Look buddy, it's me, or the cords...

The phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi. How's it going?" he asks.

HT's working one of his loooong stretches, made even longer by lots of overtime.

"Well. I was just thinking about divorcing you."

He laughs, "What'd I do?"

"Cords."

For the last three weeks, I have been going through every nook and cranny of this house, getting rid of clutter. Not a drawer or shelve untouched. I've been reading Creating Sacred Space with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston, and as soon as I can get this place cleared out, we'll implement the changes she recommends. It is really sick how much clutter we had, since we just moved into this house in March. Why did we bring it with us? Too tired to sort through it at the time, I guess we just boxed it up and brought it with. Ugh.

The kids are at the ages where we can finally get rid of the mountains of "little kid" stuff. Praise God. I've made two trips to Goodwill already.

Today, I tackled the basement, and found plastic bin, after box, after shoebox, after bag, after drawer, after toolboxes, full of cords. Cords of every variety. Phone, computer, cable, bungee, battery recharger, you name it. No rhyme or reason. All mashed together so it would take less time to drive to the store for a new one than to untangle the damn things.

"Do you really think this is grounds for divorce?"

"Yes."

"I don't think a judge would agree to cords as a reason."

"How 'bout irreconcilable differences?"

He laughs again.

Apparently, he doesn't think I'm serious.

Tip of the Day

If there is someone in your life that annoys you, and her name happens to be Janet, it really helps, if in all your interactions with her, you sing "Interplanet Janet," you know, just silently in your head. It really takes the edge off of whatever Janet you're dealing with. I can rendezvous with the worst of Janets, and still feel smiley inside. That's how powerful this is.

No need to thank me.



*This is not about my friend Janet. I acknowledge there are many fine, fine Janets out there. Janets of the non-annoying variety, whom I adore.

Off He Goes!

It's going to take me a little while to process the fact that Seth is off to full day kindergarten. Todd and I spent the first two hours at school with him today, and then we left. Not a tear was shed (him or me). He's been to the school so many times for Riley, it was no big thing. He wasn't scared. He was ready. He didn't give us a backward glance.
~

What I'm not ready for, what's really taken me by surprise, is the question.....

~

"What are you going to DO with all your time?"

~

It's always from women, and always from those who are working full time, raising kids, doing it all. I've barely had two seconds to exhale, and the question brings out defensiveness in me. A teacher posed the question to me on our way out of school this morning, (and several people have asked this over the last few days). So....Hot Toddy and I worked out a top ten list as we walked to the bakery for sticky buns after leaving Seth at school.

~

Here you have it, in no particular order:

~

1) Christen every room in the house.

~

2) WRITE.

~

3) READ.

~

4) Guard against too many PTA volunteer hours.

~

5) Organize and clean every inch of this house.

~

6) Coffee with friends!

~

7) Exercize. Yoga, Zumba, long walks.

~

8) Sit on my ass.

~

9) Sit on my ass.

~

10) Sit on my ass.

~

"What do you think someone would say if I answered that question with "Sit on my ass for the next eight years?"

~

Todd says, "Eight years from now you'd barely be breaking even for the last eight years."

~

Not just a hat rack people. He's clearly thinking ahead to number one.

Things I Just Love

I'm pretending to be Oprah. Humor me.


1) Feeding the Demon


2) Hanna Anderson


3) Brian Andreas


4) The Explosive Child


5) Kim Stagliano's bathing suit.

Uh Kim? I'm waaaaaiiiiiiting.

Listen

"If you listen to the whispers, you don't have to hear the screams."

-Gil Edwards, Author of Living Magically(quoted in the book Creating Sacred Space With Feng Shui by Karen Kingston).

Welcome to my blogroll....

Carnal Zen.

You'll be in good company there.

Time for School

Tomorrow is Riley's first day of school and as I put her to bed, she is fretful.
"I don't want to go," she whimpers. "It will be new teachers and new kids and new everything."

"Yes, you have Mrs. K. and Mrs. M. and they are both really, really nice. Remember we went last week to say hello and to see your class?"

"I don't want to go. It's going to be awful." She flips over in her bed, and I snuggle up behind her.

"And you have K. and S. in your class. Good friends that live right here on our street."

"Mommy. I still don't want to go." She tosses around in her bed, fists clenched with worry.

Holy Spirit, please help me know what to say, how to help her.

"Riley. Did you know that Mrs. M. is there especially for you? Did you know that she's a really great teacher, and she could have decided to teach any kids in the whole world, and she chose to work with kids with Asperger's?"

