc.,...keep going and get someone who will snake it without all the hoopla. Save yourself a lot of money.

Look at me? Giving advice on home improvement. Of course, I'm not a plumber or anything...but I do have a nice dry basement.