Shortly after we moved here, the kids were having fun on a local playground and a little girl came up to Riley and asked her name. When Riley said, "Riley" the little girl made a horrible sneering face and said, "That's a boy name."
This has added so much to Riley's social anxiety. She dreads telling anyone new her name for fear of a similar reaction. She talks often of plans to change her name, as soon as she can. Maybe when she's 13. On a walk recently we were discussing it, and I asked why 13? Her response floored me. Her idea is, when you are a teenager you start having boyfriends, and it will be important to have a pretty name by then, so boys will like her.
Holy, holy, holy, what?
Why don't you just stick a knife in my heart and twist it? Apparently I have a lot of work to do, teaching about valuing ourselves, and putting our relationship with ourselves and our Source before caring what any boy thinks of us. I've given up convincing her Riley is a beautiful name. She won't hear it.
I gulped, biding my time, trying not to show my horrified reaction, and asked, "So have you decided on any names?"
"I'm thinking Shirley," she said.
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21 comments:
oy.
I'm speechless.
Totally free associating but the first thing I thought of was Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables. Those were my favorite books when I was Riley's age. I'm sure you are familiar but she also wanted to change many things about herself because they were not beautiful or romantic enough. She did just fine without changing a thing. I loved those books.
Gail C.
I had a similar moment of horror when Margaret was little: she had a Mulan doll (tough, strong, smart, brave Mulan), and it had a sort of a hairpiece thing so you could reenact the scene where she cuts her hair off to go fight. Little three-year-old Margaret reattached the hairpiece, and said, "There. Now her hair is long again so Shang [the male lead] can love her."
We had a quiet, gentle talk about how all kinds of women are loved, all kinds of hair, all kinds of body, and they are all, all loved. I never knew whether I'd gotten through, but years later, Margaret is a warrior for diversity and the value of every individual.
Drops of water wear away the stone.
And little girls watch their mommies VERY CLOSELY.
I don't think you have a thing to worry about.
Shirley!!
there was a girl in middle school named Shirley
being it was Brooklyn nothing was pronounced correctly to begin with but poor 'Shaw-lee' or "Shurl-eeee" and of course all the Shirley You Jest jokes
what strikes me most from this post is how just a casual comment can be so hurtful and affect someone
I'm 53 and still remember a boy in 5th grade who told me 'no one will ever ask you to a dance' and it still hurts
can you find any famous female Rileys?
I'm going to check :)
"The girl's name Riley \r(i)-ley\, also used as boy's name Riley, is pronounced RY-lee. It is of Irish and Gaelic origin, and its meaning is 'courageous'."
I'm just sayin'....
My Riley (13) loves her name. I just asked her why, and she said, "It's fun, it's unique, it rolls off the tongue, and it's somehow fitting." So there you go!
I LOVE the name Riley. I put it in a book! (And for the record, the character is a GIRL Riley.)
This is a reply I sent to Therese in an e-mail. Thought I'd share it here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I shared your Riley's thoughts with my Riley. This is where the autism kicks in, I'm like, "See! See! Riley likes her name!"
And she's like, "That's because no one insulted her."
And I'm like, "She insulted your name, and it's the same name."
And she's like, "No, she insulted MY name, not Sean's Riley's name."
And I'm like, "But it's the same name!"
And she's like, "But no one insulted HER name."
and so on, and so on.
This kid who is so brilliant on so many levels, can't grasp the concept. Or maybe it's me that can't grasp something? The connection between the vibration of the iinsult with the name?
It's like our own little version of Who's on first? Sigh.
I could be totally, totally off the mark here (my girl is so much younger) but I think maybe a conversation about the cross-over of girl/boy names in the past 10 years will help her see that Riley is not the only name that works for a boy or a girl. I've had this conversation with my own boy Reilly - Madison, Madigan, Rowen, Andie, etc., not to mention the female names that sprout from boys names - Stephanie (Steven) Georgia (George) Philamena (LMAO)...
She is a BEAUTIFUL Riley. My Reilly says so. He likes that they have the same name - common ground from the word go.
xo
There's a long time between now and 13.
Not to stir the hornet's nest, but, uh, this sounds typical to me.
People made fun of my name. I had the same reaction.
(And please remember that Miss M did the same thing with her name; re-named herself when she started to emerge. I took it as a signal that she was discovering herself, she was toying with who she was/is)
I have no doubt that you instill positive modeling, and will continue to do so.
And the boy thing?
Just you wait.
Ride the storm, sister.
Take it nice and easy.
xo
I love that you asked the follow up question, "why 13?" The ongoing dialogue is what will be important to your daughter, no matter her name.
Have you read "Raising Ophelia?" Great book, if somewhat frightening insight into what we're looking at when they are teenagers.
Love.
Sorry, but this gave me a little giggle that I neeeeeded today. Thanks. ;) Riley is a great name! Shirley?? LMAO! Did you ask her WHY Shirley? It may be a funny story how she came to that one.
But I hear you about things left to teach. G is only five, and already I see that. We were having this talk about when girls get old enough for boyfriends, a couple weeks ago, and she asked what I woul do if she had a "bad boyfriend", and I told her she wasn't allowed to have bad boyfriends...and she matter of factly said, "then I will have to sneak on dates with them" !!!!! W.T.F????! I about fainted.
I keep hoping she may be gay.
:)
I am surely chuckling.
How great!
Cindy P :)
BTW:
My Brian refused to be called by his name for almost a year. His preference: "Simba", oh yes, I kid you not. :)
Maybe Riley wil grow to love her name, and figure out she is wonderful on her own terms...
It can be so hard to raise a girl, much different with Ruth than my boys, that is for sure.
These questions came to my mind:
Does the choice of Shirley have anything at all to do with the fact that the last 5 letters spell Riley?
Are there other names that she likes or is she fond of Shirley in particular?
Does she know anyone named Shirley that she is trying to emulate?
Does she know that people do sometimes make the joke of "surely you jest" when they hear Shirley?
Does she know that slightly uncommon names are very cool?
As a Jerri, I understand her concern. As a Mom, I understand yours.
Riley's a beautiful name and she's a beautiful girl, in every way. Time will take care of the rest.
Thank you all for such kind responses to this post!
This hits close to home - for the last few years Aidan has talked about wanting to change his name since he discovered that now there are girls named Aidan. He says he's going to do it when he's 18, but a lot can happen in five years, so we'll see.
I remember a trash talking catcher when I was playing softball with the same taunt to me. "Robbie is a boy's name." (That was my nickname.) I actually took it as a badge of honor being such a tomboy at the time. In middle school, I toyed with writing it with a y --Robyn, and of course I signed it for a brief time with a heart over the i. Bottom line is, I really *heart* my name and there is a good change Riley will too. lol
As they said repeatedly on the campy movie Airport, "don't call me Shirley."
Hey! I know someone close to me that would like that idea too! :)
(actually, she would advise Riley against it though for the same reasons as the other comments posted here)
Shirley K's Sister, M
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