When I was in school there was a girl, we'll call her Betsy, who was a little, shall we say, off. She was nice enough, but strange. She was immature, and sometimes brought a little teddy bear to sit on her desk. If Betsy tried to make conversation, I was polite, but not overly inviting. I would never have picked on her, or made fun of her, but I certainly didn't go out of my way to include her. I felt if I gave her an inch, she might take a mile and glob on and want to be my best friend and I just didn't know what was up with her and I really didn't have the energy.
People, this was nursing school. I was 29.
Looking back I can see clearly, Betsy is on the spectrum. She had no doubt been through years of grueling therapies and interventions to get her to the point of successfully completing nursing school. She did have a couple of friends, foreign students who were also getting special tutorial help.
Riley is heartbroken over play dates. Day after day, little girls pair off and go over to each other's houses for an hour or two after school. No one ever invites her. They are polite. They don't pick on her or make fun of her, but she's not included.
How can I expect nine year olds to do what I couldn't bring myself to do at almost 30 years of age?
I wish someone had taken me aside, and told me all about Betsy. What a triumph it was for her to get into that very challenging nursing program. How hard she'd worked all her life. What an amazing person she was. If someone had explained her to me, it would have been different. By my own ignorance, I missed a gift.
I am considering drafting a letter to several parents of little girls in our neighborhood, hoping to score Riley some play dates. Most of them already know she has Asperger's, but I don't think they realize exactly what that means for her. Maybe they are afraid. They could never know how hard she's worked or how far she's come. It probably doesn't even occur to them that she spends every afternoon alone while their daughters giggle and snack and play.
My fear is they'll ignore my request, or their kids won't want to play with Riley and will be forced to, begrudgingly.
I can't make them like her, but if they get to know her, they might. Often Riley's body language doesn't seem approachable, but once she knows a person well, she can be quite conversant and she is so very sweet.
I just keep thinking about Besty. Wishing I had handled it differently. Wishing I had known more. Wishing I had been a better person. I am ashamed I didn't allow myself the gift her friendship would have been.
It would also be a shame for the little girls in our neighborhood to miss out on the opportunity to know Riley.
The more we know, the better we do.
Wish us luck.
Amen.
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32 comments:
No shame, please. Just love - for yourself and Betsy. You weren't ready to understand or acknowledge her challenges then and you are now.
Love you all. Good luck.
Beautiful post. I hope you do write to the parents. I think we have all been there in one way or another. I was always a magnet to people who were different in whatever way and I was usually kind to them which - as you said - only encouraged more time that I didn't want to spend. What a blessing that your daughter is growing up in an age when even though there is still so much ignorance there is more awareness and more understanding. I wonder if when she gets her dog it will help break down some barriers. I hope so.
I think it's the perfect way to honor Autism Awareness Day.
I was listening to this talk online somewhere, and the guy said that often we get stuck in the "If only I had . . ." stage of grief and it keeps us from realizing what we can do now (differently).
What I so appreciate about you is how proactive you are. You acknowledged the "if only" and now you are preparing for how to do it now through your active advocating for Riley.
I think a letter will be perfect. You educate me every time I come here, and I'm so very grateful.
I think the letter is a great idea. Or maybe "circle of friends"?? Have you heard of that?
I can remember a few people over the years that I've avoided like that - I feel badly now too. I know I won't be making those mistakes again.
Great idea! Could you perhaps start with inviting a friend to your house where Riley is most comfortable? I think that some walls are built around fears of the unknown and removing the uncertainty by communication can pave the way for beautiful friendships.
What if you simply copy this post and give it to the parents in the school? That would enlighten them to the big picture and hopefully open more dialogue.
Don't punish yourself for Betsy for too long, we all get to where we are by taking or failing to act on opportunities. I wonder what I would have done in the same situation, 29? wow.
Awareness is a process. When I look back at some of the things I didn't know, not all of it was my own immaturity (although some was). Some of it was over all lack of knowledge about certain issues.
Now is the time. Now we start speaking out and educating with love and compassion. We don't know what might come of it.
We hope for the best.
I WANT to encourage you and I WANT you to be successful, unfortunately all I can think of if how terribly wrong it went when I tried to reach out to some of my neighbors. sigh I really hope you have more luck, but remember it's still a jungle out there (even for adults.)
I think the letter, or a copy of this post, is a great idea
You are so good at expressing emotion, feelings literally rise up off the screen when I read your posts
even if the play dates start out awkward I imagine that would change quickly
Riley has so much to offer and although they can be quick and cruel children are no fools, they always catch on
Oh, the social angst. How hard it is, for our kids and their parents.
That said--I had some luck asking the teachers in my son's classes for names of kids who they thought might be tolerant and compatible. One of these kids is now his best friend.
