Early in the school year, Riley witnessed a fellow third grade girl kick a boy at the drinking fountain, sending him on his butt. The boy and the girl are actually friends, and he was laughing after he fell, (which confused Riley to no end). She has been scared to death of this girl ever since.
The girl is in a class that lines up parallel to Riley's class every morning. She's a big girl, easily outweighing me by 30+ pounds. She definitely is a ring leader, but she doesn't seem too far gone. She has a heart. You can see it in her eyes. One time last year, I saw her from across the playground, walking home from school, terribly agitated, crying, because some boys had been calling her fat. (The weight is the size of the wound.- Marianne Williamson).
"I shouldn't have to put up with it! I shouldn't have to deal with this!" she shrieked.
I was in the middle of a playground crises with Riley, so I couldn't go to her, but I wanted to. I wanted to look her in the eye and agree with her.
"You are so right. You shouldn't have to put up with people picking on you. Ever."
But I didn't. My hands were full.
Whenever Riley sees this girl, she folds inward in terror. So far, Riley had pretty much not even been on her radar. We liked it like that.
Yesterday, Riley told me just before winter break, the girl approached her in the hall at school. Riley was standing with two aides and a teacher, and the girl said, "Hey, Riley."
Riley put up her hand in stop position, and screamed, "Please leave me alone!"
Firmly on the radar now, aren't we?
"Riley, did she sound friendly when she said hi?"
"Yes."
"Then why did you say that to her?"
"Because I saw her kick that boy (15 weeks ago) and I was afraid she was going to be mean to me too."
"But she wasn't being mean to you, was she?"
"No. But how can she be nice when she was so mean?"
Riley threw herself on my shoulder and cried,
"I'm such a stupid person. I'm so confused. I'm sorry I said that to her Mommy!"
Social nuance comes natural to most. It is difficult to teach. This is one of the things that keeps me up late at night, worrying that through no fault of her own, Riley will set someone off and be physically assaulted as a result.
At the recent birthday party she attended there were some older, fifth grade girls who knew each other well. They were all, "Shut up!" and shoving each other on the shoulder, etc. Riley assumed they were very mean, because they said "shut up" and they were being rough. They frightened her. She looked at them only out of the corner of her eye, and didn't talk to them at all, coming off as unfriendly.
This is where people with Asperger's get a raw deal.
This is where it would be so much easier if her disability were more visible.
This is why, if a service dog makes her stand out, I am all for it. If having a doggie in a little vest beside her causes folks to give her the benefit of the doubt? Good. If the dog offers her comfort in this confusing world? Great.
And if they want to give us a German Shepherd? Something a little intimidating? I wouldn't be opposed to that either.
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14 comments:
great post--I go through all this social confusion with Ethan too. Like you said, social life for typical kids is trying, but when you're on the spectrum and can't read shades of gray too well, it's really overwelming.
or a rottweiler! My husband had the sweetest rottweiler but it scared the heck out of everyone. Not what you want, I know. The shepherd sounds good. I know that has got to be tough..how DO you teach social nuance? I guess she is learning now, M, through these trials. I have confidence in Riley, that all will turn out well. What does John E.R. have to say about this I wonder?
it's all so overwhelming for our kids isn't it?
there was a really tough girl in darby's class last year who took a shine to kendall .. she would insist on picking her up every morning and giving her a hug. meanwhile, all the other kids were (are) deathly afraid of this girl .. a head taller and 3x more attitude than her classmates)
i couldn't have been happier with the arrangement!
and the dog .. well, we're almost there, sister . we're almost there
Great post, and great points, but I can't get over that Marianne Williamson quote - wow. BTW, I'm definitely feeling a German Shephard for Riley!
Oh man, this just kicked me in the gut on so many level, Michelle! That poor girl who is struggling with her own social issues, the fear for Riley, the confusion. The recognition Riley had that she had done something not quite socially appropriate...it's all such a painful jumble, isn't it?
I hope that Riley and the other girl can come to a relationship; I bet they'd be good for each other.
Maybe she could be Riley's "guardian" until the dog comes?
You know, an interesting thought just occurred to me. This incident is a blatant demonstration of why this world is so fractious energetically. Our actions (ie. pushing = violent) do not match our intentions (want to tell you how much I LIKE you).
If that's the way our society operates, it's no wonder the planet is in such turmoil. The universe doesn't know what to give us because we're sending mixed signals (positive intent with negative action).
Perhaps this is the gift of this disability. Though absolutely torturous for these poor little souls who have to endure the backlash, they are perhaps here to shed a bright light on this terrible incongruency, and thus ultimately help humanity evolve to the next level before it's too late for the planet.
Happy New Year Everyone!
Love X.
praying for even greater love for you and your family in this new year.
love
With so many mixed messages flying about, it's no wonder Riley gets confused. We all need to be more clear with our intentions and with our words. We've created a lot of unnecessary confusion!
Her heart is so pure and comes right through the screen. I love the way you know her and the way you help us know her!
Blessings for this new year!
The German Shepard has my vote. My mother used to raise them and several worked as therapy dogs. True, they can appear intimidating, but a more loyal guide she will not find...other than you, Michelle. You are an amazing mom.
it IS soooo confusing! there is so much to process!
i want riley to get that dog! that beautiful soft fluffy loving dog!
I can relate to this on so many levels.. I've seen Salamander go through this so many times, and it still happens on occassion (but he's gotten much better at asking either me or the person that he is attempting to interact with what the intent is - self advocacy at work). And while it seems that your Riley 'withdraws' from the confusing interaction, my Salamander would turn (and sometimes still does) into a Pittbull and go into 'full fledged attack mode' (one of these days I'll need to write up the story of what happened when Salamander was in 1st grade and a 3rd grader said something that was misinterpreted by Salamander. As little as Salamander was at that time, he jumped the 3rd grader and flattened the poor kid. Oh yeah, momma had some 'xplainin' to do..]
Keep teaching Riley and keep modeling for her, both her perspective AND the other person's perspective. And when there is a situation where Riley sends a confusing message, then ask HER what she meant to communicate. It has, and is, helping Salamander enormously to 'step out of himself' to see how what HE is doing can be misinterpreted such as much as that he can misinterpret another person's actions.
Just thoughts of course.. you are so good at this stuff, you know what to do..
when I was a kid I was a lot like that big girl - when I think now of the Rileys that I might have scared ...
sometimes I wish we all could each other the benefit of the doubt
I'm with Nancy - a german shepherd would be great! I grew up with them and they are lovely dogs....except for the paintbrush tail to coat your house in mud and the big paw prints all across the floor....but then you look at the soppy mutt and you can't help but love 'em!
*late to the party*
Hi Michelle, just trying to catch up a little on your blog since I'm new (via Jess). This post really hit home with me. So many times my Nigel has berated himself like Riley when he realizes that he has committed a social error of some sort. It's so sad to see how it negatively affects his self-esteem. I think you're right - a service dog would help in many ways. I hope Riley gets hers soon!
PS. I've always loved the name Riley!
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