Two days in.
We walk to school, and try to time it just right so there isn't a lot of hanging around outside, thinking of things to worry about.
Today we rounded the corner of the school as the bell rang. We were twenty yards from her line, but they had already started moving into the school, without her. She could have easily caught up with the rest of her fourth grade class, but instead she panicked, and ran in the opposite direction, back down the street, screaming and crying. She stopped, looked back in the direction of the school and began stomping and spinning in circles shrieking,
"I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!" her backpack, thumping against her back with each stomp.
I caught up with her, took her hand and headed back toward the school. Another class was still lined up outside and they all watched Riley.
One of Riley's biggest fears right now is of everyone staring at her. I no longer give a damn what other people think when she melts, but she does. She does not want to be "different." I don't know if I did the right thing but I took her shoulders gently and told her calmly,
"Riley. Right now you are calling a lot of attention to yourself. Is this what you want to be doing?"
She cried, "NO!"
Did I make her feel worse? She was already so upset. She's already out of control in moments like this. Does pointing out what she's doing just heap more pressure onto her or is it valuable information? Is giving a rip what anyone else thinks the message I want to reinforce?
One of the educators who knows Riley came over and started talking to her.
"I'm sorry Riley, I started your class in just little early today."
I placed Riley's hand in hers and said,
"You'll be okay Riley. I know you will. Ms. _ will take you up to your class. I love you."
Hunched over and crying, Riley walked in with Ms. _.
I walked away from them toward home.
She'd had such a good morning.
If we had just walked out of the house one minute sooner.
If the teachers hadn't started the students in 30 seconds before the bell rang.
What's at the bottom of Riley's fear of being late, or left behind? Why is it such a big deal?
Is it my fault for always rushing them out of the house with, "We'll be late!"
How would I ever get them out of the house otherwise. We will be late. They putter so.
Will the dog make a difference?
How can I help this child?
I went about my morning. Lots of errands. Dishes. Phone calls needed to be made,etc.
By 12:30 I was exhausted, despite getting a good night's sleep.
I laid down on the twin bed in my office and allowed myself to rest. Head on pillow I told myself over and over,
"It's okay to rest."
"It's okay to rest."
"It's okay to rest."
Things have a way of working out. I don't need to know everything. I don't need to always get it right. Everything is okay. We're all okay.
Amen.
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15 comments:
You DID do the right thing by sending her in and keeping things moving along. Trying to talk and reason and whatnot when I'm upset like that just isn't a good idea, almost ever. Just keep going, and I'll get past it and get back to you. Usually, there's no reason to discuss, even later. I don't know what sets me off. I wish I knew, but some things just... do. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but you did the right thing as far as I can tell! And if it were me? Yes, a dog would be just the thing :)
So sorry it was a rough start today. FWIW, I think you did do the right thing; it also gave the other teacher a chance to help her transition into the rest of the school day.
Do you use visual timers? Maybe you could try that w/R in the mornings so she knows exactly how much time she has to get out of the house? It might keep you from the "We're going to be late" mantra. Or at least the having to repeat it?
Sending hugs. Hoping her day (and yours!) went better. xo
you did the right thing she'll calm down and slowly the world will go around forwards instead of backwards. it's not your fault it's not the teacher's fault it's not Riley's fault these things just happen. I'm pretty sure the dog will help be a grounding infulence. At first with the dog it'll be more stuff to remember water, portable dish,bags if there is anything else on your list but then it'll all work out.
Your whole family's in my prayers
You can't possibly do everything perfectly every day. I think the way you handled the situation with Riley was entirely appropriate. I am having a rough day today and I said the SAME thing, Michelle. That it's okay to rest. There is so much that I try to keep up with and "do on time" everyday, I am so exhausted myself (and now having to look for a JOB to boot). I do think that the doggie is going to make a big difference. Soften some edges maybe.
Michelle, you did the absolute right thing.
I have had the exact same dilema many times and always at the time have wondered if I am handling it right.
Yes, I truly believe the dog will help. In one month I have been blessed to witness the wonderful things the dog will help with.
At first, with the dog, yes there is more to remember and it does add a bit of chaos when trying to get out the door at a specific time. Hang in there, it does get better :-)
I hope the remainder of your day goes well and that things went better for sweet Riley.
All shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceedingly well. (thanks be to Juliana of Norwich)
Amen.
love.
Oh, and this: I think pointing out to her that she was causing what she wanted most to avoid was a good thing.
Sending you all love and hugs...
I do think the dog will help in that he/she will possibly distract Riley from some things. But I understand Riley not wanting to draw attention to herself with things she can avoid - like being late - even though y'all weren't technically late - it just looked that way because the line was moving forward.
I think she is obviously giving these things some thought.
She just couldn't step back enough at the time to see the big picture. And who can, in the moment when they are upset? This is normal, I think.
And I think it's normal for people on the outside who do see the big picture very clearly to be frustrated by it, too. We don't want the people we love to be unnecessarily upset.
I truly believe things will get better. Truly I do.
Georgia Peach (signing in with the Southern GFCF log-in)
Oh, dear. I'm so sorry, Michelle. And I know how difficult it is to stop second-guessing yourself. The truth is, you may be able to help Riley understand why she's bothered by being late, but ultimately she has to understand it herself, and it's experiences like this one that will spur conversations about what it makes her feel and why.
I am so glad that you allowed yourself to rest. What a gift to you and your children so that you can be less anxious when they get home and need you tonight.
Here's hoping she had a terrific day and feels proud that she was successful at pulling herself out of her morning anxiousness.
Love.
"I don't need to always get it right." So true. I definitely need to remind myself of that. But for what it's worth, I think that you did get it right. xoxo
SO frustrating! If ONLY she'd run TOWARD the line....but in the event she didn't you as always were the mummy with the mostest.
Getting into the whys and wherefores can wait for the cuddled up chat but a bald this is how it is and this is what we're doing can only help her find her feet.
Michelle, I SO know this morning.
I did exactly the same thing. A few years later, Miss M can identify for herself the behaviors that bring the unwanted attention.
You did it in a loving way.
Sometimes, no matter the circumstances - early teacher, late bell, perfect timing - they will find something that causes them anxiety.
It is okay to rest.
NO.
It is IMPERATIVE.
Keep on the path.
P.S. One thing we did do is put the morning in HER hands. She sets the alarm, makes her breakfast; we provide the time (you have 10 minutes - what do you need to do? ) When the time eluded her, we present the consequences (if you don't get that hair done, you'll be late. If you're late, what might happen?)
It sounds cruel, but it actually empowers her.
Ahh the special hell of school mornings. I often want to have a meltdown as well. I think you did great. Please rest. Often.
I'm going to be thinking about this and about Lydia's advice this week...I might tattoo "just keep going" on my hand.
You are just right, mom. All will be well. Amen.
;)
You did good. Seems that the meltdowns are further apart and last a shorter time...yes? THAT is progress. I am so impressed. I'm cheering for y'all.
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