Driving home from karate today, I was waiting at a four way stop. In our neighborhood, everyone takes their turn. The four way stops are a Cleveland miracle. People are so polite. It's heaven. And orderly. And efficient.
So I'm two cars back, waiting my turn, knowing it will come, and the guy in front of me pulls out. It was his turn. And a woman, blows through the stop sign, and almost hits him. She barely even stopped at all. And then, she turns and flips off the guy she almost hit, and gives him the dirtiest look, and I said out loud,
"You, are an idiot."
Now I know you don't like that word Carrie, but could you give me a substitute? I would never in a million years think of your sweet son, or anyone with Down Syndrome, etc. as stupid, or idiotic, (quite the contrary) but I do think there are people out there, not mentally handicapped (is handicapped the wrong word?) who fit those terms.
So anyway, after witnessing the close call, I took my turn and as I was on my merry way, I heard Riley sobbing in the back seat. I reached back and patted her leg, and asked,
"Sweetie, what's the matter?"
Seth piped in, "She thinks you called her an idiot."
WTF?
She had been talking when I said it, and I got lost in the transaction taking place, and forgot.
"Riley, never, ever, EVER, ever, ever, would I ever insult you. EVER. You got that? NEVER."
I explained what had just happened, and apologized for using a not nice word, but assured her it was NOT in reference to her.
"Okay," she whimpered.
And it just breaks my heart, because how could she possibly think I would ever say anything hurtful about her? How could I have given this child everything I have for so long, only to have her doubt me like this? I have never insulted her. I have never even cussed in front of her(yes, I want a fucking metal).
I have done everything I possibly can to nurture her, to protect her heart, and my beautiful daughter, whom I love to the depths of my soul, thinks it quite possible I might at any given moment, call her an idiot.
I know I shouldn't take it personally. I know this is the autism. The black/white thinking.
It hurts though.
And I think there is some lesson in this, that when we hurt one, we hurt all. When we insult one, we harm the whole.
I'm not quite in a place where I can fully hear it, but I'm willing to consider the possibility.
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15 comments:
This is such a hard lesson for me as well, to realize that every human being, however I may judge them in the moment, is a child of Spirit, or God, or the Universe and worthy of love and compassion. So hard a lesson and so needful if we are to live in peace in this world. Thank you for sharing this moment, though the telling must have been nearly as painful as living it.
Oh, Michelle, what a hard situation! A similar thing happened to me before - Nigel thinking I said "Shut up" to him when I had quietly said "Stop it." I have never, ever said "shut up" to either of my kids, and it upset me that he would think that, and HE was upset thinking I had said it to him. Ugh. Sometimes it's just hard.
"And I think there is some lesson in this, that when we hurt one, we hurt all. When we insult one, we harm the whole. "
I never thought of it like this before, thank you.
For the record, I would have the called the driver much, much worse, kids in the car or not.
I understand how Riley got to that place. If, in your own heart, you are *certain* that at any moment someone could stop loving you, because of WHO YOU ARE, not because the other person is bad, then you are always waiting for that moment. That moment when the other person finally realizes that they don't love you anymore. Because they finally see that you are not good enough.
Ask me how I know.
"And a little child shall lead you..."
The power of words always amazes me, I too never considered how what I say to one makes others feel.
We all need to be gentler with our words I suppose, but we are also human and prone to moments of forgetfulness - and I think we, especially someone as kind and aware as you, need to give ousrselves a break.
Now there you go, that's your bit of spectrum right there, you assumed she knew what you knew, that she had seen what you saw from her back seat. I have come to the conclusion that the world is on an autistic continuum and we all have a spot on it somewhere which can shift a bit up or down depending on our day.
Makes you think though, that such a throw away comment can have such barbs.
I understand how Riley got there, too. And it is not about you. Growing up different hurts. I resonate with Laura's comment. I would have said much, much worse to the other driver--and probably would have laid on the horn.
I am impressed that you have never sworn in front of the kids. I grew up with a logger. When I swore as a kid he turned to my mom and said, "Where did you learn that?"
My mom responded, "Well, where do you think?"
You do deserve a fucking medal!
"And I think there is some lesson in this, that when we hurt one, we hurt all. When we insult one, we harm the whole."
That's it.
