Riley sobbed for 45 minutes today after school because she feels no one likes her.
"Maybe they hate me because I have Asperger's," she cried.
She's not being bullied. Just ignored. Not included.
She's believing she's not likable.
Nothing I say soothes her.
Just put her to bed. Snuggled with her extra long.
She gets a break when she sleeps.
My turn to cry.
But I can't help her from here.
A problem can't be solved from the level of the problem.
I'm taking it to a Higher Authority.
This little soul went to a lot of trouble to be here. If she can't see her worth right now, I'll hold it out for her like a flag, waving it in front of her. I'll keep that vision of her so steady she won't waver long.
We have a lot of work to do, but so what? We've already been to hell and back.
And it's still early.
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19 comments:
Hi,
I found you through Jess Willson's blog. I loved what you wrote tonight about waving her worth in front of her like a flag. My mom and I tell each other I will remember and believe "x" for you until you can believe it and see it for yourself. Hold it out there for her and she will find it again.
emily
oh love, sometimes it's so hard.
just keep loving her, steady and strong.
make the circle bigger.
enlist help.
she'll get there.
darby has been begging to meet her friend riley. 'please, mama? can't we go to ohio sometime?'
we will. we'll get there.
hugs.
Yuk. Girls can be so cliqueie. If you are going to a higher authority it might be handy to be armed with some positive ammunition e.g. suggest that maybe they might like to introduce the Cornerstone Project, or whatever is the equivalent in your neck of the woods.
It's a programme that every child in the school gets to participate in eventually in our school. They try to catch them all in kindergarten but sometimes it takes longer with new children arriving in different grades.
It's designed to sensitize children to a wide variety of social situation, empowers them by providing real life scenarios.....I could go on but you get the basic gist I hope.
Best wishes
Geez, I can only imagine the squeeze that puts on your heart to see her tears. These are the parts of parenting that I never, EVER imagined. I can't wait for you guys to get your dog - I really think Riley's going to love it and it's just going to present so many opportunities for her to be social and for her to be the "cool kid." Just a few more months ... hold your breath and hang on!
Did you do the letter thing? Have been thinking, you only need one kid to be a best friend and others will follow. Maybe you could pick on one person you think is a likely suspect and work on them.
I understand the heartache. AND the idea that you can't solve the problem from the same level. *sigh*
Riley's lament reminded me of this post from Emily Willingham (http://autism.change.org/blog/view/circle_of_friends_knowledge_is_power) about a program called "Circle of Friends." Might be worth a look and see if the school has something like this in place or could do so.
Sending love and hugs to you both. xo
Sigh.
Cesar is right, of course.
Is she in the right environment? Is there a girls' social skills group nearby?
I started one...Miss M made friends there and I playdated those kids nonstop.
It started with two, and when she got better at it, it grew.
You just need to find one, Michele.
Is there a group at your local Child Development Center?
xoxo
Wish you lived on my block. The kids include Devin. Ring my bell ask if he can come out and play. Yes they are teenage boys but they include my 3 year old with autsim. My heart breaks. I'll be her friend. I act like I'm 8 just with a really really foul mouth. Guess you'll be calling my mom on me.
xoxoxo
Being a girl is harder than being a boy. I'm convinced.
There has to be someway to let her know that when you write about your families life, there are so many people in her corner.
She feels the feeling of being left out so much more magnified than a typical child. When she gets her dog I hope that she will be able to recognize unconditional love and then look up to see that it is all around her.
She will survive, and she will be stronger because of this. It certainly doesn't make it easy, but be reassured that she will bounce back. I had a childhood filled with being teased and left out, and many, many tears shed. My Mom was my biggest source of comfort. She kept telling me that it was nothing wrong with me, but it was the other kids. It wasn't a lesson I learned quickly, but I learned it thoroughly. Be strong, and make sure that you have a support system in place for you!
Being different is painful, right up to the point where it is desirable. However, not being included is always painful--no matter the age.
Only love.
Must be a week for the girls...
Michelle, you are quite an inspiration!
Loved the dog video. I want to be him too! He certainly has better balance than I do. hehe.
Carrie is right, girls have it much harder. Boys are more into doing instead of relating. I love the quote by Cesar (I love him too.) I am currently trying to increase my son's academics by "waving that flag". I think too many years of lowered expectations by teachers led to complete acceptance of failure on his part.
Well, I think it can be just as hard for boys as for girls. Especially when you're a boy who can't do all that physical stuff that the other boys can do (catching balls, kicking balls, running, climbing, etc).
Is there one little girl in your neigborhood or in Riley's class who seems to be more approachable/tolerant/nurturing than the others? If so, invite that little girl to your house for a playdate. And be prepared to be an active participant in the actual play date (be coach, be facilitator, be a model, etc - you won't be able to leave the girls up to their own devices at first). The school's social skills program can help too.
It tooks years with Salamander, and I mean YEARS. He was a social outcast in 2nd and 3rd grade (other boys don't really want to play with you when your favorite passtime during recess is hugging all the trees in the play ground, or talking endlessly about Sharks). I spent an entire summer (as in 8+ weeks, several 1 - 1.5 h *teaching* sessions per day) between 3rd and 4th grade teaching Salamander how to play with other kids (and TG for the slightly older boy across the street who ended up being a willing participant (victim?) in all my lessons, as this boy desperately wanted to get away from a house full of baby half siblings).
It was HARD WORK. But Salamander did internalize, and school started to notice a difference in him in social skills class. And then second half of 4th grade things started to fall into place (plus I got a better grip on his mito issues, so his physical strength and endurance got better, and he was better able to do all that boy stuff).
One kid started inviting him to play at recess, then another, and then more. And now in 5th grade, Salamander is a fully included member of a pack of 10 - 12 boys (they treat him as 'just one of the guys').
It took a lot of work, perseverance, persistance, trying and failing (and it was GD frustrating at times), but things did fall into place (but I fully expect to have to start over come September when Salamander transitions to Middle School).
Find that one girl, help Riley practice, practice, practice, and then go from there
(and yes, the dog will help a lot)
Girls really do have it harder.
Is there anyone in her karate class, her Girls on the Run...? Even a slightly younger girl?
I remember that thing you told me in the car just before we arrived at Jess's house... the thing that still brings tears to my eyes. That message that you received and you elude to in this very post. It's the message printed on her flag. The one you will continue to wave. She will see it. You will help.
Love you. Love her.
xo
Oh, those self-esteem issues hit so damn hard. And we ache for our babies, hurting as they do. Thinking of you and sending love. xoxo
Not to be Pollyanna, but the bright side of this is that Riley wants to be accepted socially. She is such a normal little girl! Yippee!
Just keep pelting her fears with little pebbles of love and assurance. It may take 100 times or a million, but the message will start to sink in and it's amazing how one little affirmative thing will happen with a peer and make so much progress.
Love you all!
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