"She did?" She turns to face me.

"Yes. She did. She loves kids with Asperger's and she totally gets you."

"Really?" The dimple makes an appearance.

"Really. That's why I am so excited for you. I think it's going to be your best year yet."

Giving her a kiss I pull the covers up to her neck how she likes it. I stack her three pillows, just so. Hand her the favorite lovie.

"Well.....maybe.....I do want to go," she smiles, tucking her lovie under her neck.

A couple more hugs. A couple more kisses.

Turn on the relaxing CD.

Walk out quietly.

Glance back at her.

Thank You.

I Want Lessons!

A few years back, HT and I were in DC, and we went with friends to see a singer that I loved.

That night, the gracious Mary Ann Redmond invited one of her young students up on stage. Her name was Chelsea, and if memory serves me right, she sang a bit trembly (with a mouth full of braces), Are You Strong Enough to be My Man. It was adorable.

Well, looky what I found on You Tube!


Chelsea Lee is doing well for herself. She's had a great teacher(that's Mary Ann behind her on the guitar).

If you don't know Mary Ann Redmond's music, you should. She is a singer who just LETS IT GO! If we could all just do that, not necessarily in singing, but in some area of our lives, any area, just LET IT ALL GO, what good medicine that would be.

I'm happy just thinking about the possibilities.

Unsolicited Apology

* Note the attempt at cursive for the names.

** BTW, Seth can't read.

Money Guilt

The discomfort I felt writing the first sentence of my last piece was quite eye opening. I learned only lack growing up, but early in our marriage I spent a lot of time trying to turn that around. I learned about money, reading everything I could get my hands on. We made a decision to live on one income. We knew we wanted kids, and knew I wanted to be home with them, so we never gave ourselves a chance to get used to two salaries. Everything I made, in those years, we saved.

Later, when Riley started showing signs of autism, my financial self-study program got derailed. All my focus (and all our money) went to bio-med therapies. We found out quickly that though we were fully insured, medical insurance companies denied just about everything she needed. We didn't know what the years ahead were going to be like, so we made another important decision to live below our current means. We bought a small house. We drive old cars. We don't shop. Before Alaska, we had not had a real vacation in ten years.

So what's the guilt about? There are many people in my life who are barely getting by financially. People lose jobs, or get an illness and wind up in credit card debt that can seem impossible to climb out of. It almost feels like I'm rubbing our abundance in their face simply by "admitting" to no credit card debt. Of course it's all relative. Wealthy people would laugh at my idea of our current no college fund, no savings, "abundance."

What I do know is you can't attract and repel something at the same time. It is law. If you resent people with money, (and I used to, big time)you can't draw more financial abundance into your life. By the same token, this must be true: You can't attract abundance if you feel guilty about it either. And you can't make yourself poor enough to help anyone else.

We don't normally keep a credit card balance. I am proud of this fact. We are doing well, and we are going to be doing better and better financially.

And if you don't like them apples, you'll never have enough to make your own pie.

A Million Reasons

Maybe it's a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder. Hot Toddy's new schedule has him doing ten hour days every other week. Or maybe it's because he's been working overtime on his weeks off to provide for our family. Or maybe it's because he not only agreed to keep the kitten, but has fallen in love with her. Or maybe it's because he read this piece by Jenny Rough the other day and was very moved. Or maybe it's because I caught him viewing that Black Eyed Peas Obama video again, with an inspired and hopeful look on his face. Or maybe it's because he's taking our little boy to a Cleveland Indians game tomorrow. Or maybe it's because he leaves me love notes (on the computer screen where I'll never miss them) if he has to leave before we all wake up. Or maybe it's because he's good smelling. Or maybe it's because he has never, ever wavered in his conviction that Riley is on this earth to do amazing things. Or maybe it's because he has never, not once, in 12 years of knowing him, put me down. Or maybe it's because he always picks up the Thai food. I could go on and on. There are so many reasons to appreciate Todd. Some I can't write, or speak or barely whisper.

Thank You.

Prema?

Hot Toddy says thanks, for this.

U. G. L. Y. You Ain't Got No Allibi

You're ugly.

Absolutely ugly.

I'm in it to win it.

Mommy? What'd I do? What's so funny?

If Seth's been in the water too long, his feet get wrinkly and worse yet, ITCHY!

We've had to leave the pool several times due to "itchy" feet. He cries and carries on like he's really hurting. We've figured out that putting Eucerin cream on them before getting in the water really helps.

