So, it's 2009. This year, my plan is to stop fighting myself. For so long, I've tried to be different than I am. I have tried to be calmer,kinder,more relaxed. When I went to nursing school, the plan was to continue on to become a nurse midwife, and unconsciously, I think what I really wanted was to be as laid back as the midwives I knew.
Not bloody likely!
This year, I want to step back and observe myself as my own friend. So, for example, if I take down the Christmas tree and all the decorations by myself, and lovingly pack them up, and then happen to fall down the stairs with an over sized red and green bin, hurting my my hip, knee and ankle? I'm not going to tell myself how stupid I was to do it alone. Instead, I'll tell my "friend," how sweet it was of her to want to do it all when HT was working, so that he wouldn't have to mess with it on his time off.
And in my shenanigans, if I happen to kick the front door, because it is a hundred years old and the lock jams and I have an armful of wet pine needles that I need to drop on the floor in order to mess with the son of a bitch, I'm not only going to forgive myself for kicking the door, but also for saying "son of a bitch," because it's a lot better than "mother-f#@ker," which is what I really wanted to say, and besides, the kids were not within earshot.
This year, I want to do a lot more laughing with, and a lot less berating of myself.
And I want to know, on a visceral level, mistakes or not, my worthiness is not up for debate.
Happy New Year. Neither is yours.