Sending positive, friendship-py thoughts to Riley. Good luck!
i agree with the person who recommended inviting over someone to your house first. even if you have to do all the asking for the first few times, then once a relationship is struck, it might be reciprocated. friendships are complicated, even at 9, even with typical kids.
Michelle -
Go easy on my friend. Don't judge her for what she didn't know. She's a good person. I've seen that with my own two eyes!
I think the letter is practically necessary. They don't know what you don't tell them.
Sweet Riley. Maybe someday we'll live closer, and she can come over to play with Reilly, Foster, Sophie & Finn. I think she'd really like the big swingset we inherited.
:)
xo
you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
I so know what your are talking about. My Zack is 10 and doesn't talk much. And then of course, he has all the hand flapping, weird noise behaviors. Kids always stare at him. (Although a little girl once told his 12 year old sister that she thought he was "hot".) He doesn't talk, but he can type and he once told me he was sad because he wants to have friends like his big sister. Breaks my heart...
I would suggest a play date with a child that is a little older. Many times they are kinder because they feel like they are helping to "take care" of the younger child - the "Mommy Effect".
Good Luck!
This is beautiful.
Do you ever read the blog A Life Less Ordinary? I wonder whether Riley could benefit from something like the "Circle of Friends" that Emily has initiated at her son's school. That link is the first time she talked about it, but she's said more since, and it seems to have been wildly successful.
I'm sure you know this - we all do the best we can with the information we have at the time. I've definitely encountered people in my life like Betsy, and I didn't know how to respond to them at the time.
I think your idea for playdates for Riley is wonderful and I wish you the best with it!
I was also going to mention the "circle of friends". I've heard it has been very effective and if my son is ever mainstreamed, I would implement it from the 'git go'.
Hugs.
Maya Angelous says, "When you know better, you do better."
Don't judge yourself for what you did not know.
I think the letter is a good idea.
A few years ago, we set up a regular playdate for my son to help develop his play and social skills. The other mother and I became good friends while our children played under the supervision of a therapist. Both kids benefited. Now I am happy to bring my younger typically developing child to a similar playdate and again both children and benefiting.
I imagine it is so much harder with an older child but you may find that some of these girls (and their parents) are sympathetic and will welcome the opportunity to benefit from Riley's friendship.
Gail C.
well I would myself love to have Riley over to play but it's kind of a long commute! How about you get to know the mums, then get Riley to ask a girl home to play? that way the mums'll know the score and be able to answer any awkward questions and their confidence will rub off on the kids. Writing could cause embarrassment (and rightly so!) and face to face is MUCH harder to dodge ;)
Sorry if that's all been said already but no time toread comments - easter hols and SUNSHINE!!!!!!
I'm with Goodfountain - a copy of this post says it all.
Nothing says that Riley can't invite them first.
hindsight is 20/20, that's for sure. I see Ethan struggle socially, and it just breaks my heart. I saw write the letter--it's worth it. The more we communicate what autism is and how it presents itself, the more people will understand.
Don't beat yourself up - we live and learn. You have learned well.
I would TOTALLY be open to a letter like that as a parent of a child who does not have special needs. I actually have my son on a waiting list for a school that has children with autism and other physical and learning disabilities. I knew of this school, but thought it was strictly for children with disabilities. I then found out that my little guy could attend as well and I signed him up immediately because it turns out the school is closer, has a better schedule for us, and is almost half the cost of what we are paying now. However, the best aspect of the school is not the schedule or cost, but that my son will learn to befriend and not shy away from those that are different.
Maybe you could ask the staff/faculty which parents would be more open to a letter. Best of luck!
Luck. This makes me wish we lived on your street! My kids would love to play with your kids. :)
If you could ask Betsy, what do you think she'd want you to do?
Good question Red Head Mama. I'll have to think about that one. Thanks!
OK, it's raining I'm back and I've read.
Still think the letter could backfire but maybe that's a Brit thing. A letter could end up alienating you even more and worse make Riley a special case. She needs real friends not friends who've been told they have to be, and that's what you could end up with which is no good to anyone. I would go with the face to face invite that they can't wriggle out of, the joint visit to the park, the let's go swimming together (or whatever the thing Riley likes to do that is most levelling - we found a trampoline a godsend. No rules and everyone can do it)
I just think you could get a better result if you engineer social situations so kids and mums get to know Riley themselves rather than what you tell them.
There again, get the dog, get more friends than you can shake a stick at!!
write it! write it! for riley, for betsy, for all the kids who would miss out on her friendship, for their parents who may not know how to guide them, for all our children who deserve giggling, snacking afternoons if they want them.
in the meantime, have you invited any of her classmates over for a playdate? get the ball rolling?
do it-also, why don't you two invite a schoolmate over to your house to get the ball rolling-have a planned activity available if needed....:)
I wish you lived closer :-) My girls would love her.
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