Today the kids played in the garden hose while I did yard work. After a couple of hours, the itching began. Alas, I'd forgotton to apply the cream.

Inside the house, Seth fretted as I applied Eucerin to his feet. We sat on the couch and I distracted him by telling him about when he was a baby.

"I used to massage you every day when you were tiny. I'd rub cream on your feet....."

I massaged the thick cream into his feet and worked my way up his calves.

"I rubbed your legs. Your back, your arms......." I moved along his back and his arms.

"My hands are itchy too!" He cried.

Rubbing the cream into his his hands, I kept talking. He settled down a bit and I placed his head in my lap.

"When you were a baby, I used to massage your forehead, your temples,......even your eyebrows."

Smiling, I rubbed his temples and massaged his scalp. His little body was now completely relaxed.

"Even my balls?" He asked, drawing his legs up and grabbing the "balls" of his feet.

Massage over.

Laughing too hard.

Oh Sure, Tell Me You've Never Done it

He's sitting on the couch, all dressed and ready for work. I come over and lay my head on his lap,

"Am I your favorite?" I ask.

"Always and forever," he responds, running his fingers through my hair.

When it's time for him to go, I raise my right eyebrow, giving him the look.

"Don't go." I say, but what it really means is I'm thinking of hanging on his leg.

It's a little something I've been doing since before we got married. He has to go to work; I hang on his leg like a toddler. He walks across the room, dragging me on one stiff leg toward the door, and we laugh (I mean, at least, I do)! Of course I've taught the kids to do it too.

"Have you learned nothing?" He asks.

You see, leg hanging can be dangerous. Last time, me and Riley went for the same leg from opposite sides, and she wound up inadvertently gouging me in the eye with her fingernail.

"Fine," I say.

So now he's off to work, and I'm left here thinking about my next move.

A sly smile crosses my lips.

Safety goggles.

Maybe Jenny (scroll down three posts) will let me borrow hers?

Introducing........

Zu Zu.

She weighs in at 1.12 pounds.

She's named after a character from one of HT's favorite movies.

It's a blatant ploy to tug at his heart strings.

Mission accomplished.

Okay,see, here's what you do.....

...distract him with some dog talk, see, and then, when he isn't looking, slip in an extra cat. He'll be so relieved about not getting a dog, he'll practically thank you!

My friend Cindy (married to Mr. Allergic) rescued a tiny kitten today in downtown Cleveland. It was scrambling, in and out of traffic, trying to find shelter against the noise of construction happening on the street. The poor little thing is skin and bone, a cut on it's leg, covered in dirt and dust. I seriously think it was a day or two from death's door. He/she? can't be eight weeks old.

Riley and Seth are thrilled. They each fed it with a bottle tonight. They mutually decided to name it Pip. As in "squeak." Not that we're keeping it.

Right HT?

; )

A lot happens when Todd works evenings.

She's a Butterfly

In the anthology Special Gifts:Women Writers on the Heartache, the Happiness and the Hope of Raising a Special Needs Child, I wrote about a day at the pool six years ago. Riley was two, and her sensory issues were just starting to become full blown. I didn't understand. I was trying to give her a fun day, and she was reciprocating by tantrum, after tantrum, after tantrum. I wound up losing it on her.

It was quite possibly, the worst day of my life.

But this summer we tried again. She isn't "swimming" yet, but she is comfortable in the 3 ft. water and she is having a good time. We're getting there, baby steps.

Yesterday while we were in the water, a little yellow butterfly showed up and landed on Riley's head. Repeatedly. This is Riley's dream come true. Earlier this summer she sat in a field for 20 minutes with her finger held out wishing for one of these winged creatures to land on it. It didn't happen.

This little yellow butterfly did not land on anyone else. Riley stood perfectly still in the water, big grin on her face showing off the dimple in her right cheek. She didn't dare move. She didn't want to drown it. She attracted a little crowd and the grin just kept getting bigger. Every now and then the butterfly would fly off, and land on the ropes dividing the swim lanes. Riley stood there staring at her little friend, memorizing its features. Then it would fly back onto her head and the grinning would resume.

After swimming we headed over to the concession stand for some ice cream. Riley walked with a huge colorful beach towel wrapped around her. Her pink Crocs poked out the front, the back dragged along on the concrete.

She looked up at me, again with the grin and that dimple,

"This is the best day of my life!" she said.

And that's the thing about kids like Riley. We do have our challenges, but a simple day at the pool and a comment like that can leave you high for days.