For the record, I'm okay with jerk, even ASSHOLE! But never ever something that insults intelligence. Things/people can be silly, ridiculous, ludicrous, etc., but they aren't STUPID or DUMB, IDIOTIC, or the r-word. Period.
Cognitively challenged? Mentally handicapped? Developmentally disabled? Any of those work for me to actually describe such a person, as long as the intent is pure.
I don't think it is an autism thing, I think it is a kid thing.(although that probably makes it harder)..And I don't get it, either. I read this--"How could I have given this child everything I have for so long, only to have her doubt me like this?"-- and I thought how I feel like this soooo often!
Kids just misunderstand the world so easily, and EVERYthing is personal to them. I TRY to remember that... But the other night I heard Georgie in the tub, playing with her bath dolls, and saying in a doll voice, "You are annoying me! You kids are annoying me crazy!"
*sigh* I felt like SHIT. Because I THINK I never say things like that to them...But I MUST sometimes make it clear that I am bugged. But then I thought-- JEEZE!! I TRY SO HARD to be a good mom-- JOYFULLY, btw!-- But yes, some days I am annoyed, and I am bugged...But...but...but...eh. Shit.Can we win??
I get where you were. It stinks.
:( That was just a TOTAL misunderstanding that could have happened to anyone. Don't feel bad.
"And I think there is some lesson in this, that when we hurt one, we hurt all. When we insult one, we harm the whole."
You are a much nicer person than I am. I still think the driver was a jerk (I'm using Carrie's word).
Love to Riley.
Reading all these comments we're all beating ourselves up because we got it wrong. At one time - let's reiterate that - ONE time we got it wrong and we think it's tantamount to child abuse. You know what? The amount of love and support that flies around and oozes from every pore of this blog you would think we would remember we're human and we are allowed to make mistakes.
And another thing, don't forget it's a kid's job to push parents to the limit so every now and then they'll go a bit further, just to see where it is.
As for Riley? I refer you back to Braga-whatsit. That doesn't happen to an unloved unhappy child.
You get the medal, honey.
Mistakes or no.
Ah Michelle,
I read this yesterday, but couldn't comment then, as I was still recovering from several moments with Salamander exactly like you described that had happened here during the prior days.
You wrote:
"And it just breaks my heart, because how could she possibly think I would ever say anything hurtful about her? How could I have given this child everything I have for so long, only to have her doubt me like this? "
As you said, it's nothing personal. I think that for our wonderfully special kids, this world we live in is such an inherently alien, scary and confusing place and they work so incredibly hard at mimicking that they fit in at all times, that they live in a constant state of fear.. fear that they're gonna be 'found out', fear that the mimickry won't work, fear, fear, fear.
Salamander used to be in that place of fear ALL THE TIME. It has gotten much much better.. but he goes back there every once and a while (and we're dealing with a bipolar bout right now due to allergies). And whenever he goes *to that place* it takes all I've got to remind myself that it's his fears speaking, nothing more.
Keep supporting Riley, keep nurturing her (like that needs to be said eh?). It DOES get better as the kids get older. But yes, being mindful at all times is essential.
And no, I don't think it's a kid thing. I think it has everything to do with our special kids' particular complex of challenges. My youngest does not do this at all - the difference is that to him this world is a safe place, he has enough self confidence, enough self awarenss to know, to feel, that not every random utterance is directed at him (and if he's not sure, he asks before assuming).
I'm always so touched by your own tenderness as a human being when I read your posts so I guess my reaction is that two of your commenters who disagree with each other are both right. Your daughter's sensitivity is probably partly connected to her autism. But I also think it's a very human thing. She is the gentle, very sensitive child of a very sensitive mother. She probably reacts as much to energy as to words even if the energy isn't directed at her. I think that's an empathic thing as well as an autism thing. I could be wrong, of course, but look at how you punish yourself for a relatively minor infraction on the scale of human perfection. You called someone whose behavior endangered the lives of others for no reason an idiot. She was certainly behaving like an idiot.
I do agree that what we do to one we do to the whole, but I also think there's a purpose to all thing that happen. Maybe there's a gift for your daughter in this event and not just tears. Maybe it's part of the universe's process of re-enforcing your love and her own self-esteem. And now I've rambled on for too long. Sorry.
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