# 44 from A Cat's Little Instruction Book, by Leigh W. Rutledge

"When a friend wants to lick you, let them."

Just one of the ways I drive Todd crazy while he's at work.....

To: Hot Toddy
From: _____ (I am forbidden from stating our mutual nickname),
Subject: We are 100% compatible for whippets!


*It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it.

Roy

He came over and stood at the end of my table in the deserted restaurant on the Lido deck. I had turned a chair toward a large window and was watching the Alaskan landscape pass by. Every now and then I'd jot a thought down in my notebook.

"Are you enjoying your cruise?" He asked, facing forward, looking toward where I'd been staring, barely making eye contact. He wore a wait staff uniform. Like most of the other workers on the ship he was Filipino. He had a regal quality to him. Straight posture. Chin held even. Dignity.

"I am." I said, turning in his direction.

"Have your children gone to bed?"

"Yes," I smiled.

Everyone on the boat seemed to know our kiddos. The staff fawned all over them, making us origami animals at every meal, giving them high fives and extra scoops of ice cream.

Todd was relaxing with some ESPN in our cabin as the kids slept.

"Do you have children?" I asked.

He nodded, "Two boys. One is five and one is a baby."

"Do you get off the boat every other week or so to see them?" I asked, naively.

He shook his head.

"We sign ten month contracts. I have four more months to go." His eyes welled with tears, but he didn't let them overflow.

"I just talked to them on the phone," he said.

"That must be hard," I added, weakly.

The kids had been wild in our tiny room as we prepared them for bed. I could not wait to get away from them. To have a moment to myself.

"Have you ever been away from your kids?" he asked.

"Hardly ever," I said.

"I try to be a good daddy, it's more money than I could ever make at home. But I don't know if I can do it again," he shook his head.

"You are a good daddy," I said.

He snapped out of this moment of vulnerability and started straightening the tablecloth.

"Can I get you anything? A glass of water?"

"No. I'm fine."

"Enjoy your evening," he said.

Next morning in the restaurant, he acted like he didn't recognize me, but he picked Seth up and tickled him before moving on with the breakfast trays.

Another Slow Night at the Pharmacy

Hot Toddy comes in from his evening shift.

"What are you doing telling everyone(aw, isn't that sweet? You guys are everyone) I gained three pounds?"

"What's the big deal? I told them I gained 10 from my thyroid last year. I still haven't taken most of that off."

He shrugs and looks at me out of the corner of his eye. Who knew he was so sensitive?

"And I'm not your editor. I just said some people might find what you wrote offensive."

"And I weighed what you said, and I changed it! See? I value your opinion! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go write a "normal" post, after outing myself yesterday."

"Normal," he says, shaking his head. "I'm afraid that ship has sailed."

What Would it Feel Like to Have Enough Money?

Tomorrow is the day the new Abraham-Hicks book, on money, comes out. The teachings of Abraham were the catalyst for The Secret, but The Secret barely scratches the surface of what Abraham is about.

When Seth was born, we named him Seth. I'd been studying A Course in Miracles, and went to a weekly group where we would read the text and discuss how we could apply these beautiful principles to our lives. It was there, that a friend asked, "Did you name your baby after Seth?"

I looked at her blankly. Seth?

Well, she told me about these books, the "Seth books," which were channeled material. A Course in Miracles is channeled as well, but I didn't know that until I was deeply into the text. The message was so pure and loving, by the time I realized it was "channeled" I no longer cared. Every time I read a few pages I felt more peaceful. Plus...it is supposedly from Jesus, and I was raised Christian, so the Christian terminology felt familiar and safe. Besides, no one ever asked for any commitment, or money, or even my last name, so any "cult" fears I went in with were put to rest pretty quickly. Of course, ACIM turns Christianity on it's head, calling hating (in the name of Jesus or anything else) bullshit (obviously my word), but that's another story.

Anyway...back to Seth.

I bought my first Seth book, and was a little spooked, because after all....this wasn't Jesus, this was a non-physical entity, (kind of Ouija board-ish) and my mom always said that was bad news, and I was taken to see The Exorcist when I was SIX by my dear old dad so that type of thing scared the crap out of me, but somehow I was drawn to this Seth. Perhaps my little Seth had something to do with it?

I would read a bit, then put it down. Read a little, put it away. But everything Seth said explained so much, and it was so deliciously intriguing to gain some understanding of this universe! The messages were so loving, and made so much sense! As with ACIM, I felt better each time I read it, and I decided to let those feelings be my guide.

A little while later, I'd begun blogging and had been surfing the internet, when I read about Ask and it is Given, a book written by the non-physical entity called Abraham, channeled by Esther Hicks. I got it, read it, loved it, and not long after, I heard about The Secret and watched it on-line. I was surprised and delighted to see Esther Hicks on the DVD. I'd just read the book! I felt an indescribable connection or recognition. It was tingly!

The other interviews on the DVD were like, "Blah, blah,blah, law of attraction...."(with the exception of Rev. Michael Beckwith whom I dug instantly). Anyway, I ordered the DVD and watched it many times in my kitchen. I was making everything from scratch for Riley's diet back then. One day I had it on, and Riley was sitting at the kitchen table, playing with a toy, not paying any attention to the video. But when Esther Hicks came on (channeling Abraham), Riley flipped her head around, pointed at the little portable DVD player and said, "Mommy, she's a teacher!" Again, tingly tingly! She felt the connection too!

When The Secret exploded on the scene, Esther/Abraham were edited out of subsequent editions, because mass marketers did not think the mainstream masses were ready for "channeled" material. Perhaps they were right. Perhaps even now, you are thinking, "Boy Michelle, I didn't realize you were such a flake!"

But perhaps you are intrigued. Perhaps you too have questions. Perhaps you are feeling a bit "tingly" right this very second? I dunno? Maybe?

The glory of it is, I don't give a rip what you think! And I don't mean that in an F you kind of way. I mean it in an, "I'm free!" kind of way.

And that my friends, is a miracle in and of itself.

If you feel the pull, you might want to one click the money book! If not, don't!

Many paths. One Source.

Love.

"Life is supposed to be fun."

-Abraham-Hicks.

Mama Mia!

Todd and I saw Mama Mia at the movies tonight. It was great. Neither of us has seen the play(though I hear it's playing in Cleveland right now). The best scene in my opinion was Christine Baranski's rendition of "Does Your Mother Know That You're Out?" It's so funny to me, when that song was a big hit, I was a child, and the innuendo flew clear over my head.

Of course that sometimes still happens. For instance, there was a band in our home town called Mona Lott and the Love Dogs. We used to see them at the Amsterdam, home of the secret sauce. I always just assumed Lott was the lead singer's last name. Until a couple of days ago when it finally hit me, oh, ten years later.

At one point in the movie I leaned over to Todd and whispered, "Is it just me or can hardly anyone in this movie sing?"

It wasn't just me.

What I loved was they all did it anyway.

Dig if you will the picture.....

of Todd and I alone, on a date.

Nothing further. I just thought this moment deserved it's props.

I Know You, I Know You.....

Last night we watched kids from the community put on a show involving swimming, diving and water ballet. It was at the pool where Riley and Seth take lessons and their wonderful swim teacher invited us.

The evening was enchanted and our kids had a ball.

The children involved in the program worked so hard. Is it wrong I thought of this all night?

On Bowing Out of the Autism Wars

I've received some questions about the "new me."

-Does this mean you are giving up on bio-med?

-You haven't turned into one of those "neuro-diverse" people, have you?

Etc.

No, I am not giving up on bio-med. I'm giving up on the crippling effects of guilt and blame and regret, and I'm moving forward from here knowing Riley's life has meaning. Bio-med is an integral part of our "here." We could not have gotten this far without it and I am so very appreciative of the bio-med community.

Wouldn't it be nice if the "neuro-diverse" community would cease accusing bio-med parents of not accepting their kids? I loved and accepted Riley completely from the day she was born, but I did not accept that her life would be reduced to uncontrollable screaming fits,day in, day out, forever. And guess what? It isn't! My child needed bio-med therapies to have any quality of life.

But also...wouldn't it be nice if the bio-med people didn't treat the ND group like a bunch of backwood lazy idiots?

Wouldn't it be nice if both sides understood that we all love our kids? We're all doing what we think is right, based on our own very personal beliefs and experience.

It is interesting, that so many in the autism community are using their love for their children as an excuse to hate each other. I'm betting that's not what these beautiful little souls had in mind when they made the decision to come here.

Love.

All I'm saying.

FALL WORD LOVER'S RETREAT

If you are looking for a writing workshop in the near future, I give you this from prolific Cleveland writer John Ettore:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In the Craftmanship Tradition of William Zinsser’s On Writing Well and
the Spirit of Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way
Join John Ettorre and Claudia Taller at
IDLEWYLD BED & BREAKFAST IN HISTORIC LAKESIDE, OHIO
Friday, October 3, 2008, through Sunday, October 5, 2008

In the more than 30 years since its publication, William Zinsser's On Writing Well has come to be a philosophical and spiritual touchstone for writers everywhere. Its core message--about simplicity, authenticity and the importance of developing craft in one's writing—has been absorbed by two generations of appreciative writers. Along with The Artist's Way, it will serve as the intellectual backbone for our retreat.

The environment for our weekend will only be enhanced by the location. Lakeside, Ohio, along the shores of Lake Erie, is the closest thing you'll find to Maine in the Midwest. The town's well-preserved 19th century feel evokes a quieter, more gracious era. Lakeside's motto—'nurturing mind, body and spirit'—is a perfect description for the focus of our retreat-by-the-sea. And Idlewyld Bed & Breakfast, where we'll be staying, is a uniquely charming century-old structure, though updated with all the modern comforts. But the most comfortable touch of all is the personal warmth that our hosts, proprietors Dan & Joan, provide."

To learn more about this writing workshop contact Claudia at ctallerwrites@wowway.com or John at john.ettorre@gmail.com.

Important Announcement:

Pink is no longer Riley's favorite color. In fact, she's sick of people pointing out every pink thing they see to her.

Sick to death of it!

She's thinking of green, but not sure she wants to commit to one color.

I'll keep you posted.

On Our Way to the Cruise

As we boarded the plane to Seattle, a thin elderly black woman sat across the aisle from me. She had beautiful gray hair, neat in a stylish up-sweep. She had preppy-ish clothes. A crisp chartreuse button down shirt. White pants. Cool sandals. A great bag. And a baby. A little two month old baby girl in the crook of her arm.

This baby was the kind for commercials and photo shoots. She had huge bright button eyes. Sweet little curls. Tiny little fists. She was a happy girl. No fussing.

"She's my grand baby," she smiled. Then added, "Well, she's mine. I lost her mother when she (nodding down at the baby) was born."

Before she could get into the details, a young black man no more than 25 and a little girl who was almost four squeezed into the lady's row. I focused on my kids and the woman directed her conversation to him for the next three hours. The young father was keyed in to this old lady. So attentive and sweet. He doted on her and his little daughter. At one point, I looked over and there he was, cradling the infant in his arms while the old woman used the rest room.

When we got off the plane in Seattle, I noticed the woman had no stroller. Just a bag, and that precious baby, in the crook of her arm as she wandered the airport.

At baggage claim, the young father appeared again. He fetched the grandmother's luggage off the conveyor belt for her. Her ride wasn't there, and she forgot her glasses so she could not read her address book. When we left, he was reading the names aloud to her, then calling these random strangers, one by one, on his cell phone trying to get her home safely.

It was the middle of the night and I'm sure he wanted nothing more than to get his own child home and into bed, but you would never know it from the tenderness he displayed toward this grandmother.

These people.

They stay in my mind.

A New Story

Over the last year I've felt a shift taking place, and during our trip to Alaska my questions were answered. I had a profound spiritual breakthrough that will forever change the way I look at autism and the way I see my child.

I truly, finally, get that we are okay right where we are. God does not see my child as tragic, and I'm no longer willing to either. I do not understand the big picture, but I have faith there is one. I trust the wisdom of my daughter's soul.

We went down one path out of many, and here we are. I'm not saying I don't think vaccines contribute to autism, but I'm not writing about it here anymore. I'm not reading about it either. I'm not judging anyone else who beats that drum, if it feels right for them to do so. If it feels right, that's exactly what they should be doing. But for me, lately, every time I do it, I feel depleted. It takes away a little more from what I have to give, and it's time to stop. It's time to focus on another part of the story.

~

First night home from Alaska, we were all so tired. I tucked Riley in and she barely kept her eyes open for "happy thoughts" even though there were so many from the trip.

As we lay face to face on her pillow, she fluttered her eyes, reached out her hands to cup my face and said,

"You're growing. Soon you'll be in your forties."

I laughed. She'd never said anything quite like that before.

Yes angel, Mommy is growing.

Thank you for noticing.

Stay tuned. Watch us fly.

I'm Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Blogger, don't ever do that to me again, okay?

I have so much to tell you all but it's Saturday and my little people are performing a day long "play" in my living room and I have to stay focused, and I'm hot and sweaty because I went to my first Zumba class this morning, and on and on, but I'm back! Yay!

We have so much to catch up on but for now I leave you with Kathy and Anderson.

Love.